


Night of shooting stars

by Tini_G



Category: EXO
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, Angst with a Happy Ending, Byun Baekhyun - Freeform, Dark, Dreams, Fluff, Friendship/Love, Humor, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Mentioned Kim Junmyeon | Suho, Oh Sehun - Freeform, Park Sooyoung/Joy, Secrets, Shooting Stars, Strangers to Lovers, kim jisoo - Freeform, trigger warning
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-25
Updated: 2020-09-16
Packaged: 2021-02-28 17:49:19
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 26
Words: 88,059
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23311162
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Tini_G/pseuds/Tini_G
Summary: »Can you show me what freedom means?«When Oh Sehun transfers to his school is Baekhyun anything but thrilled. After all, he embodies the epitome of an Jerk. He's arrogant, pretentious, but unfortunately, also damn sexy. And as if Baekhyun didn't have enough problems of his own already, he should work with him on a project for the school!Will it go well?
Relationships: Byun Baekhyun/Oh Sehun
Kudos: 33





	1. lost dreams

**Author's Note:**

> Disclaimer: This story might have some trigger moments, which I will mark before the chapters start, additionally I don't know exactly what the school system and times are like in other countries, don't be angry with me if it's not right, moreover, it will be written from the I perspective.

_They say that when you see a shooting star, you have a wish. And they say if you put this wish into words_ _three times_ _in your mind_ _while the shooting star is burning up in the sky, it will come true._

As a little boy, I always held on to this mistaken belief. It was just so fascinating for me whenever I saw the night sky with this graceful yet mysterious moon that alternately waxed and waned, the thousands upon thousands of sparkling stars that glittered in the dark like little diamonds, but I was particularly taken with the shooting stars.

There were moments when I couldn't wait until it finally got dark outside and I could secretly climb out of my window to sneak to my very special place, which nobody knew about and from which I enjoyed the view unperturbed while hopefully exploring the sky. Hour after hour, night after night, I waited to discover a shooting star and often thought about what I should wish for when I actually get to see one.

What do children usually wish for? Clothes, toys or perhaps chocolate? Anyway, my wishes were of a completely different nature. You have to know, my mother was a quite successful international model and my father an aspiring director. Therefore I never lacked material possessions, which is why I never wished for things like clothes or even toys from the shooting stars.

However, my parents were hardly ever at home due to their work and when they were, there was constant fighting. I mostly blamed myself for it. After all, I was expected one day to follow in my parents' footsteps and become at least as recognized and successful as they were. It was also expected that the appearance of a happy family would always be maintained.

Sure, I has been spoiled, my every wish was read from my lips as long as it could be paid for with money, and I had quite a considerable amount of pocket money at my disposal each month. But I was missing something inside. An emptiness that nothing could fill, simply because I always lived in the belief that I could not live up to all these expectations.

So what did I really want from the shooting stars, if not clothes, toys or chocolate? What was I really longing for?

Very clearly - family, security and freedom.

I longed for a family that would always stand behind me, no matter which direction I would chose. People who didn't want to push me into any kind of drawer, because they expected certain things from me, which in the end I could not fulfil after all.

I also longed for security. Just like when I wake up in the morning and simply know that there is someone who accepts me as I am without having to wear a mask to keep up the appearance of a perfect life.

And of course I wanted freedom. I wanted to be free from all the expectations, free from the pressure that weighed on me, and especially free from that feeling that prevented me from making my own decisions. But was it right of me to long for all this? I, who outwardly led the life of a prince? Could I be selfish enough to be unhappy?

Well, actually it didn't matter, because no shooting star had ever fulfilled my wish. No matter how many I'd met. The years passed in which absolutely nothing changed and the older I became, the more I surrendered to my fate. Because wishes and superstitions were basically only for dreamers and dreamers, I found out, had no relation to reality.

Nobody bothered to look behind the façade, so why long for something i could never have anyway? No, there's no point, I said to myself over and over and over again and slowly but thoughtfully I finally forgot my childish desires. I gave up hunting for the shooting stars.

One day, however, it was the first day of senior year in high school and _he_ came into my life unexpectedly. Intoxicating and unlike anything I had ever known before. Forbidden to reach for it and yet as attractive as a magnet. Oh Sehun. A jerk through and through - arrogant, pretentious but unfortunately also damn sexy.

How did he manage to make me long to wish and dream again after years, although I would have loved to jump at his throat? How did he manage to break my façade like that? I was reluctant to admit it, but gradually this idiot was messing up my perfectly planned life.


	2. Impudently arrogant

»I can't believe it, this is our senior year!«, I heard Park Sooyoung, my best friend, calling from afar. Her ten centimetre heels clattered on the asphalt as she ran excitedly in my direction. _Typical_ , I thought eye-rolling as I watched her catch the attention of the other students while her narrow figure came closer and closer. She pulled me into a tight embrace, which I return briefly.

»You must tell me everything! How was L.A.?«, I heard her speak much too loudly, while she hardly breathed a breath between each word, so that some of the students who passed us turned to us briefly and looked at us partly sleepy and grumpy, partly admiring and appreciative.

I pulled her with me and led her towards the entrance of our school, which stood in front of us like a castle, while I answered her. »Good morning to you too, Sooyoung.«, in a more moderate tone. »Yes, yes.«, she only waved it away and looked at me curiously from the side. Knowing her, she wouldn’t rest easily until she had lured every detail out of me.

I sighed silently, because I had neither the desire nor the nerves to remember my holidays and especially this miserable holiday in L.A. in the early morning - whereby "miserable" was an understatement - and thought about how I could change the subject as quickly as possible,which really wouldn't be easy with Sooyoung.

But even before I had come up with a reasonable answer, I suddenly felt two arms closing around my middle and a much too wet kiss on my cheek. »Good morning, baby.«, a familiar voice whispered in my ear a moment later. Warm breath also brushed over my skin, causing me to falter for a moment before I looked over my shoulders directly into the eyes of my girlfriend.

»Oh, good morning, Jisoo.« Sooyoung greeted her in my place, and stroking through her hair with her fingers. »See you later. Have fun you two lovebirds!« At a speed I can't imagine - don't forget her heels - she finally rushed past us, leaving behind only a slight trace of her expensive, rose garden-scented perfume.

I shook my head hardly noticeably, but was secretly relieved to have been spared an answer to her question for the time being. »Hey.«, I now whisper to Jisoo as I slowly turn to her. I tried to smile and hoped it didn't look too fake. She smiled back - and with her, it looked as if she was actually happy to see me.

Well, that's not to say that I wasn't happy, but my guilty conscience was gnawing at me, since I hadn't let hear from me in the past three weeks, except for a short SMS in which I claimed how busy I was. In my defense, however, I would like to say that she had not contacted me either! »I missed you.« Jisoo started again after a short moment of silence and stood briefly on her tiptoes to give me a gentle kiss on the lips.

I cleared my throat and took a barely noticeable step back, but avoided looking her straight in the eye and finally nodded. I knew that I had to tell her how much I had missed her, my princess - while smiling radiant - but somehow everything inside of me was suddenly resisting against it. Even if I had wanted to, I could not say it out loud. »Did you have a nice holiday?«, I asked her instead and put an arm around her waist.

I hoped - or rather, I assumed - that Jisoo wouldn't be particularly distracted by this abrupt change of topic and would simple take it. And I was right, because Jisoo just scratched her nose before she answered me. »Oh, most of the time I was out with the girls, trying out many new dishes at _El Dorado_.«, she confessed with a grin, while a dreamy sparkle appeared in her eyes. »You gotta try this one.«

_Typical Jisoo,_ I thought. No sooner was she left alone for a few weeks, than she ate like a bottomless pit and yet could still hold her slim figure. El Dorado was by far the most sought-after snack snack bar - club in the Region. Mostly young people between seventeen and twenty-five met there after school or on weekends to enjoy the music in the back of the building, which had been converted into a dance club, or - as in Jisoo's case - to eat a dish or two at the snack bar.

Inconspicuously, I risked a sideways glance at her and had to admit somewhat enviously that she still - and despite her sometimes unbridled appetite - possessed the same athletically slender figure as I remembered it. On closer inspection, Jisoo was the typical beauty - she had the perfect size, is athletic, had such infinitely deep dark eyes and long black hair.

She was by far the sweetest girl in the school and I, of all people, was her boyfriend. I should consider myself lucky, really fucking lucky, but somehow it just seemed like it wasn't going to work out, just because.... Immediately, I chased away my emerging thoughts and tried to put on my brightest Baekhyun-Smile as I walked to the classroom with Jisoo.

_I wasn’t allowed to think about absurd pipe dreams now_ , I admonished myself, because I knew that they were as ridiculous and surreal as dreams that never came true. When we arrived in front of our class, a group of classmates suddenly formed around us, who welcomed us excitedly from all sides. »Good morning!«, I heard the first voice.

»How was L.A.?«, followed by the second, giving me a queasy feeling in my stomach, but they didn't get any further, because Sooyoung pushed herself determinedly through them. »Let them arrive first.«, she called the others to order and grabbed me by the wrist not a second later. »Last row, like last year.«, she whispered into my ear immediately afterwards, so that only I could hear it.

Silently I then formed a _thank you_ with my mouth. Sometimes it was quite practical to have a decisive girlfriend like Sooyoung, it occurred to me, because fortunately she had relieved me of an answer - or rather an excuse - and on top of that she had organised the best seats in the class for us. Well, you had to be lucky, right?

Sooyoung winked at me mischievously while a grumpy murmur went through the class. »After all, I am the most curious of all and want to experience everything first hand.«, she continued, warbling with a sing-song voice like innocence in person. My good mood suddenly evaporated again.

_That's what you get when you rejoice too soon_ , I grind my teeth. But I should have guessed it right away. Well... tough luck, huh? I put my shoulder bag on the table in front of me after I had once sighed silently and pushed the chair back to sit down. Sooyoung did the same. »And now tell me, how was your vacation?«, her impatience was hard to over hear.

Nervously I avoided her inquiring looks and drummed embarrassed against the wood of the table top. »Oh, you know.«, I finally started to say, as there was no point in avoiding her any more. »It was... interesting.« Completely satisfied with my statement, I leaned back a little. »That's it? Interesting? That's all?«, she looked at me a little disappointed and gave me a reproachful look.

»Baekhyunie, don't make it so exciting. I want details. Details!« I chewed on my lower lip to suppress snappish response. Couldn't she stop being so curious at least once? It was bad enough that her questioning made me think back to that disastrous holiday, but that I now told her everything in detail? She could forget that!

»There's not much to tell.«, I shrugged my shoulders indifferently after taking a deep breath. »The hotel was great, the film a success and the food exotic-american.« A quick look at her revealed to me that she still didn't like this rough summary of my oh-so great holiday. »Oh, and... I even had to hand out autographs. Even though I didn't even take part in the movie«.

»People don't give a fuck about that. As long as you're on the red carpet, everybody's a celebrity.« Sooyoung grins satisfied. It looks like I was able to appease her. Sooyoung could become unbearable when she did not get what she wanted. like if you have an earwig from Babygirl and want to throw yourself in front of the next bus because it annoys you so much.

The muttering in the classroom, which I had largely suppressed as I feverishly tried to find excuses, suddenly fell silent when the door was opened far too hectically, so that it almost fell off its hinges, and our teacher - Mr. Lee - headed for the desk with big, fast steps. He seemed unusually agitated and that although he was otherwise a Zen master of tranquility himself.

»Good morning.«, he muttered, whereupon everyone in the choir returned the greeting. After a quick glance across the room, he finally waved someone to him. »Folks, today our humble community is growing. I ask you all to give him a warm welcome.«, he continued, but my attention was long since focused on the door - or rather, someone in the doorway.

There he stood, a beauty through and through. I was sure that even Jisoo would have looked like an inconspicuous little lamb next to him, as good as this boy in the door frame looked. black hair and dark, mysterious eyes that fleetingly roamed the classroom and seemed unfathomable. He also wore a foreign school uniform in horrible yellow and still he seemed cooler than the rest together - at least!

When his gaze lingered on me for a moment, my heart stopped completely for this fleeting moment, which appeared to me personally as if in slow motion. What was that? I wondered as my eyes widened in disbelief. _why am I feel so attracted, I’m straight!_

However - and somehow a tiny, red-hot whiff of disappointment suddenly spread inside of me - as he turned away much too quickly and I also wondered if I was getting the flu. I mean, so what? he just looked at me - as he did everyone else - no reason to overreact. A soft whisper and murmur went through the class, while the newcomer finally put one foot in front of the other and stood next to our teacher.

»Would you like to introduce yourself?«, I heard Mr. Lee again, who looked at the boy next to him with an encouraging look. The new boy then took a short breath and began to speak. »My name is Oh Sehun, I'm eighteen and you better don't get on my nerves.«

I was sure I had never heard such a beguiling voice. It was deep and smoky, almost like a humming sound, but I thought hearing an unusual tenderness resonate. Something soft that immediately took the edge off the threatening. _Unbelievable_ , I thought, but as the words spoken by this beautiful voice gradually sank into my consciousness, I suddenly understood nothing.

Outraged, I narrowed my eyes. I mean, how could someone look so outrageously good, have such an enchanting voice, but still be so outrageously arrogant? I had to suppress an impulse to stand up and yell at him. After all, I had a reputation to uphold. And what did he do? Showed up here with that sparkle in his eyes and talked to us as if we were the biggest scum! Otherwise, he was fine, huh? Damn.

Taking a deep breath, I shook my head. I had to stay calm, I kept telling myself. I mean, why am I getting so upset anyway? After all, beauty didn't come any lower than a reflection, did it? And this new one was definitely living proof of that. So what did I care? Exactly - I shouldn't care about anything. Absolutely nothing.

If he thought we shouldn't get on his nerves, fine! I could live with that. After all, I had enough problems of my own on my hands, I could easily do without such an arrogant guy. After I was able to calm down again, I crossed my fingers in my mind, while everyone else in the room gasped for breath, hoping never to get closer with this spinner.

But how could I have suspected that dear fate would once again put a huge crimp in my plans?


	3. Unlucky number 13

Dead silence. After the newcomer had introduced himself, no one dared to say anything, not to mention another indignant gasp for air from the classmates. I even had the feeling that even the annoying ticking of the clock had faded away while his words floated in space like an inauspicious thundercloud. _and you better don't get on my nerves... don't get on my nerves._ Again and again I could hear his voice in my mind.

Apart from that, it suddenly felt as if the temperature in the room had dropped rapidly, which made me shiver unconsciously and as if an incredibly crackling tension was vibrating in the air - almost as if you only had to stretch out your hand to reach for it. It was really incredible.

After half an eternity, so it seemed to me, there was a sound to be heard again finally. A clearing throat, just before Mr. Lee raised his voice. »It seems this young man has a wonderful sense of humor.«, he said, and to underline his words, he began to laugh out loud. He laughed as if he had just heard the best and most grandiose joke of his life.

But if I had been asked, I would have said that it was probably the worst joke ever. So bad that it could almost pass for being funny again. As I said, _almost_ , because even a blind and deaf person would have noticed how artificial Mr. Lee’s laughter was. Only the famous thigh slapper was missing and the hahaha. _Seriously._

Some of my classmates didn't really seem to know what to make of this whole situation, while others joined in this laughter, albeit cautiously and visibly confused, and others observed everything in silence. »So...«, Mr. Lee tried to save the mood after he recovered from his laughing fit and looked at the new guy again. »Mr. Oh, please be so kind as to take the empty seat next to Mrs. Kim.«

He pointed with a nod to Jisoo, who was sitting next to me, who just pushed the empty chair next to her a little bit aside and knocked demonstratively on its seat. As if the new one was a kitten that needed to be lured and somehow I thought it was quite funny, considering this entire crazy situation. Not to mention the look Sehun gave her - priceless!

Of course I didn't start laughing but tried to suppress it spasmodically. I can't even imagine what explanations I would have come up with, especially since all eyes would have been on me, and I wanted to avoid that at all costs.

Sehun set himself in motion in the meantime. Without paying attention to anyone else, he walked along the rows of tables until he arrived at our place and then silently glided onto the chair. With his hands buried in his trouser pockets he finally stretched out both legs so that he was lying more than sitting. Speechlessly I shake my head as I checked him out of the corner of my eye for a while.

I came to the conclusion what a regrettable waste it was, considering his extremely attractive appearance with his seemingly arrogance and non-existent behavior. But actually, I couldn't care less who he was, how he was or what he do. After all, what was it called? The first impression of a person is sometimes the most decisive, isn't it? And Oh Sehun had definitely already catapulted himself out.

I turned away from him again. At the same moment, as if she had heard my thoughts, Jisoo leaned forward a bit too far, so that she towered like a pillar between Sehun and me and shielded me from Sehun's - at least that's how it felt to me - uncanny aura that surrounded him. It was just what I wanted.

»In the coming weeks and months…«, Mr. Lee suddenly raised his voice again to stop the murmuring that began to turn into a complete mess. »...you'll have plenty of time to get to know each other better. As your homeroom teacher, I hereby welcome you to your senior year.« He opened a drawer of his desk, which squeaked and yielded to the pressure, and brought out a pile of paper.

»Prepare for a busy school year.«, he admonished us and handed the pile to Junmyeon - our student council President - sitting in the front row. Immediately he took the top slip of paper and handed over the documents to his seat neighbour. On and on and on until each of us had a sheet of paper in front of him on the table.

An annoyed moaning went through the whole class afterwards. »Mondays till 5:30pm? Tuesdays and Wednesdays till 5:00pm? That's a joke, isn't it?« Jisoo asked stunned after she had checked her note, which turned out to be the new school schedule. »Well, Friday only until1:00pm..«

»And look, on Friday we don't have to show up until 10:00 am.« Sooyoung, who had bent over to me and pointed to the two empty boxes of the school schedule with her right index finger, joined in. I chose not to answer.

To be honest, I didn't care whether it was until one or half past five, because every hour that I could stay away from home was a happy hour for me, no matter if I had to do this time at school or spent it with Jisoo and her friends at El Dorado. Anything was better than being in this damned house calling itself home! Without thinking about it further, I folded my school schedule once in the middle and finally stuffed it into my bag.

»I ask you now, one by one, to come forward and do a number from this jar here.«, Mr. Lee went on without beating about the bush and lifted a dark blue box, which he shook briefly. »...to pull. Then you’ll find out what it is all about.« Chairs scratched noisily on the floor as the first students rose listlessly from their seats and walked to our teacher.

I did the same as them, but was careful to walk as elegantly and straight as possible. Until suddenly something stood in my way and I threatened to lose my balance. »Woah, what's wrong with you, baby?« I heard Jisoo asking, who fortunately had grabbed my arm in time and thus saved me from a fall. Her question sounded neither startled nor worried - rather amused.

I felt the blood rush into my cheeks and reddened. I threw a poisonous glance at the object I tripped over. It was a bag lying on the floor next to Sehun's place. _What the hell... why was that so clear?_ , I lamented in my thoughts, while I would have loved to kick that damn bag into the opposite corner of the room. And while we were at it - this stupid jerk in addition!

I just hated it when my cheeks blushed with shame and I hated the way my classmates looked at me like I was an animal in the zoo. But what bothered me most at that moment was this one, specific sound coming from Sehun's direction and echoing in my ears over and over again. Damn, does that asshole make fun of me?

Deep inside me something dangerous began to bubble, so I paused for a moment to calm myself down again. I knew flipping out now would only make the pot boil. Snorting, I finally turned to Jisoo while I thoughtfully pressed my shoulders through and tried to suppress my blush. »Everything's fine. Thank you, angel.«, I tried to say in a lovely voice and put on an embarrassed smile. »Anytime, baby.«, she grinned.

»Move on, you're blocking the way.«, it suddenly came growling from behind. I lifted my head and discovered the new one, who had crossed his arms in front of his chest, visibly annoyed. When I also noticed his smug expression on his face, my inside were boiling again.

But this time more dangerous and provocative than before. Therefore I abruptly continued my way forward. I shouldn't get so fucking mad, damn it! But.. _Block the way? that I wasn't laughing!_ It crossed my mind in anger. There was at least another half meter of air to get past us and even if this hadn't been the case, it didn't give this pompous prick the right to snarl at us.

After all, his bag is at fault. No wonder you stumble when he puts the bag so stupidly in the way. And besides, his voice was the greatest impudence anyway. I mean, what was that... that giggle? Damn, how can he make me so angry? _But well_ , I thought furiously, there were people whose appearance - and everything that went with it - was perfect all around.

And there was usually never much more behind it than hot air. Like my mother, for example. My mother - Byun Seohyun - has been the face of various fashion and cosmetics labels in the country for years. Not knowing her almost resembled an educational gap. A good five years ago their popularity rose even beyond the borders to the West.

Since then she has jetted back and forth between Paris, New York, London - and other fashion capitals. Should she ever deign to visit her family, my father - Byun Baekbeom - and me, I usually feel like it was a presidential state reception. Our house was then always surrounded by paparazzi and journalists who, like vultures, literally hoped to uncover a scandal.

And instead of isolating me, her only child, from all this, she pushed me further and further into the public eye. By now I was used to it from her and it was nothing that I could not come to terms with or that threw me off track so quickly, but what this woman had allowed herself during our vacation in Los Angeles, I will probably never forgive her.

Her voice, which abounded with feigned innocence and the expression of her shining brown eyes, which completely contradicted her words... this behaviour simply disgusted me. No matter how pretty and desirable she was. To me, my mother sucked. Yes, you could say I had reached a point where I loathed she abysmally.

»Mr. Byun are you feeling unwell?«, I was suddenly rather roughly taken from my thoughts. Like a veil that was pushed aside, my surroundings gradually penetrated my consciousness. The dark eyes of my teacher looked at me questioningly. I shook my head. Firstly, to sort out my thoughts. Secondly, to answer Mr. Lee's question.

Damn, I had sworn to myself not to think about this terrible holiday any more and yet I had done it. I did it again. What came over me all of a sudden? Apparently I was so deep in my memories that I didn't even notice that I had arrived at the front and how mechanically I had put my hand into the box that was presented to me.

_And now never think about it again!_ , I scolded myself as I grabbed for a snippets of paper and then pulled my hand out of the box again. With trembling fingers I unfolded it and discovered the number thirteen, which was neatly written on it. Thirteen, no more and no less.Unsuspectingly I showed my teacher this number, which he noted down - together with my name - and then thanked me. For whatever.

As I made my way back to my seat, I felt Jisoo's fingers gently stroke over mine. A loving gesture, I knew that, but I took my hand away from her as if I had just burned myself. »What about you?« Sooyoung asked me, who sat back onto her chair just a moment after me.

I frowned. _Could she tell something was wrong?_ Shit, I wish I'd never let myself think about these memories. I mean, Sooyoung may have been my best friend since childhood on, but telling her about the pain of my memories, was out of the question for me.

Because if I had done so, this ideal world, this seemingly perfect facade, which my mum and above all myself had laboriously built up around me over the years, would have burst like a soap bubble. Just like that. And I was far too scared that what was behind it - reality, so to speak - was uglier than my mother's lying face.

That is why I could not and would not tell anyone about it. It was just impossible for me. »I mean, which number do you got.« Sooyoung helped me to remember, as I didn't bother to answer her. »Oh.«, I breathed a sigh of relief and could literally feel a huge stone falling from my heart. »Twelve. No, thirteen.«

The two perfectly plucked eyebrows of my best friend shot up, in her eyes you could see concern. »Thirteen.«, I repeated more firmly and pushed my gloomy thoughts about my mother and my screwed-up life into the back drawer for good, locked it and threw away the key for it. »How about you?«

»Eight.«, she curled her lips and looked at her red painted fingernails. I knew she knew something was wrong and I also knew the next question was burning on her tongue. Fortunately, she didn't say it out loud because I didn't want to lie to my best friend's face - but I was sure I would have told her a lie rather than the truth.

»Well.« Mr. Lee began to speak to the class again after what felt like an hour of silence, which seemed like ten days of rainy weather, and put down his pen. »Everyone has now been given a number between one and fifteen. These numbers will divide you into groups which consist all other groups of only two people. Within this group you will work on a joint project for the coming year. What topic that will be, we will discuss in the next lesson.«

He briefly stopped his flow of speech and took a quick glance at his wristwatch before continuing. »I will now read out the names, which is also the group classification. One: Kim Jisoo and Kim Junmyeon. Two: Zhang Yixing and Wu Yifan. Three: Kim Jennie and Kim Jongin. Four: Kim Jongdae and Park Chanyeol…«

You've got to be kidding me, right? holy shit, and on the very first day of school. I looked over at Sooyoung, who seemed no less shocked than me. After I noticed her unsuspecting shrug of the shoulders, I turned away from her again and let my eyes wander panicky over every face or hair.

Who - apart from me - had drawn the thirteen? Sooyoung and Jisoo fell out once before. _Maybe Seulgi?_ I asked myself and immediately dark brown hair crept into my field of vision two rows in front of me. _Or Kyungsoo?_ I thought further and found him right next to Chanyeol - his boyfriend. _Or maybe Jongdae_ , i looked at the front to him, who sat next to Junmyeon.

_Oh God_ , I was hoping it was someone I could get along with. _Please, please, please_. »Thirteen: Byun Baekhyun and Oh Sehun.“ Mr. Lee continued calm and composed as if there was nothing wrong with it. There were a lot wrong with it, if you ask me. _I mean_... "I can’t believe it!", I exclaimed in horror before I could even think about it and noticed how suddenly all eyes were directed at me.Even the arrogant jerk looked at me.

To be honest, I was just too shocked at that moment to realize that I suddenly burst out in resounding laughter. I mean, _he_ of all people! How could this catastrophe have been so predictable?


	4. you there, me there

My laughing fit lasted very, very long. In the meantime I feared that either my stomach would burst at any moment, it already started to hurt or I would keel over at any moment due to lack of oxygen. Fortunately, however, neither of these things happened, and after I was able to recover to some extent - which I managed more badly than well - I wiped a tear of laughter from the corner of my eye.

»Haaach…«, a final sound came out of my throat. But this very sound made me break out again into resounding laughter. It was enough to drive me crazy. Meanwhile my brain had completely quit its service and set itself on stand by. I didn't really know anymore what the actual trigger for this almost crazy laughter had been.

I also hardly noticed the shocked faces of my classmates, who gave me uncomprehending looks from all sides, and the words that apparently left Jisoo's mouth I couldn't understand either. She probably asked me what was so funny, or if I was not feeling well. But I just didn't hear them, I only saw her mouth opening, only to close again immediately afterwards - like a fish.

I wanted to control myself, to catch myself again - honestly! -, but again a wave of amusement took possession of me at this sight, which overflowed and left my mouth in the form of loud laughing noises. Suddenly I felt a hand resting on my thigh, obviously wanting to shake me to consciousness.

However, exactly the opposite happened: I had to think of Mr. Lee's artificial laughter, the supposed thigh knocker, and the reason for it all: Oh Sehun, who, as soon as he started to speak, seemed to me like the greatest unsympathetic person ever. But I didn't really know exactly where this exaggerated rejection to him came from. I mean, I hadn't even been given the opportunity to get to know him better. So why did I suddenly react so strangely? that was anything but me!

What if he was even the lovablest person in the world and hadn't really meant his words and that giggle? What if his behaviour simply reminded me too much of that of my mother and I had judged him too hastily because of that? _Maybe... yeah, maybe..._

»I prefer to work alone.« Sehun's angel's voice suddenly penetrated my head as if through cotton wool. I almost choked on my own spit, because I had to inhale much too fast and much too violently. »He would only stand in my way.«, he continued unmoved.

At once I straightened up straight as a candle, while my laughter got stuck in my throat. My hand, which had touched my leg until just now and belonged to Jisoo, slipped off and slammed against the edge of my chair. But I had no time for that now. Sehun's comment was much more important to me. I mean... how did he talk about me? as if I was crazy, insane, underexposed and just not quite right in the head anymore.

Admittedly, I didn't make the best impression with my insane laughter, but what did that asshole think he was talking about me like that? _Tz, I couldn't believe it._ I thought that I might have judged him too hastily and were about to give him a second chance and then? Then he confirmed that the first impression was the right one after all - this new one was really just a jerk.

»I believe that if anyone is standing in the way of anyone here, it is you who are standing in my way.« I promptly replied and blew my breath noisily through my nose. Sehun raised an eyebrow in the most provocative way and now also straightened up to his full size, while he gave me an icy cold look - and was much taller than me. Who was he trying to impress, the ice princess.

»Oh, yeah?«, it came from him bored. Unconsciously, I clenched my hands in fists. »I'm sorry, but I couldn't care less about your opinion.«, he countered dismissively, which made me flush with rage. _Lucky_ , I thought, lucky that Jisoo was still between us, because at that moment my fuses are blown. I wanted nothing more than to let this jerk make acquaintance with my fist and beat his smug grin out of his face. My fingers were already itching.

However, and in retrospect this was the smartest thing I could do, even though it was very difficult - after all, I was not keen on being expelled from school on the first day. I just threw my angriest, deepest look at him until suddenly Mr. Lee interfered in this whole thing.

»That's enough.«, he shouted as he looked directly at me. His face showed nothing but complete disbelief, which suddenly made me feel several centimetres shorter. »I really don't know what that was all about.«, he finally continued calmly, closing his eyes and pressing the bridge of his nose with his thumb and forefinger. »But Baekhyun, I'm really disappointed in you.«

With one blow my anger disappeared into thin air.

Instead, horror took hold of me. My heart was pounding against my chest and my stomach suddenly felt as if my intestines were on a roller coaster. _Damn, the whole class had witnessed that!_ I suddenly remembered, causing my whole body to freeze suddenly.

For a long time I could not resist the haunting looks that the assembled class gave me and looked ashamedly to the ground. My knees softened like butter when I realized the extent of the past minutes. _Damn! Damn it! Was I really out of my mind?_ I asked myself, stunned. What in heaven's name had suddenly come over me, that I had put on such a show? _Ridiculous, just ridiculous, that was it. Fuck!_

Suddenly I felt so ashamed that I either wanted to sink into the ground or imagined waking up from a bad dream at any moment. But as it happens, nothing like that happened. Would have been too good to be true. Instead, the heat shot me in the face. While I plucked at the hem of my black blazer - my head still lowered - I feverishly tried to find a solution.

What should I have said now to defuse this situation? Was I still able to do that at all, or was it already too late for that and I had become the laughing stock of the others? Infinitely long seconds passed, while I simply couldn't think of anything until I couldn't stand it any longer and let my gaze wander carefully through the room. The curious eyes of my classmates flitted back and forth between Sehun, Mr. Lee and me.

»And as for you two.«, I heard Mr. Lee again after he had cleared his throat briefly and was now looking at Sehun. »So I expect you to resolve your differences as soon as possible and work together as a team. I'll turn a blind eye today but...« I would probably never know this "but" again, because he left the end of the sentence open. But the unspoken threat that lay there lay like a dense fog in my mind.

Shit.

What was I thinking - or rather not thinking? I saw it coming, the topic of conversation for the next few weeks: Byun Baekhyun, who never does anything wrong, laughs hysterically and then starts an argument with the new - hot - Oh Sehun. Oh God, the rumors would start spreading and every step I took would be analyzed in detail.

My mind must really have left me, otherwise I simply could not explain my behaviour. »I'm... I'm terribly sorry.«, I finally apologized sheepishly, when I was sure that my voice would not leave me prematurely. »I… I don't know myself what came over me.« and that wasn't even a lie!

I still didn't know. However, it was a pathetic attempt to save what could not be saved, as I found, after looking for confirmation or some kind of understanding in the faces of my classmates. I knew that this topic would not be forgotten for a long time yet, but I fervently hoped that the rumour mill was not boiling over unnecessarily.

Like a miracle the shrill ringing of the school bell suddenly sounded. Oh, how I had missed this sound!, it shot through my head in relief and I hardly breathed audibly, while the others turned away from me one after the other, seemingly busy stowing their papers in their pockets or whispering to each other.

I suspected what they were talking about, but I didn't really want to know. As soon as the word got out, I would hear every detail from Sooyoung, whether it was true or not, so I tried not to listen. Mr. Lee's mumbled goodbye as he left the classroom in a hurry, I also only overheard in passing. Sooyoung nudged me from the side.

»Can you please explain to me what that was all about?«, she hissed in a reproachful voice. I, on the other hand, just shook my head. »I can’t.«, I said and avoided her looks, after all I didn't even know myself. A few seconds of silence in which Sooyoung thoughtfully chewed on her lip passed before she spoke to me again.

»Why can't you? Did something happen in L.A.?«, she kept repeating. I sighed. How afraid I was being asked this question? And how the hell did this woman manage to hit the bull's eye like that every time? »What does one thing have to do with the other.«, I tried to play the innocent and put on my best innocent look.

My best friend, on the other hand, waved her hands in front of my face. »Hello? First you don't let me hear from you for three weeks, then you avoid all questions, and now _that_. Of course something must have happened, I just don't know what.«, after she had finished, she stroked her lips and chin as if she was concocting something while I made a throw-away gesture.

I knew that if Sooyoung was up to something, it was better to prevent her from actually going through with it at all costs, because her methods of squeezing information out of someone were ... how shall I put it? They were so deceitful at times, that in the end, you didn't know what you were doing. And on top of that they were questionable.

However, if you didn't succeed in providing her with some satisfactory answers - even before you fell into the trap - you had to resort to plan B, which would be: to get away as fast as possible. »You're imagining it, Soo.«, I tried to make her know immediately. »Nothing happened and the thing from just now...«, I casually shrugged my shoulders. »No idea what that was. I must have been up too late last night and I'm still not quite awake.«

»Yeah, maybe.«, she agreed with me. However, I recognized the skepticism that was resonating in her voice all too clearly for me to have been able to ignore it, which unfortunately forced me to go to plan B. With the words »I need some coffee first.« I almost run hurriedly from her and stormed out of the class as fast as I could.

I needed time for myself now, if I wanted to prevent that I ended up telling my best friend more than I would have liked. Even if only the five minutes of the break were enough. As soon as I took the first step over the threshold, it was as if a ton of weight fell from my shoulders, only to lie twice as heavy on my heart the next moment.

Annoyed, I drove a hand through my face. _As if my life since L.A. wasn't complicated enough,_ I thought upset, but now I had to come up with a credible excuse for Sooyoung as quickly as possible, which would certainly be anything but easy. Damn it, wasn't there a reset button somewhere?

To make matters worse, as far as this Sehun was concerned, I was also completely at my wits' end with my Latin. A whole damn school year could either go by faster than expected or drag on like tough chewing gum. And I feared the worst, because I had just finished the longest and at the same time most nerve-racking lesson of my life. And surely others of this sort would follow.

Actually, I had imagined my last year of high school to be a walking tour - casual and comfortable - but it seemed to me that someone or some force majeure was suddenly testing me out of the blue. It was clear, only why this was so and whether I actually succeeded in the end to pass or I failed miserably.

Damn, I just hate it when something didn't go according to plan and I was thrown into the deep end, so to speak. Why this had to happen to me of all people? What have I done? I sighed once, hardly noticeable and finally set myself in motion.

At the end of the corridor, where some students were already gathering, I turned left, then walked a few steps straight ahead until I arrived at a staircase that led directly to the basement. The noble marble floor, which was alternately black and white like a checkerboard pattern, gave way from the top step to an old stone floor interspersed with potholes, which gave me a queasy feeling every time.

If I had not known what was down there - namely a sales stand for snacks and drinks - I would certainly never have ventured down there without company. Apart from the basement and the cellar, the school building, consisting of three floors, was certainly one of the most modern and distinguished in the country.It was not without reason that this was a private school for which my parents had to pay far more in a single week than the average earner per month.

In every classroom, for example, there were computer screens in the desks that could be extended at the touch of a button, which could be quite practical when you had to do some research. Of course, we students were not allowed to use such a computer without the explicit permission of the teachers. On the other hand, the screens could not be raised without a key that overridden the locking mechanism for the button. And only the teachers had such keys.

Another example were the toilets, which were in no way inferior to those in a five-star hotel in terms of hygiene. The taps were gold-plated - I don't know if it was real gold -, the paper for drying the hands was pleasantly soft and always smelled of fresh detergent with lemon.

There was a crowd downstairs and of course upstairs again. Suddenly I had to avoid a boy who was smaller than me, when he suddenly stopped in front of me and bent down to reach for a lost coin. So I took an abrupt step to the right, but noticed too late that someone was coming from below and bumped into this person.

Roughly my shoulder bumped against the upper arm of the other and as if in slow motion I saw the paper cup full of steaming coffee, which was then dropped and not a moment later poured over my pants and legs. Burning hot pain shot through my body. »Shit!« I shouted startled and jumped a step backwards.

A snorting sound was heard in front of me. »Watch where you're going!«, the person I had bumped into immediately snarled at me in an extremely rude manner, whereupon all my features slipped away from me. I heard Oh Sehun's angel's voice. _Damn it!_ I cursed in my mind. 

_I mean... honestly?_ Just when you think you can't get any worse ... that's when a jerk comes from somewhere, or what was it like? And in this case, this stupid guy was by far the most stupid, arrogant and self-satisfied moron in the whole universe!

This whole thing couldn't be real, could it?


	5. hot and nasty

The dark, boiling hot liquid ran agonizingly slowly down my legs, meanwhile a small puddle was already forming in front of my feet. At the edge of the step the dark grey paper cup balanced back and forth, as if it couldn't quite decide to stay or roll down the stairs, while the last remains of the coffee dripped out in a steady rhythm.

I was, to be honest, unable to grasp a clear thought. I only consciously perceived this terrible burning pain and the soaked fabric of my trousers, which now stuck to my skin. I didn't know how long I stand completely motionless and with widened eyes between the stairs and the crowd of people or how many seconds it had taken until the first, horrified voices finally reached my ear and my consciousness, but this moment seemed like half an eternity.

»Oh my God!«, I finally heard the horrified scream of a girl at some point, followed by other voices. »Baekhyun oppa, is everything all right?«, I also thought to hear somewhere between all the voices. Unable and sometimes completely overwhelmed, I remained silent and blinked a few times to collect myself. This jumble of voices and noises suddenly seemed to come from everywhere.

In addition, I was also touched from all sides - whether it was a tap on my shoulder, a soothing gently stroke over my head or a shake of my arm. It was the shaking that finally got me to finally release myself from my rigidity. Dozens of thoughts suddenly seemed to gush through my head at the same time, while I began to hectically look around in all directions to find the culprit.

_If I could get my hands on him!,_ I threatened in my thoughts and already imagined in my mind what I would say to this Sehun, what I would do to him - from insulting him, to strangling him - but there was nowhere to be found a single sign of this Jerk.

Confound his impudence! I mean, couldn't this asshole even deign to apologize to me? Well, basically I was to blame for the whole misery, but this was a matter of principle and Sehun probably didn't know what it meant to have decency and politeness after spilling his coffee on a defenseless person. I was foaming with rage - so much so that I believed that a hurricane was raging inside of me - while I let my eyes wander for the very last time, hoping to catch him after all.

I indeed did not discover him, but I noticed the partly familiar partly unfamiliar faces of those who gathered around me, which suddenly made me feel strangely constricted and stared at - like an animal in a zoo. What was I? A monkey? Damn, my anger kept rising and rising. I breathed in deeply and slowly - and finally out again.

I knew that if I now let my anger run free by saying »What are you all staring so stupidly?!«, or something similar, I would have shocked the others, who actually weren't to blame for this thing at all and on top of that I would have just given them more material to gossip about.

But because I wanted to prevent this at all costs, I just kicked this stupid grey paper cup aside with full force. Fortunately - and I could say this out loud, because I hadn't thought about any consequences beforehand - I didn't hit anyone with it.

Suddenly, even as I could hear the hissing and whispering around me, I heard the authoritative voice of Mr. Lee fighting his way through the crowd from above. »Let me through!«, he ordered and split the crowd. At once I was able to breathe better, as the radius of the students increased around me and the unwelcome touches disappeared. When he reached me, he first inquired about my condition.

»Did you hurt yourself.«, he asked me as his gaze glided searchingly over my body and finally got caught on my wet, coffee-soaked trousers. »I think so...«, I started to answer, but was interrupted by the abrupt ringing of the school bell announcing the end of the break. Mr. Lee nodded understandingly, put one hand on my shoulder, and finally led me back up with gentle pressure.

»The show is over.«, he shouted to the crowd, who remained rooted to the scene and continued watching us. »Get back to your classes!« Instantly there were excited footsteps and the rustling of paper bags behind me. I did not look back, however, but merely let myself be directed unceasingly along the corridor, while looking down and looking at the alternating black and white marble tiles.

The pain in my legs had eased slightly by now, but in some places it still burned as if I had been kneeling on hot coals not even a minute ago, and the coffee slowly drying on my skin, which suddenly made me feel more than dirty and unwell.

Mr. Lee, who of course didn't notice, took his hand off my shoulder again after an endless minute of silence and stopped in front of a double-wing door made of reddish-brown teak. I did the same and glanced at the sign that was attached to the wall on the left. 1-21, Im Yoona. Nurse / Infirmary, stood on it. My teacher knocked on the door twice before he pushed down the handle and the door opened.

With a gesture of his hand he let me go ahead - and I wish I had never, _never_ entered this room. The first thing I saw was the window on the opposite wall, which was open and let a mild breeze blow in, causing the pale yellow curtains on the left and right to dance gently. The walls were painted in a matching, slightly creamier shade of yellow, giving the room a friendly look.

To the left of the room was a long beechwood desk on which paperwork, pens, stamps and notes were piled up. It should have looked untidy, but it did not in the least. Behind the desk there were also several shelves containing files, books, a potted plant and a framed photograph. From the distance I couldn't see what was depicted on it, but I suspected it had something to do with Yoona - the school nurse.

On the other side of the room a part was covered by a white, opaque curtain. Probably there was a bed or a couch behind it - or whatever else one called these examination things, which were common in every doctor's office. Besides, there was an unpleasant smell of disinfectant everywhere, but that was not what made my blood freeze in my veins and I would have liked to escape.

It was this silence, this unbearable nothing that filled the room. This treacherous rustling of the curtains in the wind, the lovely singing of the birds from outside, this seemingly idyllic environment.

It was just like home.

Every time I stepped over the threshold of my house, I was confronted with exactly the same image. Not a hospital room, of course, but the same treacherous silence as here. Peaceful, perfect. But this supposed paradise could no longer deceive me.

After all, I knew only too well that there was no lasting peace. That this peace never lasted for long and was merely the harbinger of a violent storm. At the latest when Mum came home, this was the case. »You best cool your burn, and I'll look for Mrs. Im.«, my teacher suddenly pulled me out of my thoughts. Standing in the middle of the room, I had to watch how he was about to turn away from me to leave me behind alone. 

A lukewarm sense of panic spread through me. _I don't want to be alone in this spooky room!_ , I thought and stopped my teacher following an impulse. »Mr. Lee, I wanted to ask you something else.«

»Yes?«, he stopped and turned to me again. With his hand already on the doorknob he looked at me waiting. »Well…«, I began hesitantly and chewed on my lower lip. What could I say now? Good God, that's what you get for speaking before thinking!

After all, I couldn't tell my teacher that I, an eighteen-year-old boy, was afraid of being alone in this room because it reminded me too much of my own desolate home, could I? No, that would just be ridiculous. But... but what else could I say? Slowly I lowered my head. My gaze wandered over my trousers and immediately a suitable topic came to my mind.

Because unfortunately I suddenly had to think about that asshole. »It's about the project work.«, I started and looked up again. »Wouldn't it perhaps be possible to change partners? I mean, I can otherwise work also on my own, if...«

»Baekhyun.« he interrupted me. »It may be true that Mr. Oh did not make the best first impression.« - How right he was! - »However, it would not be fair to the others. Besides, I'm sure once you two get to know each other, you'll discover some common ground. So at least give him a chance, okay?« Encouragingly, he pinched me in the arm, since my disappointed look had obviously not escaped him.

Damn, was the only thing I could think of while my heart seemed to sink to my knees. »The boy has been through a difficult time.«, continued Mr. Lee after a while, and seemed to talk more to himself. Anyway, his gaze was suddenly fixed on a point right behind me. »Difficult time?«, I asked him. I mean, what was that supposed to mean?

»Anyway.«, he cleared his throat and turned his attention back to me. »Please cool your burn. I will send Mrs. Yoona to you. And don't worry, you'll get an apology for this hour, of course.« Mr. Lee now turned his back for good and left the sickroom before I could protest. To be honest, I suddenly felt like a watered poodle. Ordered and not picked up. Confused.

_What did he mean by that?_ I wondered. Was he alluding to similarities because he knew how things looked at home by me? Did Sehun possibly suffer from his parents as well? I for my part was sure that there was nothing else I had in common with this fuzzy guy, after all he was neither very polite nor did he show great compassion towards his fellow men. 

That was total bullshit! I got rid of it right away. How could Mr. Lee know what my family situation was like to allude to Sehun? No, that was impossible. I shook my head. No one knew. No one even cared, and Sehun and I certainly didn't have a single thing that connected us.

I suppose Mr. Lee had only said that to persuade me or to appease me, whatever - meaningless drivel as some kind of a phrase, so to speak. _Yeah, that was the most logical explanation, wasn't it?_

I pondered for a while before I finally chased away my thoughts about my teacher, Sehun and the creepy room. I just didn't have time to deal with such nonsense, I decided and went over to the hidden part of the room where I hesitantly pushed the curtain aside.

My suspicions were confirmed. There was a bed with white pillows and a blanket, a couch with white paper rolled out on it, a sink, a chest of drawers and a white box with a red cross on it. I took off my trousers and approached the washbasin, bent my leg and checked it, the skin was pink in some places, in some places it was darkly coloured with blood.

At the sight of it, thepain began to get stronger again, so that I grimaced my face and hurriedly turned on the tap. I cursed this arrogant guy. While I pressed my leg against the porcelain edge of the washbasin, I poured water generously with my hands onto the affected areas and sighed in relief. _The cool wetness seemed like a release, wonderful!_

»Oh, what happened there?«, a woman's voice suddenly asked me, whereupon I looked over my shoulder. No doubt it was Yoona, she was wearing a white smock, under which light blue jeans and an equally blue turtleneck shone out. Questioningly, she had raised both her eyebrows.

»Hot coffee.«, I replied, avoiding sounding snivelling as I turned off the water again. »Oh dear, oh dear. Let me have a closer look.«, She waved me over and pointed to the couch. I obediently obeyed and sat down before she pushed a swivel stool towards her, sat down too and began to examine my bared legs.

»It looks worse than it really is.«, she reassured me after a while and carefully spread on my skin a large amount of a cooling ointment she had taken from the first aid kit. Then she bandaged my leg with practiced grips and winked at me. »It will be completely healed in one, maximal two weeks.«, she assured me at the end and gave me a warm smile. »Just change the bandage regularly.«

»Is noted. Thank you very much.« Relieved, I forced myself to return her smile. »You're welcome.« Yoona got up again, whereupon the rounded seat of the stool began to turn gently and, with a simple movement that could not have looked more professional, adjusted the collar of her gown.

Meanwhile I fished my cell phone out of the pocket of my blazer and unlocked the screen. 9:29 am and two new messages were shown to me. However, I ignored them and put my phone back in my pocket. In a good quarter of an hour the lesson was over - so I still had enough time to think of something to do about my dirty pants.

The fabric had already begun to dry, but I didn't want to have to wear this rag all day long, I decided, and jumped up hastily. »Thank you again.« I thanked her again and hurried away. »Goodbye!« After the door behind me had fallen into the lock, I leaned against it and enjoyed the neutral air smelling free of this hospital scent. I paused for a moment before I pushed off and took the path to my left.

The long corridor seemed abandoned and deserted, the doors were all closed. Only a muffled murmur emanating from the classrooms and my own footsteps, echoing eerily loud, could be heard. I accelerated, turning a few more times until I reached the lockers.

On the way I remembered that I had already brought my sports equipment with me, although it was only the first day of school, just in case. so I could exchange my ruined pants for a comfortable, dark blue jogging pant with two wide, white seams on each side. _I would step out of line for the rest of the day,_ I thought, but this was not my day anyway,so I didn't care about that fact now.

I was heading for my locker with the number 93 when suddenly a naked, muscular back appeared in front of me out of nowhere. Slightly stumbling, I paused and let my gaze wander over the person, who was most likely a man. He wore the same black trousers as every other boy of this school, but his legs didn't look too thin or too thick in them, but rather athletic.

The butt wasn't bad either. And that back! Tensely I watched the play of the muscles that cast dark shadows on velvety white skin and almost swallowed my own forbidden thoughts. The butt wasn't bad either. And that back! Tensely I watched the play of the muscles that cast dark shadows on velvety white skin and almost swallowed my own forbidden thoughts. 

_What am I thinking? I have a Girlfriend and i’m not into Boys! Shame on you, Baek!_ I took a step back too loudly and scolded myself. The stranger put on the white shirt of the school uniform and looked back over his shoulder as he had obviously noticed me. My eyes widened in horror when I met the ice-cold look of a certain Jerk. A snort left my throat uncontrollably.

»You...« Seemingly disinterested, he turned away from me again. »What are you doing here?«, I asked him while furiously clenching my hands in fists. I couldn't believe it. I mean, the biggest asshole just stand there calmly buttoning his fucking shirt? What were the chances of running into him in a deserted room next to my locker during class? Half-naked, to boot? I'd rather be struck by lightning.

»You see that, don't you.«, was the toneless answer. _Haha, so funny..._ After he finished buttoning his shirt, he turned back to me. The way he stood before me, I noticed for the first time how tall he actually was - at least one head taller. His body, which looked dangerously good in this uniform, I didn't want to check further.

Who knows what thoughts I might have been going through my head. And to be honest, I didn't understand what was wrong with me, I had never found a boy attractive like this or felt this way towards a boy. »Is that all you have to say?«, I wanted to know right away. »What do you expect to hear?«, he inquired with sincere disinterest. I was about to lose my temper. »I don't know. How about an apology to start?«

»And why would I do that?« Threateningly Sehun made a step in my direction. I was getting fed up with this question and answer game. I was simply sick and tired of being annoyed even more - for nothing at all. I mean, what was his problem? Did I do something to him? No! Did he do something to me? Yes! and I pointed with a casual movement to my dirty pants.

He was obviously too fine to notice it. I couldn't believe it. »For your information.«, I started to say between clenched teeth. »I remember you being the one who poured that shit all over me in front of everybody.« »So what?«, came from him bored. »So what?!«, I repeated in disbelief. »Do you know how hot that was?«

Ready to smack him anytime, while I waited for his answer. Sehun, however, remained stubbornly silent. Instead he looked at me. His gaze glided agonizingly slowly away from my eyes, over my lips, down to my neck and further and further down. One shiver after the other ran down my back, while my anger gradually receded into the background. 

Strangely enough, at that moment all the insults, which I had carefully considered beforehand, did not occur to me with the best will in the world, so that I silently let him check-up me with my mouth open. Yes, Sehun's gaze had indeed managed to make me completely speechless - and this fact annoyed me so much that I immediately wished a deep hole would open up beneath me to swallow me in. 

Why did this jerk have such outrageously intense, dark eyes? That was... just unfair! »Hn.«, was his monosyllabic comment, before he ran straight past me and left me standing in the rain, so to speak. Trembling, I let the accumulated air out of my lungs. _Damn_ , I thought and noticed how my anger mixed with a large portion of shame returned to me.

»Does that mean you're sorry now?«, I shouted after him, after I had caught myself again, and watched him as he casually threw his bag over his shoulder.

He did not answer anymore - my anger grew. _I mean, what a miserable... pompous... asshole was he, huh?_ I stomped my feet on the floor, upset.

Was a simple Sorry too Much to Ask? Hn... did that word even exist? And why the hell did I act like a scared little boy around him? What was there in his eyes that silenced me?Awful was the whole thing, just awful. A slight throbbing gradually became noticeable in my head, so that I tried by all means to calm myself down again. After all, this asshole wasn't worth sacrificing my nerves for, right? _So just keep breathing in, breathing out. breathing in..._

After I noticed that my pulse had normalized and I was able to suppress my anger as far as possible, I approached my locker and entered the combination of numbers in the corresponding lock. With one click the tinny, dark blue door opened immediately and I began to rummage through my locker for my sports pants. Oh Sehun may have been an asshole, but what he could, I could do.

_Just wait and see!_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I really hope you'll like this story so far!


	6. too good to be true

Restlessly, I rocked my pencil, which I had caught between my index and middle finger, back and forth while my eyes constantly fixed the hands of the clock that hung over the blackboard in the classroom. _Three minutes_ , I thought with a sigh and noticed my belly rumbling in protest.

I only had three minutes to come up with a plausible explanation for my actions of the last hours, because then it would ring at lunchtime and I would be exposed to Sooyoung's endless questions. If only I had listened to my instinct and had left as soon as possible when I still had the opportunity to do so.

_It was like this:_ After I slipped out of my coffee-stained pants and into my clean sweatpants and dabbed a few drops of my perfume on my wrists, I immediately made my way back to my class. Of course, I was still angry with a certain Jerk - pissed off to be exact - but I had decided that it would be wisest to concentrate on other things for the time being before I could think of a suitable revenge for him.

However, these other things - such as the two messages I had ignored earlier in the hospital room - were much more important to me at first, so I decided to take care of them first. I already had a faint premonition of what was to come - and precisely because I had this premonition, I could not allow myself to be distracted.

So I quickly fished my smartphone out of the pocket of my blazer and traced the unlock pattern on the screen with my fingers. Immediately I noticed the letter symbol at the upper left edge. Taking a deep breath I finally started to read the news.

09:02am

Park Sooyoung

Where are you? Is somethings happend?

09:20am

Park Sooyoung

Baek! I know you're hiding something from me about L.A. So answer me!

_Damn_! I thought while staring at the display. _Shit, shit, shit._ Exactly what I feared had happened. Good God, what was I supposed to do now? I knew Soo wouldn't just let up that easily, but it looked like she was pretty pissed off at me for that. Okay, for outsiders, her messages probably didn't sound too bad, just a little bit irritated, but I knew all too well that if my best friend didn't use a smiley or emoji, extreme caution was required.

Simply because I had already experienced it once - although I couldn't say what she had been angry with me for. But that didn't matter anyway, because this one time had been enough to leave an unforgettable mark on me forever. Never in my life did I want to see her theatre a second time. The thought alone was enough to make all my alarm bells ring at once.

I wanted to type "I'll be right there..." as an answer to avoid worse, when suddenly a better idea came to me and I turned off my smartphone not a moment later, only to have it disappear in my pocket. Because if I told her that my phone had been turned off all morning - aka 'battery dead' - she wouldn't be able to blame me for not responding to her messages, would she? Yes, yes, I know very well that this was not the best way, but... still better than reminding me of L.A.!

At the same moment, while I was still trying to push down my pangs of guilt, I stopped in front of the locked door of my classroom. Although I had forgotten to look at the clock, but I suspected that it could only be a few minutes until the lesson was over.

Suddenly it felt as if there was an obscure wall in front of me that prevented me from moving on, and as if someone was pulling on my arm to take me far, far away. No matter where, just not back to this class - where one hundred percent of a upset Sooyoung and an arrogant jerk would surely be waiting for me. On the other hand, however, my conscience fought against this crazy idea. After all, it was anything but my way.

Usually I didn't let myself be thrown off track so quickly and adapted my actions and facial expressions accordingly to the situation. However, as I had to admit, the temptation to obey my feeling was great - very great indeed. For how else could I have best pulled myself out of the affair? How could I have calmed Soo? And how on earth could I have confronted Sehun without going into a rage?

Undecided what to do now, I stood like a complete idiot in the deserted corridor, while I alternately shifted my weight first to the left leg, then to the right leg, nervously chewing on my lower lip. My feelings and my conscience fought against each other - almost as if an angel with a halo and a harp and a devil with pointed horns and a trident were sitting on my shoulders, wishing the plague on the other one's neck.

And the little devil - that is, my feelings - would almost have succeeded in winning me over if the familiar ringing of the school bell had not suddenly begun. It was sheer mockery. _Oh, how I abhorred that sound!_ , I lamented in my thoughts, while pupils as well as teachers suddenly streamed in from all classes - including mine - so that I had no time left to actually put my back down. Submissively I sighed and finally entered the classroom with my head hanging.

»Oh, how nice of you to show up again.«, my best friend immediately grumbled at me. The others, who had scattered in groups around the room or rummaged through their things, gave me short glances, which I skillfully ignored. Determinedly I headed for my seat in the back row, the first thing I noticed was the free chair next to Jisoo.

Sehun had obviously not returned - which could only be good for me. However, a mighty angry looking Sooyoung was waiting for me, as I found when I finally turned to her after a long time of hesitation. »Soo, please.«, I begged her. »I don't have the nerve for that now.«, weakly I let myself fall on my chair.

»Good.«, she replies snippily, folding both arms in front of her chest. »I’ll leave you alone - if you tell me where you've been. And why you don't answer me! And what the fuck happened in L.A.!«, towards the end her voice became shriller and louder.

»Shht.«, I drove in between, grabbing her by the arm, pulling her towards me and conspiratorially gliding my gaze across the room. I suddenly felt like a criminal caught in the act. Fortunately, no one seemed to have overheard Sooyoung and me. »I'll tell you.«, I finally started again, although I regretted my words at the same moment. »But not now and not here.«

»Then when?«, she asked annoyed. »Shall we say... on our lunch break?«, I suggested. »Promise?«, she hitched on like an infant in a huff, so I sighed profusely. »Promise!«, I then assured her and left her to sit back and relax completely. Good God, what had I got myself into?

For the rest of the morning, Sooyoung had been giving me conspiratorial glances over and over again, but fortunately I was able to block them out as much as possible. But now, as the lunch break was getting closer and closer and thus this promise, I felt an ever increasing, nail-biting nervousness inside me. _Damn, in one minute it was time! I had to think of something to get out of this thing - right away!_

»Do you know where the new guy is the whole time?« Sooyoung suddenly asked me out of the blue. And there it was, that spark I had been looking for. It was as if I was struck by lightning in my mind. »I don't know. All I know is that he got his school uniform.«, I replied, seemingly casually trying to change the subject. »But hey, do you feel like some coffee later?«

For a brief moment she looked at me. »Sure.«, she finally said. »Great, then.. And then I'll go get us one and I'll meet you outside, okay?« As if a swarm of vicious insects was after me, I immediately rose and squeezed myself out past the crowd, who were also eager to get away. Sooyoung didn't even get the chance to respond and I knew that this hasty leaving was anything but unobtrusive. And although it hurt me to make my friend wait even longer, I didn't see any other possibility.

Arriving at the stairs leading down to the sales stands, I suddenly dreaded going on. Unconsciously I was looking for a black shock of hair that I would have recognized among thousands. But there was no trace of it, so I gave myself a jolt and went down the stairs. While I waited for the friendly shop assistant to hand me the coffee I had ordered, I began to think about how I could get out of this mess.

Simply not returning to Sooyoung and making her wait was not an option. Because sooner or later I had to face her, I knew that, and the longer I hesitated, the greater her anger became. Yet I was afraid to tell her the truth. Okay, I could tell her the incident with the Jerk this morning with a clear conscience, but as far as my holiday was concerned... I just didn't know the answer.

I didn't want to think about it at all. I didn't want to think about what had happened. But if I had told her about it, the memories would have come back like a film unwinding over and over again. I don't think I could bear this grief. But - did I have to lie to my best friend about it - even more than I already did? Was I even allowed to call myself a friend when I considered this option?

Sooyoung didn't deserve that but... I didn't want to think about the horror trip to Los Angeles under any circumstances. At least not yet. With a heavy heart I finally accepted the paper cups of hot coffee offered to me and looked for a way back up. In the meantime, there was a dense crowd.

As it looked, at least half of the students were eager to get a bite to eat or a sip of this and that at the same time. At the top I turned left when I suddenly bumped into someone. It was like deja vu. The two cups slipped out of my hands in fright, and the next moment they poured with relish over a white shirt.

It was too good to be true.

If there was such a thing as the just punishment that hit everyone sooner or later, I had now experienced it live, because the person I accidentally bumped into was none other than the dear Mr. Oh himself. _Haha, my revenge could not have been better_ , I found and laughed secretly into my fist.

It seemed as if my inner conflict and concern about my best friend had been blown away. »That's not possible.«, he complained stunned and tugged at his wet shirt, now soaked with brown stains. My lips twitched, inside I was trembling with pleasure. »That was not on purpose.«, I giggled more than I spoke.

Sehun was now looking directly at me. I could swear that his eyes darkened as he narrowed his eyebrows and gave me the coldest of all looks. Suddenly - I was still torn between laughing and not laughing - he grabbed my wrist and pulled me along with him. But his steps were much bigger than mine, so I had trouble following him and almost tripped over my own feet a few times.

»Where are you going?«, I asked him after recovering from the moment of surprise. But he didn't said anything. »Hey, now wait a minute and let me go right now!«, I complained. We literally rushed through the hallway, passing students and teachers by. At least not too many people were curious about this situation, which could certainly be misunderstood, since most of them were already outside in the schoolyard or in the canteen on the third floor.

Nevertheless, I was sure that this misunderstanding would soon make its rounds. »Let go of me now!«, I shouted after we were out of earshot and shook my arm violently. But I couldn't free myself, because - as unfair as it was - Sehun simply increased the pressure of his hand, with which he clasped my wrist. »Are you hard of hearing, you asshole?« I kept nagging, but the next moment I bit my tongue in horror.

I mean, I didn't really just say that, did I? Did I just call that dickhead an asshole really, really loud? Jesus Christ. Yeah, thinking it was one thing, fair enough, but saying it out loud was another thing entirely! Especially from someone like me. After all, a Byun shouldn't let themself get upset like that - that's what my mother had preached to me over and over again all these years.

»What would we be then? What would become of our good reputation then?«, I heard my mum's distant voice say in my mind. »I won't let you put that at risk. I'd rather kill myself and your son!«, I shivered. Yes, that was the exact wording - I remembered again. Shortly after my dad had threatened her with divorce - during our vacation and after the incident that happened there - she said it.

Although this was one of the more harmless things. But it's always been that way. My mother cared only about her public image, her own pride. The main thing was that she was loved by others for what she claimed to be. The truth was quite different.

But as long as the semblance of a perfect life always seemed credible, no one cared what the truth finally looked like. Why should they? It didn't matter that there were people - like me, for example - who nipped all their hopes, all their desires and their right to make their own decisions in the bud just to live up to the selfish ideals of individuals.

However - why was it so important what others thought of you, when in the end you could no longer look at yourself in the mirror? Which sense had the whole thing make? I didn't know - and it was heavy on my stomach. So heavy that it suddenly made me nauseous. »You're not really going to faint, are you?«, the loveliest of all voices suddenly spoke to me.

»Huh?«, I gasped in horror and blinked several times to banish the veil of my memories from my view. Two dark eyes watched me tense. Were they worried? Pity? What was it that ate into my soul? And who was it that owned those beautiful eyes? »What's wrong?«, he asked me further and as if in a trance I shook my head.

A fire suddenly spread inside me when I realized that it was Sehun's eyes that were looking at me. When I realized it was his voice speaking to me. When I could feel his warm hands on my shoulders while he held me supported. This fire took my breath away, seemed to burn my skin and as if he had felt this unbearable heat as well, he suddenly let go of me and turned away from me.

I staggered slightly before I found my balance again and could feel solid ground under my feet. Embarrassed, I cleared my throat. I mean, what was that? Did I completely lose my mind? Or was it because of Mum? I painfully realized that I had once again allowed my whole mind to be focused on the day of that fateful vacation, even though I had sworn myself to the blood that I would never do it again - and this of all times while this idiot was near me.

No wonder I was beginning to go crazy, right? Damn it, I needed to get my mind off things - right away! »What are we doing here?«, I asked him, after an eerie, dark silence had settled between us. It was the case that Sehun had led me to the lockers where we had already met this morning. »Negotiate.«, he replied a bit too calmly for my taste.

As if his voice had suddenly taken on a completely different sound. Moreover, the supposed worry had long since disappeared from his gaze when he looked at me again and I wondered how one could turn the switch oneself so quickly. Or had I just imagined this concern earlier? Or did I even hoped for it?

»Because of this.«, he continued to speak, when my confused look had obviously not escaped him and pointed to his - thanks to me - soiled shirt.

»That really wasn't an intention.«, I defended myself immediately and felt a small touch of remorse coming up in me. »Yeah, sure...«

»So, what is it exactly?«, I ignored his objection and wondered myself about the curiosity that resonated in my voice. »I don't have time to deal with spoiled brats like you.«, he replied, stroking his hair annoyed. I already had a pointed reply on the tip of my tongue, but he hurriedly tried to continue speaking so that I didn't have the chance to throw it at him.

»I'd say we're even. From now on, you stay away from me.« _Believe me, nothing would have made me happier_ , it crossed my mind, if it hadn't been for one little thing. »And what about the project? I don't think everybody can do their own thing.«, I said wondering. »But you don't have to keep filling me up with this stuff.«

»I didn't do it on purpose!« There he starts again. Yes, the thing with the coffee was a satisfaction for me. However, this did not give him the right to act as a poor victim, after all he had started it and did not even bother to show any remorse. On the contrary.And what does it mean all the time?

»Then you're just stupid.«, he said mockingly at me after a short pause. _Otherwise he was fine, right?_ »And you're an asshole!«, I grumbled back after I felt the heat of anger go to my head. At that moment I didn't even care if this expression was appropriate or not, after all it was nothing but the truth and on top of that I didn't want to let his insult just sit on me. He was the idiot here and not me!

»You already said that. Nevertheless I want my peace from you.«, he insisted and turned around with a shrug. As if there were no objections. As if he has the last word and that's that. Madness. Really, a madness as this asshole managed again and again to make me so furious. It bothered me that for him this subject was now apparently ticked off, while I would have liked to smash something to pieces. I mean, did all that leave him completely cold?!

_Yes, I suppose so_ , I scolded in my mind. I suppose that's what idiots do. I hardly noticed that I shook my head and cursed him inwardly when he suddenly started to take off his shirt much too slowly. First I noticed his bare, broad shoulders, then his upper arms, on which the muscle strands were clearly visible. His shirt slipped deeper and deeper.

»Wh-what are you doing?«, I said and I wanted to slap myself. What did I have to stutter like that? »What does it look like?«, it came promptly from him. Oh God, why did his voice suddenly sound so rough? »Why?«, with one quick movement he finally took off his shirt completely and turned back to me.

A few dark strands of hair fell diagonally into his face while he looked down at me from above. And I thought his back was sensual, but that was nothing compared to his front view. The skin on his chest was slightly reddened - most likely due to the hot coffee. He was also slim - not too skinny - and his belly showed slight muscles. In his groin area I could clearly see the V-shape.

Damn, Sehun just looked forbidden good. And I was speechless. »Because I don't want to walk around with this thing here.«, he suddenly spoke on and pointed to his shirt, which was now lying curled up in his locker. Embarrassed, I turned my attention to his eyes and hoped that he hadn't noticed my blunt staring. But he grinned at me with a wry, mocking, almost terribly sexy smile. My eyes widened. _Shit_ , I thought, I had to get out of here fast! Before I killed this idiot or kissed him senseless. _Baekhyun, what are you thinking?!_

»I... I'm leaving.«, I said, swallowing a huge lump in my throat. Not a moment later I ran off as fast as I could. Sehun called after me, but I was so busy suppressing my blush of shame that I didn't understand what it was. To be honest, I didn't even want to know.

Ashamedly I slapped my hands in front of my face while I turned back to the school hall. Damn... What was wrong with me? What was that Sehun doing to me? I was so annoyed. And it wasn't the first time I wondered how I could ever survive this project with him.

»Baekhyun!«, I suddenly heard a girl calling me. Out of breath I stopped, turned around and recognized Seulgi, one of my classmates. »Say, do you know where Sooyoung is?«, she asked me casually, but for me it was as if a huge avalanche suddenly overtook me, taking me with it and burying me under a meter-thick layer of snow and ice.

I suddenly realized that she was still waiting for me and that I still didn't have an excuse because of that idiot. 


	7. then and now

I left the school building in a hurry and let my eyes wander searchingly across the schoolyard. The sun blinded me so that I pressed my hand against my forehead to protect it. I looked to the left and stood on tiptoe, so that I could make out my best friend over the many heads of the students.

I passed over the fountain, from the centre of which a mermaid statue was constantly splashing water, and on the knee-high edge of which some people were seated, and looked further towards a round pavilion with ornate decorations, which provided some shade, but could not see a familiar face anywhere. I turned to the right.

_There!_ on a waist-high stone wall that separated the property from the adjacent sports field, Sooyoung sat together with Jisoo and Sungjae and seemed to be engrossed in a lively conversation while she dangled her feet. I took my hand off my forehead again and tightened my shoulders before moving, descending the steps in front of the entrance and taking the path to my right.

The closer I got to my friends, the stronger my heart began to pound against my chest. I had no plan how to justify my behaviour to Soo. What to say to her. Unfortunately, Sehun had kept me from my plan to come up with a good excuse, so I had to jump into the cold water unprepared and rely on my non-existent talent for improvisation.

_Argh! I was really not allowed to think about him now!_ I said to myself and took a deep breath when I was only a few steps away from my friends. The thing with Sooyoung was more important for now. »Hey guys?«, I greeted and tried to smile to hide my excitement. Jisoo, who was just about to explain something to Sungjae with her facial expressions and gestures, stopped in the middle of the sentence and looked back as she stood with her back to me.

»Oh hey, baby.«, she said and pulled me to her by wrapping her arm around my waist and breathing a fleeting kiss on my temple. I would have liked best to free myself from her clasp, but I didn't let on and held still. Well, it wasn't that I didn't like being around Jisoo - quite the opposite actually - but every now and then I couldn't shake the feeling that it wasn't right to be lovingly touched by her. I didn't really know why myself, though.

Jun nodded in greeting, sighed and leaned back with his eyes closed. And Sooyoung... well, she looked at me briefly and examined me from tip to toe before she turned her head demonstratively in the other direction and tugged at Sungjae’s sleeve. »Oh yes, I haven't told you about that yet...«, she began, whereupon he opened one eye sluggishly and looked up at her. »What?«, he muttered.

She did that on purpose - to pretend I wasn't there. As if my life wasn't already complicated enough, I thought and the next moment I would have preferred to hide behind Jisoo, but first of all she is smaller than me and so I thought it was wiser to get it out of the way as quickly as possible and prepared myself for the worst while taking a deep breath. »Soo?«

»Where were you this morning?« Jisoo suddenly interrupted me and looked at me from the side. Sooyoung now also turned her attention to me and looked at me with raised eyebrows. A silent reproach was reflected in her eyes. It was now or never, I thought to myself and began to tell my friends about the unsuccessful encounter with a certain Jerk and lots of hot coffee. However, I skillfully left out the fact with Sehun's naked torso.

»That of all people this happens to you.« Jisoo laughed after I had finished. »I would have loved to see his face.« I turned pink around the tip of my nose. It was uncomfortable enough as it was, but did I have to be laughed at as well? »And then what happened?«, my best friend asked, whereupon Jisoo fell silent next to me. »Did you hurt yourself?« I shrugged my shoulders.

»Mr. Lee took me to Yoona Noona. Here.«, I rolled up my sweatpants above my knee so that you could see the bandage on my leg. »I have to wear it for a few days. Nothing bad then.«, i said. »And Sehun?« Again I shrugged my shoulders while the image of his naked chest came to my mind. »I don't know.«, I lied. Sooyoung nodded.

»And…«, she hesitated. »about L.A.?« Oh God, how I had hoped to skip this subject! »That's right, you haven't told us anything about your vacation yet.« Jisoo, who had no idea of the accusations on the part of my best friend, now also interfered. »Tell me, how was it?«

»Yes…«, I said, while I could literally feel small gears working in my head. I chewed my lip and gave Soo a quick look before concentrating on Jisoo. Damn. »The... the food there was great. I think you would have been amazed. The portions were three times the size of this one - at least. Normal-sized portions, mind you.«

»Woah…«, My girlfriend's eyes formed into real little hearts - all that was missing was that he started drooling. Suddenly, Sooyoung jumped off the stone wall. »I need to talk to you for a moment, alone.«, she changed the subject and knocked the dust off her skirt while looking directly at me. »Are you coming?«

I was getting hot and cold alternately and my heart was literally sliding into my pants. _Damn, so now it was just about time._ »Mhm.«, I gave my consent and freed myself from Jisoo's clutches. »See you later.«, she whispered into my ear as she squeezed my hand one last time before I released her grip from me. At a distance I followed Sooyoung’s back inside our school. The gravel with which the path had been poured crunched with every step I took.

The rays of sunshine that hit my back warmed me, but still unwelcome goose bumps spread on my arms and one ice-cold shower after another flashed through me. A thousand thoughts flashed through my mind, but at the same time my head seemed to be empty. Sooyoung had already arrived at the front door. I swallowed and climbed the stairs.

At the top I breathed heavily, although there were at most ten steps. My friend held the door open for me while she gave me a sharp look. Silently I followed her through the corridor until we reached the door to our classrooms. The whole way there seemed longer than usual and I had the feeling that there was treacherous laughter coming from the high walls - which of course was total nonsense. 

_It's just Soo_. I said to myself. _no need to panic!_ Like a mantra that gave me courage, I repeated these words over and over again and tried to relax convulsively. After all, Soo was neither a beast nor a monster and my reaction was completely unnecessary. Heaven, she was my best friend!

One of the most important people in my life. A person with whom you could steal horses. _Or bicycles_. I suddenly thought, and a smile involuntarily flitted across my lips. Immediately, one of the less pleasant memories from my childhood crept into my consciousness.

When we were little, both seven years old, we met. My parents and I had just moved into our new house, where we still live today, when the doorbell rang at the front door and a nice older couple with a basket of sweets, a flower pot with a cactus and a vase with a beautiful white orchid wished us a warm welcome and a good neighbourhood.

My mother was not at home - once again - but my dad was and he was sincerely happy about this unexpected visit. What can I say? Dad was the complete opposite of my mother. I was surprised they were married at all, but good. My dad asked the couple to come in after they introduced themselves as Mister and Misses Park - owners of the worldwide flower chain FlowerPower & more - when a little girl appeared behind the tall man.

»Hello.«, said the girl carefully, looking back and forth between my dad and me. »This is our daughter Sooyoung.«, said Mr. Park. »And this here is my son Baekhyun.«, my dad said proudly and patted my head. »Hello.«, I said, waving. »Do you want to play?« As a child it was much easier and less complicated to find a playmate without having to introduce yourself to each other or get disapproving looks.

Anyway, Sooyoung's eyes got bigger than they already were before she nodded happily. I looked at my father questioningly. He smiled at me lovingly, so that slight wrinkles appeared around his eyes. »But not too long, all right?«, he answered my unspoken question. »All right!«, I shouted, jumped in the next moment and took Sooyoung by the hand while we ran outside.

»What do you want to do?«, I asked her when we arrived in our garden. I myself had a thousand ideas - like playing hide and seek, or climbing into my new tree house, where toys and stuffed animals waiting for us. »Do you have a bicycle?«, she asked me. Suddenly my big grin disappeared from my face. »Unfortunately not.«, I replied softly. »Why not?«

»Mom won't let me.«, I said sadly. »Have you ever driven before?«, she asked in surprise. »Mhmh.«, I denied it in a contrite way and suddenly I had to think about Mum. _If I thought about it... why did she forbid me to do all kinds of things - be it riding a bike or watching certain programmes on TV. What did she want to achieve with that?_ »Come on then.« Soo said after a short break. Obviously she had noticed my dejection. »Where to?«

»I'll teach you to drive.« My eyes got big, because breaking the rules set by my mum - or at least thinking about it - was like a felony for me. Daring yet tempting. »Really?«, I asked and my grin returned. »Yes.« Sooyoung led me along the road. But in between she turned around a few times to check if someone was following us.

The cheeky little girl was planning something even more illegal than secretly watching SpongeBob on TV or having someone teach me how to ride a bike. At the end of the road, she lifted a loosely attached, dark green wire mesh fence so we could crawl through it. I didn't notice that I got dirty.

Behind the fence there was a wide area of land that was overgrown with tall grass that had probably not been mowed for years. In its middle was an old, dilapidated shed, in front of which tyres and metal parts were piled up. »What is this place?«, I asked, as I suddenly felt uncomfortable. »Don't tell anyone okay?«, conspiratorially we put our heads together. »I borrow a bike here sometimes. but I'm not really supposed to.«

»What if we get caught?«, i asked in horror. »If you don't say anything and I don't say anything, how are we gonna get caught? You don't always have to give everything away. From now on, it's our secret, right?« I giggled, nodded, and then had her show me everything - including the old bicycles, which seemed to have been used in the fifties.

It was a lot of fun, back when I was a kid, when the world was halfway okay and Sooyoung and I would often borrow one of these bikes to ride around on and enjoy it. Back then, when I didn't have to think about possible consequences. What a pity that at some point the shed was demolished and the junk that was our very special playground was disposed of to make way for a swanky giant villa. But that's the way life was, it was always changing.

»Can you please tell me now, why you don't want to talk about Los Angeles.« Sooyoung asked me after we entered the classroom and she inspected the room if someone is with us in the room. The smile that had lain on my lips during my recollection disappeared abruptly. A lukewarm hint of panic made itself felt in my stomach area.

»I do.« I fended her off and avoided looking her straight in the eye. »only there's really not much to tell.« How easily this lie came over my lips. Damn, I was so ashamed of it. »Oh, well, then why do I feel like you're hiding something from me?« »I don't know. Just trust me." Lame, really lame. »But that doesn't explain why you didn't reply to my messages.«, she noted and teetered with her left foot. »The battery is dead.« Suddenly my mobile phone lay heavy as a ton in my trouser pocket. She stayed silent.

I saw Sooyoung's eyes were fixed on my face. Much too quickly I turned away from her sight and looked at my hands, seemingly interested. »Do you still remember the old shed with the bicycles?«, I suddenly asked. »Sure. Sometimes I even wish I could turn back time.«, she replied honestly. The reproachful sound had disappeared from her voice. »You said back then...«, I started and took some of the velvety soft paper towels. »You said that we doesn't always have to tell everything, right? That this was _our_ secret.«

»Baek-«, she began, but I interrupted her directly. »Soo, you're my best friend, but there are things I just can't tell you. can't tell to anyone. Can't you understand that?«, my heart was bleeding. I was about to burst into tears, throw myself into Sooyoung's arms and tell her everything. Everything that was on my mind, that tormented me.

Everything for which all the words in the world would not have been enough. But the fear was too great and kept me from it. My mask, my well erected protective wall, had to be preserved at all costs. Even if it meant keeping secrets.

Even if it meant disappointing my friends.

»Oh Baek.«, it burst out of her in tears before she approached me. »Should I be worried?«, she asked and carefully put her hand on my arm. »No…«, I shook my head. Inside, I shook my head and raised my eyes to look her in the eye. »You don't have to.«


	8. Let's go whole hog!

Two days had passed since the clarifying conversation with Sooyoung. Days in which the usual normality apparently returned, my friend no longer punished me with questions and reproachful glances and I therefore did not have to deal with things that burdened me. I had stayed away from Sehun as much as possible, just as he had from me, although I myself was a little surprised how easily I managed to do so without getting in rage and possibly causing the next scandal.

Moreover, the rumours about what I thought would make me laugh - which was so far groundless for others - as well as the mishaps concerning the coffee were kept within limits, so that I was neither embarrassed nor compulsively forced to come up with a plausible explanation. It could be said that these two days passed to my complete satisfaction. But what was it called? Everything had to come to an end and you should stop hoping at the latest when it was at its best.

It's a shame that it wasn't me who was responsible for this - for my taste - much too premature ending, but my teacher. Because if I had my way, this proverbial calm before the storm could have lasted much longer. »Good morning.« Mr. Lee greeted us students on Wednesday in the last lesson, after he finally found his way to our classroom after a fifteen-minute delay.

Despite this delay, he seemed quite calm and relaxed and not as rushed as on the first day of school, when he had been strangely punctual with Sehun in tow. A unison murmur returned the greeting. »As announced last time, today we are dealing with the topic that you and your assigned partner should thoroughly work out for the coming year.«, he said after he carelessly threw a run-down notebook on his desk and positioned himself approximately in the middle of the board.

Tense, I chewed on my pencil. Our teacher took a piece of broken chalk and began to scribble something almost illegible on the blackboard. »Compulsion and freedom.«, he read the two words aloud, put the chalk aside again and wiped his hand on his dark gray pants. »Can one exist without the other? How do these two terms define themselves?« Waiting, he let his gaze wander through the rows of seats.

Jisoo, who had thoughtfully scratched her chin with her fingers, first spoke her thoughts out loud. »Compulsion is staying here till 4:30pm and freedom is when we can go home.« A loud laugh went through the class - even I could hardly keep a grin off my face. _Typical Jisoo._

»Interesting approach.« Mr. Lee replied after it had become quiet again. »But think about it: If you wouldn't feel the school as a constraint, could you actually enjoy your gained freedom afterwards? If you could do anything you wanted to do, where would be the challenge in your life?«

»In Jisoo's case, the answer is clear.« Chanyeol said. »Food!«, the others replied as if in chorus, whereupon another laugh began. Jisoo, who obviously didn't find the whole thing funny at all, pouted insulted and muttered something incomprehensible to me. I looked over at her and gave her a comforting smile, which meant something like 'Don't take it to heart like that'.

She nodded to me understandingly before her usual smile appeared on her face and she leaned back in a comfortable position. In doing so, she released the view of Sehun, and without me realizing it first, my gaze met that of the grumpy looking idiot next to my friend. He looked straight at me - while the smile was still on my lips - with a sinister expression.

I wanted to roll my eyes or stick out his tongue. I mean, was it forbidden in the meantime that I looked at my Girlfriend and wanted to cheer her up? Did I have to ask the idiot for permission? If he did not like it, he was free to look elsewhere, wasn't he? But before I could interpret too much into this moment, he turned away again. At the same moment, the laughter of my classmates diminished, so Mr. Lee started talking again.

»I now ask you not to maintain your usual seating arrangement during my lessons, but to sit down next to your respective partner« - an annoyed groaning and sighing made the rounds - »Jisoo, would you mind start?« Jisoo left her seat while my heart started beating in a faster beat. _Oh God.. I didn't have to..._

»Baekhyun, could you move one seat to the right?« _I had to._

I gripped my pencil so tightly that my ankles were already white, while a queasy feeling in my stomach made my body shake. I curled my lips into a slanted smile, stand up and took two, maybe three steps in Sehun's direction before settling down in Jisoo's chair. The seat was still warm and it creaked suspiciously while I shifted my weight and I - together with the chair - moved as far as possible to the other end of the table.

During this moment, which could not have lasted longer than half a minute - maximum! -, I felt myself being stared at from all sides. By some less conspicuous than by others, but I was sure that the looks were directed at Sehun and me. Maybe they were just waiting for something to happen.

»What? What do you expect? You want me to slap him? Okay!«, I wanted to scream out and vent my anger, but of course I didn't let it show, sat there in a straight posture and looked at the wooden plate of the table in front of me, apparently interested. An agonizingly long second passed, during which I wished nothing more than that something would happen that had nothing to do with Sehun and me, so that there gazes was detached from us again. God, I really got paranoid already!

»Well, the next one.«, our teacher threw in, thus relieving me of my distress. A busy hustle and bustle now prevailed in the room, while my fellow students exchanged places among themselves. Only by the way I noticed that Seulgi sat down on my original chair next to Sooyoung. But I didn't care much about this, because a wave of relief came over me, because I knew now that I was no longer stared at.

However, I suddenly became aware of the oppressively dark presence of Sehun next to me. I avoided to look in his direction, or even to make a sound. Even my breath became shallower - and quieter - while my heart threatened to jump out of my chest at any moment.

Not for the excitement, no. I think I was kind of... scared? Afraid? Terrified? Whatever you want to call it, I was afraid of the coming months. What if Sehun managed to draw me out in such a way that I did one stupid thing after another? What if just one false sound coming from his throat was enough to make me explode?

What if in the end he brought out all the bad things in me that I have always tried to hide - to repress - by a charming appearance? Damn, I was terribly afraid of discovering the same ugly creature I already knew from my mother. And I wanted to avoid that at all costs. However, the fact that I had more to do with this Jerk in the future than I would have liked could no longer be ignored.

At least one thing was certain: this Oh Sehun could become incredibly dangerous to me if I did not watch out. It could have been so much easier and less nerve-racking if my partner had been just another one. Out of the corner of my eye I suddenly noticed a shadow building up in front of the table, so I raised my head to see who it was.

It was Mr. Lee who had just started handing each student a documents. Nodding, I accepted mine before I turned my attention to it and read what was written on it. In addition to my fear, a huge portion of listlessness now mixed in. With every further heartbeat I became more and more aware that the cooperation with Sehun could indeed not be delayed any longer.

I sighed as Mr. Lee, who stood in front of the blackboard again after each of us received the documents, spoke to us again. »You will find the exact task, as well as some approaches to thinking, on your sheets. Please take the time now to exchange ideas with your partner.«, after he had finished, he sat down on the chair behind his desk and reached for his notebook.

At the same time my classmates began whispering among themselves. _Okay_ , I thought to myself and went over my papers again to distract myself from my gloomy thoughts and to get some peace and quiet for myself. The task was clear: We had to hand in a detailed essay by the end of every second week at the latest, each of which dealt with one of the given topics and was worked out jointly - what cruelty.

The beginning of this was the concepts of compulsion and freedom, as our teacher had already mentioned in the beginning. In addition, the words 'out of class' and 'free time' immediately caught my eye, and a lump formed in my throat. Damn it, that meant that I not only had to deal with this idiot, but also had to do this during my precious free time, didn't it?

As if the former hadn't been bad enough, I thought depressed. _Farewell, you quiet, peaceful time. Goodbye, my nerves_. Inconspicuously, I looked over at Sehun, who, as usual, lay casually more than he was sitting and, seemingly disinterested, alternately looked at his papers in front of him and the clock on the opposite wall.

He didn't give the impression that he was talking to me about time and task management, although Mr. Lee specifically requested it. And I rather wanted to bite off my tongue than to start the conversation with Sehun! The queasy uneasiness in my stomach suddenly increased with every second that passed in which neither of us said anything.

Should I approach him? I mean, somehow we had to communicate, after all, I didn't want a bad grade in my report card at the end. One single mistake and I could forget about my hoped-for admission to Seoul Institute of the Arts. But what if he threw impertinent insinuations at my head again? What if he said I was annoying? Or even ignored me?

God, I didn't know if I could just accept this without reacting with a snappy comment. Torn whether I should seek a conversation or not, I drummed my fingertips against the wooden tabletop when I unexpectedly heard Sehun's voice. »Well…«, he started, staring stubbornly at his papers. »Don't take this the wrong way, I really don't feel like it, but...«

»Believe me, I even less!«, I interrupted him impulsively and almost choked. Think before you speak. Sehun threw a skeptical look at me from the side. Strangely enough, I got the feeling to have to justify myself by enumerating point by point why and how I liked him less than the other way around and why cooperation was much harder for me.

Fortunately I realized before I started talking how childish this would have been and left it at a short nod. Sehun looked at his papers again. For a moment he seemed to think before he turned his eyes on me again. Much too intensively he looked at me, so that I, in turn, turned away and studied my sheet of paper seemingly highly concentrated, while I tried to hide an emerging heat in my face.

Not only his slightly six-pack, but also his eyes - or even his whole face - should be forbidden! The best thing is to stuff this man into a box, then into another one and then ship him somewhere far, far away! »How about a deal.«, he suddenly asked me, thus interrupting my insane train of thought. I looked at him again.

»A deal?«, I asked, now I was curious. »You're still don't annoying me.«, he began to explain after a short hesitation, whereupon I had to swallow. »For that I will take over the work from both of us. How about it?« »No.«, my answer came promptly. _He's out of his mind!_ »Why not? You save yourself a lot of time, grinning, or whatever else you spoiled kids do all day long.«

»You..«, I began, shaking my head uncomprehendingly. I mean, what kind of superficial ideas did he have? As if I was one of those spoiled brats, as he put it so nicely. Damn, I already had a dozen poisonous answers on the tip of my tongue. »And what if we unexpectedly have a test, huh? Then I have no idea about the matter!«, I argued. »I can send you our work by email or something.«

»No, thanks.« »Why not?« »First of all, I don't want to take credit for other people's work, and secondly, how do I know you're not working sloppily and I might get an F because of your incompetence?« »Tze.« Visibly offended, he turned his head in the opposite direction. Oh, I guess I hit the nail on the head, huh? Apparently the ego of Sehun was not quite as untouchable as I thought at first - what a joyous turn!

»I mean, you don't seem to give a damn about anything anyway.«, I threw after him and was delighted to discover that Sehun's tension was increasing more and more. Admittedly, at that moment my initial fear seemed to be blown away, because suddenly it was even fun to get this asshole upset. I could hardly stop myself, because Sehun remained silent, which only spurred me on to annoy him even more.

»However...«, I began after a short moment and rubbed my thumb and index finger over my lips, on which a fine, cheeky grin had settled. »I could take over the work. Then I'd have peace of mind from you and in the end I'd certainly have more untroubled nerves.« Sehun snorted, turned to me again and gave me a challenging look. »You are too stupid to even walk straight ahead. So why should I get an F for your stupidity?« _Damn, that hurt._

»Touché.« I grudgingly admitted - he gave me a cheeky smile. »You know what? Let's forget about this crappy deal and just do it together, okay?« For a moment it became quiet between us before I realized what I had just given of myself. _God, why?_ Had I taken leave of my senses? I wanted to kick myself in the back of my mind.

Nothing at all! Secretly, however, I hoped that Sehun - at least this one time - would show reason and reject my far from thoughtful and completely absurd proposal. Almost I even expected this, but once again he had to disappoint me. »I agree.«, he said dryly. As if his deal had never been up for discussion, or what? I could not believe it, where did this sudden change of heart come from?

»What?«, I asked, perplexed and not very witty. »Apparently I'm not the one who's hard of hearing here.«, the guy thought it was funny too, or why was he smiling at me so shamelessly? »So... you agree?« I could hardly believe it and still couldn't believe it. »Yes.« One word, three letters. That's all he had to say? Yes? Did he do it on purpose?

Damn, I almost jumped up, grabbed him by the collar and shook him hard while yelling: »Why don't you say no, you fucking idiot?!«, but I didn't want to expose myself again in front of the assembled class and forced myself to rest.

»Okay.«, it came out of me pressed and very reluctantly, while I scrunched up my eyebrows and glared at him angrily. »Okay.«, He shrugged his shoulders in boredom.

I buried my face in my hands. _Yes, that was really a brilliant performance of mine_ , I answered him in thought, I should have just taken his stupid deal! I was on the tiny threshold between laughing and crying, but I didn't want to do either and took my hands off my face again. Now it was too late to back out without losing my pride in front of Sehun of all people.

Something told me that this was exactly what he was up to, but I did not want to give him that satisfaction. No, you didn't. Before that happened will the hell froze over. I tensed my shoulders, pushed a stray strand of my hair behind my ear and breathed deeply. I heard Jisoo's unmistakable laugh from the front.

Well, at least Jisoo has her fun, I thought enviously and took a side glance at the jerk on my right. But then I remembered the promise I had made to myself after Sehun had left me standing in front of the lockers like the biggest idiot. _Just wait and see._ Together with the accidental discovery earlier - namely that Sehun's ego was not immune to certain comments from my side - my mood suddenly brightened up a lot.

If I could just turn the tables cleverly enough, he would see what he got out of it, I thought. After all, why should I be the one who suffered one tantrum after another over that bastard when he might as well be the one? Yes, I liked the idea - I liked it a lot.

»So, where and when do we start?«, I asked him after I had made a decision and winked at him skilfully. He frowned uncomprehendingly but didn't give me an answer. »I suggest Friday. Shall we say after school? We can decide spontaneously where we go.«, I continued and noticed when Sehun's face darkened, which I found wonderfully amusing.

»Well?«, I asked after he continued to avoid a response. »All right.«, he finally muttered angrily and turned his arms folded away from me. Haha, I knew that his pride also prevented him from pulling back at the last minute and I was secretly happy about my first - albeit small - success. _Who laughs last, laughs best,_ it went through my mind and for the very first time in my life I became fully aware how true these words were.

I began to make plans to make it as uncomfortable and annoying as possible this coming year, while watching innocently and having fun. I was almost looking forward to Friday, because I could hardly wait for our collaboration - and the beginning of his horror year.


	9. Phenomenal catastrophal

Beep. Beep. Beep.

I turned off my alarm clock, which showed me two minutes past eight in bright red digits, before I drove tiredly through my tousled hair. I sat up sluggishly, no one could stand the early morning buzz! My bed creaked softly as I rose with a sigh and stretched my tired limbs. The difference in temperature between the pleasantly warm ceiling and the rather cool air in the room was immediately noticeable and made me shiver. 

I rubbed over my arms, stretched myself once briefly and yawned heartily as I walked barefoot through my room and disappeared into the adjoining bathroom. Grumpy looking and with dishevelled hair that resembled a neglected bird's nest, I stared at my reflection before I reached for my white-green striped toothbrush and generously spread toothpaste on it. Actually there was no reason to be in a bad mood, it crossed my mind when I was brushing my teeth and staring holes in the air. 

After all, today was Friday and so the time had finally come to put into practice the diabolical plan I had devised for Sehun. I spat out of the toothpaste, rinsed it properly with water and then looked at myself again in the mirror. White teeth flashed cheekily towards me now, as did light brown eyes, in which a fire of anticipation and malicious joy sparkled. In no time at all I washed my face, which I creamed afterwards, and tried to tame my hair with a comb. 

Then I took off my baggy pink sleeping T-shirt, which was up to my knees, and slipped into the freshly ironed school uniform that our housekeeper had put on my dresser in the bathroom last night. Satisfied with the result, I smiled in the mirror. _Let's go!_ After I had grabbed my shoulder bag and put on my Sneakers, I left home without saying a word, after all there was nobody to say goodbye to anyway. 

I could only guess where Mom was, but with Dad I knew: He had flown to Los Angeles again to cleverly market his latest film, which I had attended the premiere of in L.A. and he directed, and to make it appealing to people on the other side of the world, so that they visited the cinemas in large numbers. At least he contacted me every day to give me a sign of life and ask me how my day was. Mum hardly ever did that.

»Good morning, baby.« Jisoo greeted me when I arrived at the wrought-iron gate that stood in front of the school after a ten-minute walk. She made an attempt to kiss me, but I turned my head to the side so that her lips only touched my cheek. »Good morning.«, I replied, grinning at her embarrassed.

»You….«, she started, but was interrupted by Sooyoung, who ran towards us like an excited chick, waving like a madwoman. 

»Good morning, Baekhyunie! Morning, Jisoo.«, she greeted us after she was out of breath. »Do you have any plans for tonight?«, I looked at her first, then at Jisoo questioningly. She shrugged her shoulders. »Why?«, I wanted to know. »There's supposed to be a shooting star shower today.« »Yeah, I've heard about that.« »And El Dorado's having a singles party called 'Make a wish'.« She winked. 

»Soo...?« I asked, pointing alternately at Jisoo and me. »You know, that we both...« »Yes, yes.«, she waved. »You can still come. Seulgi will be there too. I'll persuade Sungjae to come too.« She seemed to be passionate about the idea. But I couldn't blame her, it being Friday. »Persuade.« Jisoo coughed quietly and conspicuously behind her hand. »Yes, persuade.« Sooyoung said. »So... are you coming?« 

She looked at me. Why not, I thought before I nodded. After all, I could certainly treat myself to something if I carried out my plan regarding Sehun. This would be a good end to a successful day, wouldn't it? »I don't know if I can make it.« Jisoo suddenly said, whereupon she received a confused look from my girlfriend and me. »Today I have training.« »But certainly not until late at night.« Sooyoung said with her eyebrows raised. 

»Well.«, it came from my Girlfriend stretched out while she scratched her nose in embarrassment. »I'm expecting company afterwards.« I see. When did she start beating around the bush? It wasn't like her! And what was that scratching on her nose all about? »Oh yeah, who?« Sooyoung said my thoughts out loud.

Jisoo suddenly seemed more jittery than usual as she hurriedly took a look at her watch. »I'll tell you later. I have something to do. Bye.« He left us standing while he steered with huge steps towards the school building. 

A cool breeze blew my hair. »What. Was. That?« Sooyoung stressed every word one by one after Jisoo was out of earshot. All I could do was frown. »I wonder, too.«, I mumbled and watched my Girlfriend. I had a bad feeling, which I could not name. Who did she meet with - at night? And why was she in such a hurry all of a sudden? This behaviour was truly... atypical. _Should I been worried?_ I looked at my girlfriend again and almost laughed at my thoughts. 

_Nonsense_ , I calmed down, we talking about Jisoo! The worst thing that could happen to her was to wear two different coloured socks. Or having his last bite of food snatched from under his nose. So there was no reason to panic. I shook my head when I suddenly noticed a familiar silhouette out of the corner of my eye and so I turned my attention to it. Sehun was about to turn away some girls from the parallel class who obviously wanted to get him involved in a conversation.

He tried to ignore them, was always one step ahead of them, but they pursued him and did not let up. Damn, what would I have given to see his annoyed look! Inside I rubbed my hands - like a sneaky fly - because I knew that today I was sure to get the chance to do so, while amusedly looking at my girlfriend.

»What is it?«, she asked me, whereupon I innocently shrugged my shoulders.

»Nothing. Today is a great day, don't you think?«, I whispered, hooked onto her and entered the school building with her.

Arriving at the lockers, my eyes immediately found the jerk, who was jolting violently at his locker door. Behind him stood his pursuers and chatted so loudly that their annoyingly high voices were probably still heard on the second floor. I stood next to Sehun, opened my locker and took my time taking out and putting in my books. »I'll be right there.«, I said to Sooyoung, who was waiting for me meanwhile. »Go ahead.« »All right, see you soon.« 

Sooyoung's heels echoed twice as loud on the tile floor as she headed to our classroom, so that some of the students looked after her furtively. A loud sigh came from Sehun's direction. I took a deep breath and turned to him after my girlfriend's footsteps had faded away, but the incessant conversations of the girls behind the idiot were beginning to take my last nerve. »Sehunie?«, I began. »You remember, after school today, right? Just the two of us, alone...«

I winked playfully at him. The look he gave me was divine! Not to mention the girls behind him, whose chins made acquaintance with the floor while their features slipped away. _Well_ , I thought amused, _only I could tease him! So fuck off._ They did - after a short pause for breath - indeed. They ran straight past us, satisfied I closed my closet door. »Thank you.« I looked at Sehun. _Did he really just...?_ »Did you say something?«, I asked to make sure. 

»Yes.« However, it did not seem that he would repeat it. I sighed. »Not for this.«, I said after a brief hesitation. _They even got on my nerves._ I stowed my chemistry book in my pocket and without further ado turned back at the heel to follow the same path that my best friend had chosen before. Still a little perplexed by Sehun's unexpected reaction I shook my head. But I certainly didn't let it put me off, after all, I still had a lot of plans with him. Grinning I entered the classroom.

12:58 - two minutes left until the long-awaited end of class. I listened with only half an ear to Mr. Kim's boring lecture, while I drew stars in my notebook, lost in thought. After the morning had proceeded only sluggishly and I had cursed the second hand of the clock, which was ticking much too slowly for my taste, I could only with difficulty hold back a laugh. My right foot bounced silently up and down. In my mind I went over my plan once more - could hardly wait - and then squinted at the clock. 12:59:20. Now my left foot started to bob as well. 12:59:45.

»On page 65, solve homework one through five by next week.«, said Mr. Kim, glancing at his watch in boredom. »Goodbye.« At this very moment the doorbell rang. He slammed his thick mathematics book shut, jammed it under his arm and left the classroom in a hurry, while a commotion arose in the classroom as everyone wanted to leave as quickly as possible. I almost cheered. Much too quickly I had put my book and my pens in my bag after I had noted down my homework - just like the model pupil. 

My chair made a squeaky sound when I got up. »Where and when will we meet today?«, Sooyoung suddenly asked me, thus getting me out of my exuberant euphoria. »How?« »About the party.«, she reminded me. Right, there was something, I remembered it. »About seven outside El Dorado? Or later?« I suggested and shouldered my bag. »Seven sounds good.«, she agreed and turned to my friend. »And you Jisoo? Can you come or not?« »Huh? Oh, sure.« she said absent-mindedly. »but I have to go to practice now.«

She blew me a kiss before she hurried out. »Bye!« Soo and I shouted unanimously after her. »Strange bird.« Ino muttered. »What are you going to do now?« My grin widened in an instant. »Learn.« I said, pointing my head at a certain stupid man. Soo's eyes were getting bigger. Of course I hadn't told her about my plan to get back at him in a deceitful way, after all it had to remain a secret. I can't imagine how shocked she would have been when she heard about it. 

I knew that my best friend would never have approved of what I was about to do, but as I found, it didn't matter much to me. After all, I wanted nothing more than to have fun and for that I had finally found the perfect victim. »All right, I'll see you then.«, she said goodbye to me and gave me a kiss on the cheek. I nodded to her before addressing the victim. Sehun still sat silently on his chair and looked at me with an annoyed look. »Can we?« I asked him after we were the last ones in the room. He made a humming sound before he stood up sluggishly and threw his bag around his shoulder. 

I let him go first and toddled silently behind him, while I did not take my eyes off his pitch-black hair for a second. As we left the building, the glistening rays of the sun welcomed us, while a mild breeze played with my hair. I enjoyed the fresh air and thought again about what a wonderful day it was. »To you or to me?«, I heard the rough voice of Sehun, who now slowed down his steps so that I could catch up with him. »Neither.« I ignored his obviously played flirting while pushing a stray wisp of hair out of my face.

»I thought we'd find a nice cafe.« So I can put something in your drink. »What café?« »How about the Pure. It's not usually this crowded this time of day.« »Welcome.«, a friendly waitress greeted us, wearing a wine-red blouse matching her hair. At waist level she had a black apron tied around her waist, which reached just above her knees. »Okay.« I shrugged my shoulders while silently showing him the way. From step to step I felt more and more exhilarated, jittery and could not hold back a muttered »Finally.«, when we arrived in front of the café. 

The Pure was a small restaurant not far from the school, whose front view was invitingly made of glass so that I could still get a good view from outside. As suspected, only a handful of guests spent their time enjoying a good coffee and a newspaper or eating one or two snacks. I took a quick glance at Sehun before he let me go first this time and I approached the glass automatic door. Immediately it opened and soft jazz music came out of the loudspeakers, which were fixed in the corners above the counter, into my ears. 

»Welcome.«, a friendly waitress greeted us, wearing a wine-red blouse matching her hair. At waist level she had a black apron tied around her waist, which reached just above her knees. Underneath it a white pair of trousers flashed out. I nodded at the waitress and headed straight - consciously - to the back of the café, from where the counter with the bar and the display with all kinds of snacks could no longer be seen. Sehun threw his bag onto the bench covered with black imitation leather before he sat down on it himself and, annoyed, crossed his arms in front of his chest while he sighed.

»Excuse me for a moment.«, I said to him and went back to the counter, behind which the waitress was busy polishing a glass dry. »What will it be?« she asked me after she put the glass aside. »Two Cokes, please.«, I ordered and rummaged in my pocket for my wallet and a tiny bottle of Tabasco sauce. The red-haired waitress straightened her glasses and grabbed two clean glasses in which she filled ice cubes and a sparkling brown liquid. Meanwhile, I reached into a large cup standing on the counter and pulled out a blue and a red straw.

The ice cubes clinked noisily against the glass as the waitress placed the drinks in front of me on the polished plate. I handed her a few bills. »Keep the change.«, I said, whereupon she gave me a grateful smile before turning away from me and stepping out from behind the bar to check on a calling guest. I took advantage of this opportunity immediately. I stowed my wallet back in my pocket and reached for the bottle of Tabasco, which I opened with nimble handles. 

While I looked around to all sides, I drizzled a few drops of this spicy sauce into a glass - though I didn't exaggerate - and had to suppress a tremor of my hand. _Enjoy it, you asshole_ , I thought spitefully and closed the bottle again. Then I put the red straw into my glass, which only contained ice and coke, and the blue straw into the other one, which I stirred a few times to mix in the Tabasco well. 

I let the bottle disappear unnoticed back into my pocket before I grabbed the glasses and returned to Sehun. On the way, I held Sehun's mixture against the light to see if the cola looked suspicious. Fortunately, it didn't. _Perfect_. Arriving at his place, I dropped myself on a padded chair opposite him and put the two drinks on the table. I pushed his towards me. »Here. It's on me.«, I said and tried to appear as calm as possible, while inside I almost exploded with amusement.

Sehun narrowed her eyes sceptically. »Did you spit in it?«, he asked me and looked at his glass. »Or put drugs in it?« »Why?« I wanted to know like the innocent person and I bit my tongue. Damn, was it that obvious? »Because you are so...« He was obviously looking for a suitable word. »...nice?« I suggested. »More like suspicious.« he said. I waved him up. »That's bullshit.« _Who was he? a detective?_ Demonstratively, I took a sip of my Coke to show him that he could do the same without hesitation. 

The carbonic acid was making my throat and nose tingle uncomfortably, so I had to cough briefly before I turned away from him to take my documents out of my pocket. And more to hide my lie. Seemingly interested, I read the assignment for the most repeated time while squinting repeatedly at Sehun and his drink. _Why didn't he drink yet? After all, I had been looking forward to this moment all day long! Does he not believe me?_

»What?« he growled when he noticed a furtive look on my part. »Nothing...« I dodged and changed the subject. »What do you want to start with first?« »Never mind.« I knew that was coming. I sighed excessively loud. »Okay, then compulsion.« I decided, reading out loud from my assignment sheet. »Describe situations in your life where you have experienced compulsion and freedom.«

After I had finished, I turned my eyes back to him waiting and sipped my drink on the side. 

He looked at me in silence for a long time, seemed to be looking for an answer, probably even weighing the pros and cons. After all, this was a very personal question, wasn't it? »You.« he finally said, bending his arm on the table to support his head. »You’re my compulsion.« It was as if the world had stopped spinning for a second and as if nothing and no one was in that café except the two of us, while his gaze literally tried to devour me. My heart stopped for this fleeting moment, and no words would leave my mouth. 

_Why, damn, why did everything Sehun said sound so completely seductive?_ »What about you?«, he asked me and I deluded myself that he leaned forward a little bit towards me. »My parents.« I confessed, while I could not take my eyes off his. They held me captive, seemed curious for sincerity and nothing but to demand the truth. And I was foolish enough to serve him everything on a silver platter with a succinct answer. God, what was he? Some kind of voodoo magician?

»What about them?«, he pulled me out of my trance, so that I quickly focused my attention on a spot behind him. »What about who?« I pretended I didn't know what he meant. I just didn't want to think about my parents, especially Mum. Especially not now. Not when I was so dangerously close to that jerk. Because this isn't exactly how I imagined having this conversation. So why was everything getting out of hand? »You said your parents were your compulsion.«

»You heard wrong. Did I say parents? I meant school, of course. Exams, studying and all that.« - My voice was trembling. Damn it, I had to get myself out of that awkward situation! - »Aren't you thirsty?« For my part, I reached for my glass again and drank eagerly from it until there was nothing left. Sehun reached out his hand for his, but took it back again at the last moment. »Not now.« couldn't he just do me this favor and drink from his fucking coke? That's the only reason I did this to myself in the first place. 

And what did he do? Just did nothing to turn the tables on me, tried to put me off. But not with me, I suddenly got angry and would have loved to reach for his drink and force it into him. »Someone like you probably doesn't even know anything like compulsion.«, he picked up the conversation again and leaned back again. However, if I had my way, he was still much too close to me. »Someone like me?« Confused, I raised an eyebrow. What made him think of that? 

»Well, you can probably get anything you want from Mommy and Daddy. And as long as you have money, you can always buy your way out of compulsions, isn't that right?« »What do you know?!«, I grumbled at him and noticed the anger going to my head. Where did he get the right to judge me of all people? Me, who's been locked in a gilded cage all his life. Who tried to break out of it, but in the end lost the fight and had to bury his hope forever? I couldn't believe it. _If I had just kept my mouth shut..._

»You think just because you're good-looking you can act like an asshole and«. - Words failed me, indeed. - »push someone like me into a drawer.« I breathed in and out violently until I realized that I had once again let myself go far too much. Why couldn't I just let him think what he wanted? It should have been all the same to me, damn it, because I knew better, didn't I? Then why did I act so angry? God, he even managed to make me angry at myself! Ashamed and annoyed at the same time, I looked at the irregular wood pattern on the table top. Sehun laughed harshly.

»You're right.« he finally said and I could hear the mockery in his voice. »But at least I'm not a liar.« Satisfied with himself, he now took a strong sip of his coke. Tensely I looked at him again. He pulled his face briefly before he spat the drink back into his glass. »What the...«, he cursed and placed his glass noisily on the table, so that the liquid bounced dangerously and threatened to spill over as he wiped his sleeve over his lips. He coughed and threw a deadly look at me. »What's in there?«

I shrugged my shoulders, collected my papers and my bag and stood up. Somehow the joy of my successful plan failed to materialize. To tell you the truth, I had imagined it to be much more funny, but now? Now I found my idea just immature and childish. What was I thinking, too? I snorted and suddenly I didn't feel like hanging out with that idiot any longer. Generally, I was fed up for today. I just wanted to get away and hole up in my bed. Why did I have to bring up my parents, too? And why did Sehun's words hit me so hard? 

Because he was telling the truth? Because I was a liar - a damn bad one, mind you? I didn't fucking know. I didn't fucking know! And it was all that arrogant Jerk. Without exchanging another word, I left the café and Sehun behind me. I didn't want to think about anything anymore, didn't want to hear anything anymore and hoped that at least tonight, when I met Sooyoung and Jisoo, I could celebrate for a few hours.

_But that my whole life changed from the ground up that night, I would never have dared to dream._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you enjoyed this chapter. I'm curious what you think about this story so far


	10. out of control

»Geez, Soo, where are you?!« I yelled into my phone with all my might. However, my voice was completely drowned out by the sound of the bass and the accompanying music, which I felt vibrating in my chest, as well as by the buzz of voices of the people around me. The El Dorado as always very well visited, as I had to realize with a sigh. One hardly had an inch of air to fight your way through the dancing and chatting crowd.

In addition, I found it difficult to breathe, as there were unpleasant clouds of smoke hanging around the room and one or two of the people I collided with blew their disgusting flag of alcohol at me. At the other end of the line I heard a rustling and a crackling before I hung up annoyed and let my gaze wander through the crowd searching. The different colored flashing lights made the search more difficult for me, though, so that I could only leave my eyes half open without having to fear that I might go blind from the glare.

_Where were my friends? Were they even here yet?_ There was no sign of Sooyoung or the others outside the entrance, so I suspected they had already started partying without me. However, inside I had much less success in discovering someone, as I could not see further than two rows. There were clearly too many people gathered at once! _Great, really great_ , I thought annoyed and wanted to go back outside, because the desire to party was slowly disappearing.

How did I even get the stupid idea that after such an unsuccessful afternoon, the evening should go better? _I should have just stayed home and crawled into my bed..._ I had almost reached the exit when suddenly my smartphone, which I was holding tightly with one hand, started to vibrate. I looked at the display and discovered an message from Sooyoung.

19:06

Sooyoung

Where are you? O.o 

19:06

Baekhyun

The question is rather, where are you?

I thought we'd meet at the entrance.

I typed with nimble fingers and pressed 'send' before turning around and letting my gaze wander across the dance floor once more. Not a second later I received another message from my best friend, who told me that she - gracious as she was - would wait for me in front of the toilets. And these were - how could it be otherwise - in the opposite direction, which meant that I had to turn back again. Right through the dancing crowd. Snorting, I rolled my eyes.

_Great, really great_ , I thought for the second time that evening before I listlessly set out to get to the meeting point. Meanwhile, an elderly guy with grey hair and a three-day beard bumped into me. Urgh - and he was sweaty! Disgusted, I pulled a face, tried to breathe through my mouth so that I didn't have to bear the guy's stench, and squeezed past him more badly than right. »Hey, cutie!« he complained, obviously drunk.

But I ignored him and fought my way to the toilets through. When I finally reached them, my eyes and ears immediately thanked me, because the light was dimmed here and the music was not too booming and loud. Totally exhausted I looked around searching for all sides. At the locked toilet door a group of girls were waiting to be the next in line, whispering and giggling like crazy. All of them were unknown to me - and Sooyoung continued to disappear.

Slowly but surely I was getting the crisis. First here, then there, and there was still no trace of my friend anywhere! But suddenly someone tapped me on the shoulder from behind, so that I turned around, partly astonished partly frightened. »There you are!« Sooyoung jumped at me. She hardly gave me time to realize it and tied my breath away. »No... air...« I squeezed out, trying to free myself from her embrace. Soo fortunately understood me and let go of me.

»You look hot.«, she complimented me, while she checked me out from top to bottom. »and you of all people are saying that?«, I countered, looking at Sooyoung. Now that she was finally standing in front of me, my anger smoked and gradually the party mood returned. Soo looked really breathtakingly good! She had turned her otherwise straight, long hair into beautiful waves and was wearing a red sequined mini dress. A few strands of her side pony framed her tender face.

Pft, and then she said that I, of all people, looked hot! With my blue skinny Jeans, a simple white T-Shirtand the same hairstyle as usual. »Thank you.« she winked at me. »But come on, the others are probably waiting.« With gentle pressure she pushed me towards the dance floor. However, we did not push our way through the raging crowd, as I had done before, but took the path along the dark red painted wall.

At the end of this wall, a staircase consisting of only three steps led to a separate room. The light there was dim, the air was stuffy. To the left and right of the room there were several seats, but all of them were already occupied. On the black lacquered tables flickered here and there half of the candles that had burned down, their wax dripping down constantly. In the back area I recognized a raised, slightly rounded bar, around which stood a high stool.

The bartender seemed stressed - which was not surprising considering the many guests - while he prepared one cocktail after the other with practiced grips. Sooyoung suddenly let go of me and accelerated her steps. She waved at someone, I looked over her and could immediately make out the familiar faces of Seulgi, Irene and Sungjae. The three had taken a seat on a comfortable beige couch and waved when they spotted us.

»What did you bribe Sungjae with to get him to show up.«, I asked my friend emphatically out loud so that everyone in the group could hear me after we reached the couch. Seulgi and Irene smiled, Sungjae gave me a piercing look and Sooyoung punched me in the side. »And where did you leave your darling?« she countered with a wry grin. »This time he was smart enough not to come.« Sungjae interfered and moved up a bit so that Soo could sit next to him.

Meanwhile, I grabbed a chair and placed it across from them before sat on it. I immediately noticed that one chair leg was shorter than the others, because I was bobbing dangerously back and forth. »And how was it today.« Soo asked me after she had made herself comfortable - much to the chagrin of Sungjae, as I noticed, because he was now sitting pressed in between Seulgi and my best friend. »Don't ask.« I replied grumbling, when suddenly the failed afternoon with Sehun crept into my memory.

»That bad.« she said with a grin. My gut told me she didn't really believe me. »Worse!« Sooyoung threw me a short side glance before she turned to the others. »He has "learnt" with the new guy today.«, she told them. »Ah, "learned"«, grinned Seulgi, while in her fawn brown eyes lay a knowing look. »ONLY Learned.«, I justified myself in a huff, because I had not missed this conspiratorial undertone that resonated in their voices and really annoyed me. All synchronously raised their eyebrows sceptically.

»Where is Jisoo anyway?«, it came from Irene, because she noticed I was annoyed. I just shrugged my shoulders, since I actually did not know. After I went home today in a very bad mood from the bad cooperation with the Jerk, I switched my mobile phone to mute and threw myself into my bed after a not very relaxing shower. Over and over again I reflected on the conversation between Sehun and me. And each time I buried my head a bit deeper in my pillow.

I was so ashamed of myself that I had to open up in front of him of all people. That like a child I'd mixed something into his drink. Damn, what devil was riding me? Was I stupid? No wonder everyone in the world - including the idiot - thought I was just a spoiled brat with rich parents and too much free time, after all I was acting accordingly. _Oh God, I was so embarrassing!_ Completely lost in my self-doubt, I didn't notice that the LED light of my smartphone started flashing blue to inform me about a missed call.

Only when I was on my way to El Dorado did I look at the display. Jisoo had tried to call me twice. _But it couldn't have been too important._ I thought, _otherwise she would have left a message on my mobile mailbox or a text message, wouldn't she?_ So I didn't even bother to call her back and ask her what she wanted to tell me. However, I didn't know now whether she still came here or whether her ominous visit, which she had spoken of this morning, had delayed her for a longer time.

But to be honest, I was fine with both - whether she came or not. The main thing was that I didn't have to think about a certain Jerk that night again. Suddenly, the music, which sounded from the dance area into the room towards us, stopped in the middle of the song, so that now the conversations of the people around us, the moving of chairs and the rattling of ice cubes were the only soundscape.

Sooyoung interrupted herself while talking and listened up. »Look out, people!« I heard a distorted metal voice coming from the speakers. Somehow it seemed vaguely familiar to me - and it was already on the tip of my tongue, but I couldn't say how I knew it. »'Make a wish', for all the desperate singles among you, and those looking for a little fun, starts in half an hour!« »Oh my God, is that Ryeowook?« Sooyoung squealed excitedly. Her eyes and mouth were wide open.

»Right.« I agreed with her. Now that she said it. »The game is simple, continued the voice of the radio announcer, If you order a drink between eight and nine o'clock, you will receive a number that is only once per woman and man. At ten o'clock sharp, all participants will gather under the glittering and sparkling sea of stars and can search for their chosen one! Isn't that romantic?« Shrieking, cheering and clapping was the answer.

Why did everyone want to play that stupid number-pulling game all of a sudden and were really keen on it? It's bad enough we had to do it in school. _You never get what you want anyway..._ A deafeningly high tone emanated from the loudspeakers before the music resumed, covering up the remaining noise. »Are you in?«, my best friend wanted to know, visibly excited. I shook my head and suppressed a mocking comment. With my luck, it would be some girl who is talking my ear off and besides, I already had a girlfriend.

»Only Women and men, isn't that discriminatory for gays and lesbians?« Sungjae asked the group and patted Sooyoung on the arm. She understood immediately and rose to make way for him. He slid along the couch until the table was no longer in his way and rose too. »You're right, but unfortunately our country is not yet ready to accept it.« Seulgi shouted after him as he slowly moved away from us.

He waved, but without turning around to let us know that he had still heard this argument. »Dancing?« Soo changed the subject after watching Sungjae for a while, while she made no effort to sit down again. »I'd rather not.«, I answered her with a regretful expression. Just the thought of throwing myself into this crowd on the dance floor made all the hairs on my arm stand up. »Please.«, she whined. I almost felt sorry for her. »No.« Like I said, _almost._

»What about you, Seulgi?" she turned to Seulgi hopefully. As was to be expected, her expression brightened, she loved dancing and was also a very good dancer. »Sure.« She winked at Irene. After the two of them had left, there was an iron silence at our table until I couldn't stand this oppressive silence any longer, apart from the loud music, and left with the excuse 'to get something to drink'. Arriving at the bar, I was pleased to discover that the grape, which had been eagerly craving for alcohol earlier, had apparently disappeared into thin air.

Only two stools were occupied. I grabbed the one furthest away from the others and watched the bartender chatting with a guest while he was pouring beer from a tap into a jug. He then elegantly pushed it along the counter until it reached its destination, the guy he was talking to. At the same moment the bartender turned around and immediately his eyes fell on me. He told the guy to wait while he stepped in my direction. »What'll it be?« he asked me friendly. At close range he looked much older, I noticed and began to think - alcohol, or no alcohol?

My gaze wandered over the neatly arranged bottles that stood on a shelf on the wall. _Fuck it_ , I thought and turned my eyes back to the bartender. »A Real rock'n'roller.« He looked at me for a moment, apparently thought I was old enough and reached for a glass. What can I say? That one became two. Three. Four. Maybe five. In between I drank some other cocktails, which I thought tasted better from glass to glass.

In addition, the bartender and the guy with the beer were talking to me about everything and nothing, laughing, drinking. Gradually I forgot about the time and my friends I was here with - but that did not bother me in the least. Shortly after ten I looked at my watch for the first time. In the meantime I had stopped counting my drinks. I could only guess how much I had already had, even though even this simple calculation seemed incredibly difficult and unsolvable to me.

My sight and perception had also been limited to a maximum of half a meter in front of me - my tongue had become all the more loose for this. The beer guy, whose name I had forgotten, excused himself for a moment because he urgently needed to go to the toilet. Meanwhile, the bartender was serving a guest at the other end of the counter. My head seemed to be empty while I waited. My fingers were tapping to the beat of the music, my feet were dangling because the stool was much too high.

I was bored and yet I was having fun. Crazy, isn't it? Out of the corner of my eye I suddenly noticed that someone was sitting next to me. »Finally, there you are.«, I mumbled, assuming it was my beer mate. It felt as if he had been away for an hour, although only two minutes had passed. »Did you miss me?« asked me the loveliest voice of all. My head was moving around much too fast, so I got dizzy for a moment and had to close my eyes. When I opened them again, my worst nightmare was facing me.

»Go away.« I hissed. That really wasn't true, was it? Why him? Why now? »Very kind. Why?« Amused, the idiot smiled at me. »Because is' already be... Occied.« - I shook my head carefully - »Opied.. Occupied.« Sehun's grin widened - or was it just my imagination? I wondered if he was even capable of it when he suddenly raised one hand and stretched out all his fingers except his thumb. »How many fingers do you see?« »Ha ha, very funny.« I mocked and turned away from him.

But an unnoticed smile crept on my face, as I had already forgotten the number of his fingers. The bartender, who had apparently discovered him, approached us and greeted him. Sehun ordered a beer, which he had not a moment later - which personally seemed like an eternity to me - in front of him. Seemingly unconcerned he took a strong sip. »can you go now?« I moaned again.

I mean he could just take his drink and sit down somewhere very, very far away from me and get on somebody else's nerves, couldn't he?

»Apart from the two of us and that guy.« he said calmly, pointing to an elderly gentleman opposite us. »nobody else here. And unfortunately, he's not my type.« I looked around in amazement and realized that Sehun was actually telling the truth. The room seemed to be deserted. _Why hadn't I noticed this before? And where was everybody?_ »Outside with the shooting stars.«, he answered my unspoken question, whereupon I narrowed my eyebrows. »Oh, yeah? I'm not your type either, so go away.«

It was much too late for this biting reply, but given my condition I didn't even notice it. »Says who?« »Who? You!« Sehun remained silent. »Don't get on my nerves.« I imitated him and tried to growl threateningly, which I failed miserably. The idiot gave me a wait-and-see look, but made no attempt to move even a millimeter with his butt. I sighed and slipped carefully from my stool. »Then I'll go.«, I complained snippily and put my feet on the solid ground.

However, they slipped to the side so that I had to clasp the stool and look for support. »Woah...« My knees were soft like Jell-O while trying to get myself into an upright position. Sehun stretched out his hand to me. But I gave him a sharp look, so he changed his mind again and let his hand sink. Carefully I took one step after another. _Who is building uneven floors,_ I asked myself, when I was making slow progress after I had regained my balance to some extent. _The architect should be dismissed without notice!_

Arriving at the three-step stairs, I took a short break and took a deep breath. Suddenly my beer friend came from above. »Hey, are you leaving already?«, he asked me and looked at me worried. I looked at him and nodded as I ventured up the first step with wobbly legs. »I'll take you home, okay?« he kindly offered and grabbed me gently by the arm. I gratefully leaned on him. »Thank you...«, I wanted to say thank you, but was interrupted by a jerk that made me waver.

»Keep your hands off! I'll take him home!«, I heard Sehun's voice vibrating dangerously low. I shivered inside, even though the alcohol in my blood warmed me. »What...?« My beer buddy seemed - as did I - to be quite overwhelmed. »No!« I complained and clung to beer guy again. »You don't even know this guy!« the Sehun said to me and shook my arm. »And tomorrow you'll be lying dead in a ditch. Is that what you want?« »Hold on a second. Do I look like that?«

»I don't care, he's coming with me.« The two threw sparkling glances at each other until my beer friend gave up sighing. »Whatever.«, he said, freeing himself from my grip, »I'm off.« He turned on his heel and disappeared from my sight without saying goodbye. Sehun touched my arm, I recoiled. »What was that?« I hissed. I mean where did that bastard get the idea to make such a fuss over nothing anyway? And call my beer buddy a potential murderer on top of it? He couldn't care less what happened to me, could he?

»You heard it.«, he replied visibly calm and shrugged his shoulders. »So what? How do you know I don't know him'? I don't know you either! Who's to say you're not up to the same thing?« »Hn.« »Yes, hn.«, I mocked and continued - more courageously and confidently than before - on my way. Sehun followed me. »I'll find my way home on my own.« I commented tense and would have loved to lash out. At the exit, he was still behind me. I thought I had to puke.

»Enough.« I tried to get rid of him again. But he seemed to have little interest in this. »Tze.« As I pushed the door open, I rolled my eyes. Not a moment later the cool night air caught me. It was like a slap in the face. Staggering, I took a step too far to the side so that I hit the door frame. »Excuse me.« I murmured sheepishly. Behind me I heard a giggle - if you could even call it that. It was the same sound Sehun had made when I almost tripped over his bag in the middle of the road on the first day of school.

I looked over my shoulder and snorted. _Oh, how I detested that asshole!_ »Tze!«, I did demonstratively this time, tried to control myself and stalked past him, since he had meanwhile placed himself next to me in the door frame.

Single-mindedly I took the path to my left. Admittedly, staying well-behaved on the sidewalk - and not staggering into the street by mistake - turned out to be more difficult than expected. Still, I didn't want to give the jerk any reason to mime the babysitter and follow me like my own shadow.

Because every time I looked around for him, he was always a few meters behind me. In between I tried - insane as I was - to accelerate my pace and jump into the next hedge to shake him off. Fortunately, my condition did not allow me to go faster than snail pace, so that I dismissed the idea of jumping altogether and concentrated completely on sneaking straight ahead. »If you keep running so slowly, we won't be there the day after tomorrow.«, nagged the idiot behind me.

I would have loved to point out to him that he didn't have to accompany me. However, no sound came over my lips, as I wanted to say several words at once and before I knew it I lost the thread. The rest of the way we wrapped ourselves in a tense - or so it seemed to me - silence, which was only right until we were two houses away from mine and I could already see mine. One fact, however, made me wonder: _Why were the lights on downstairs? Had I left them on? Or our housekeeper? No_ , I thought, _that was impossible._

Mondays and Fridays - sometimes Sundays - she usually never came. And when I left the house, it was still bright outside, so why should I have turned the light on in the first place? Maybe it was Dad, but wouldn't he have told me when he was back on land? Unsteadily, I stopped. And I swallowed. Oh, God, what if it was a burglar? A serial killer pervert? One who ate eighteen-year-old boys for breakfast? Panic ensued, and I just closed my throat. All of a sudden, I felt like I was sober again.

»What is wrong?« Sehun pulled me out of my delusion after I didn't move and he caught up with me. I looked at him in panic. »I think there's a burglar.«, I whispered, because I was afraid someone might overhear us - which was of course complete nonsense. »What makes you think so?« he said at normal volume. I would have liked best to put a finger on his lips and turn around to all sides. »There's a light on.« I told him in a whisper. »Since when do burglars turn on lights?«

»I don't know what they usually do.« »These must be your parents. Or do you have siblings?« »No and no. No one should be there.« I bit my lip. »Are you always alone?« »Never mind now.«, I dodged this more than unpleasant question. »Much more important is the burglar. Or them. Oh, God, what if there's more than one?« »Nonsense.« he tried to calm me down. »Which house is it?« »Third from the right.« Sehun nodded once hardly noticeably and started moving again.

I followed close behind him so that I almost touched him. I could already feel his body warmth and perceived his sensual, masculine scent. He smelled of forest, fresh rain in summer and a dash of lime. There was something strangely reassuring about him, because behind his broad shoulders I felt safe. Nevertheless, my nerves were strained to the breaking point and every sound, no matter how quiet, startled me anew.

Arriving in the front garden, my heart was pounding up to my neck - to say it was racing would have been a gross understatement. The first thing I noticed was that the iron security gate, which could only be opened by a ten-digit combination of numbers, was opened a crack wide. However, I knew almost certainly that I had closed it behind me after making my way to El Dorado, which only confirmed my suspicion of a burglar.

With a quiet squeak Sehun opened the gate so that we could slip through. The narrow, paved path leading to the front door resembled a passage to the slaughterhouse for me. The further we approached, the more I had the feeling to turn back on the spot. Barely two metres from the door, he suddenly stopped so abruptly that I bumped into his back. I wanted to push him but suddenly I heard a cracking noise coming from inside. It was as if a hurricane was raging inside. Continuously glass was breaking.

Clangly metal cutlery. Drawers were torn open and then closed much too tightly again. I held my breath, clung tightly to Sehun's shirt, tremblingly buried my head between his shoulder blades. And I swear - his heart was beating at least as hard as mine was. »Police?« I whimpered through the fabric of his dark shirt. Even this word left my mouth with difficulty, which felt as if I had only been chewing sand for days.

Sehun turned to me so that I had to let go of him. Light as a feather his fingers grazed my cheek as he looked at me. His face, however, lay in the shadow of the night. »Wait here.« he ordered quietly and turned back. »No!« I begged louder than I wanted and clung to him again. _Don't leave me alone now!_

»Shh.« he said as we continued to approach the door together. Carefully, he opened it finally, as it was also opened a crack wide. I was almost hit by the blow! The invitingly large entrance area looked like a battlefield.

The telephone, which was attached to the wall on the left, hung loosely from a cable that came out of a hole in the wall. The full-body mirror on the right side was spread out in thousands of pieces on the expensive brown and white striped carpet. The coat stand lay tipped over beside it - probably the mirror was smashed with it. Opposite the chest of drawers there was no drawer, the contents of which - nothing but small, yellow notepads and torn envelopes - were scattered between the carpet and the floor by the arch connecting the adjacent kitchen with this room.

I thought I was in the wrong movie. A very bad one at that. »Oh. My. God.« it struck me in horror when I realized the magnitude of it. Not a moment later I hit my hand on the mouth. I could still hear a plate or a bowl being smashed to the ground before it suddenly became very quiet. So quiet that I could swear I could hear my own racing heart beating in my ears. Tears of desperation shot into my eyes as I saw my last hour already coming.

_So that's it_ , I thought in panic. _In a few moments, a Gang of feral felons would descend upon us. Dismember us. And then bury us in the woods. Why would they spare us? They had to get rid of the witnesses, didn't they?_ »Baekhyun?« a voice, all too familiar to me, suddenly asked into the silence. »Baekhyun, is that you?« The person carefully peeked around the corner of the archway. The first thing I noticed were bloodshot eyes. Blurred make-up. Dishevelled, dark brown hair. I was so frightened I almost forgot to breathe. »M-mum?«


	11. The glow of shooting stars

I was scared, terrified. Ever since I was little. I was afraid of failing. Not fulfilling the expectations of my parents - and especially those of my mother. To disappoint them. In my delusion I even got so far into it that I was afraid of being myself. To consistently say 'no' once and admit that even I sometimes just didn't have the strength anymore to put in twice as much effort as all the other kids my age, was never an option for me. 

To admit that I was just another person who sometimes needed rest was like admitting weakness. No one was allowed to experience me in weak moments. No one was supposed to recognize that behind my façade was just an insecure, cowardly, sometimes quick-tempered boy full of crazy ideas. Because I wanted to be strong, admirable, flawless. And definitely not weak. This fear shaped my life. It was my constant companion, my guide and decision maker.

It was like a coat that wrapped everything negative in deep shadows and emphasized the positive in an advantageous way. In this fairy-tale, threadbare fashion dream world of my mother, one would certainly have spoken of an indispensable accessory. A must-have, I was sure of it. Now, at the age of eighteen, I suddenly saw this coat in front of me like a soap bubble that burst when it hit the bottom of reality and made this coat leave an ever-increasing wound. 

Like a deep hole that opened up and revealed a greedy monster with gaping teeth and sharpened claws inside and awakened it from its years of sleep. Eagerly it gnawed at my life spirits - bit by bit - until there was nothing left and instead a meaningless emptiness crept into my heart, which was neither warm nor cold, light or dark, black or white. After I saw my mother standing in the middle of the rubble, my fear evaporated. 

After I saw my mother standing in the middle of the rubble, my fear evaporated. My own life suddenly seemed insignificant. Small and insincere. I asked myself over and over again what was the point of this hypocritical behaviour, what was the point of having nothing left in the end, except broken furniture, a horrible appearance and an even more horrible character. Did I really want to end up like this? 

To follow my mother's example unconditionally? Let myself be pushed in that direction? Back then, when I still hoped for better times and I was naive and dreamy - as I was - chasing after shooting stars, the answer was most certainly: »No. Never, ever.« However, I grew older and nothing had ever changed, no matter how many shooting stars I had ever met. I got tired of waiting. 

If I had been asked the same questions a week ago, whether it was worth pretending at all, I would have put on a confident smile and said with a beaming smile »Why pretend? My life _is_ perfect!«, I would have replied. And this lie was probably not even questioned, although I knew what the truth really looked like. But now? Now I began to seriously reconsider this answer. After all these years of hopelessness. 

What was weakness? For years I assumed that it was my negative qualities. All those things that could give people the opportunity to make a bad judgment about me. All the things that my mother had always forbidden me to do. But wasn't it much weaker of me to be afraid of it? Afraid of what others would think of me if they only saw the real me? Would it not have been even bolder to admit and accept all this? 

After all, hiding instead of honestly admitting it was cowardly and weaker than all the rest put together, wasn't it? After I saw my mother standing in the middle of the rubble, I asked myself the same question again. And without hesitation, I answered. »I never want to end up like that!« Now, at the age of eighteen, the long-forgotten hope in me was inflamed anew. Like a brave knight with shining armour and sword and shield, this one faced the released monster in my heart and tried to suppress this hopelessness. But..

Wasn't it too late for that? Too late to completely rebuild my life? The public my mother was trying to push me into knew only my facade. My environment knew only my facade, even my closest friends. My whole life was a facade. The monster in my chest tried with all means to devour the determined hope. If I just let myself, I could keep hiding. Then I could go on pretending the world was perfect, as if nothing had happened.

I felt torn.

Hope with a course towards the unknown or fear with a familiar direction?

What should I choose now?

An end with horror, or an endless horror?

I trembled all over my body when I couldn't find answers and shed silent tears when neither Mum nor Sehun moved. I was also standing in the same spot, but I felt as if I was going in circles. Was it the residual alcohol in my blood or was it my contradictory thoughts that caused dizziness? I didn't know. Just didn't have any explanations, saw no signs. Could only witness the inner conflict of my feelings as an extra, before I couldn't stand it any longer and left the house screaming. 

I screamed and screamed my soul out of my body, while step by step I left the hated house with my hated mother and the hated jerk in it behind me. Hate and anger towards everything and everyone, and yet only towards me alone, mingled with my tears and clouded my vision as I disappeared into the dark of the night without thought of consequences. If I had been in my right mind and my mother hadn't been here, I would never have even considered walking through the neighborhood screaming and yelling.

_What would the neighbors have thought? What light would this have cast on me?_ , would probably have been my thoughts. But now I didn't give a shit. I didn't care if I disturbed someone's sleep or If I even felt ashamed of it tomorrow. I just didn't feel like thinking about others first and me last of all. Was it so wrong to be selfish at least once in my life? More and more hot tears ran down my cheeks until I came to a halt, completely breathless and with legs as heavy as lead. 

My cries fell silent, because my throat was scratching rough while I was panting. The clear night sky was filled with thousands and thousands of stars. Some were more sparkling, some less. In between a glowing shooting star flitted by. I myself found myself in a small clearing surrounded by tall pines and larches and was startled when I realized what place this was. It was the place that, when I was still naive and dreamily chasing the shooting stars, gave me incredible comfort and gave me strength to hope. 

That place where I had spent countless lonely hours full of assurance. Was this an answer to my question? A clear sign that I had made the right decision? Or was this just a coincidence that I had walked to this place of all places? Powerless, I kneeled down in the damp grass, while I wrapped my arms protectively around my body and began to sway back and forth. I must have looked like a maniac, but this - like so many other things at that time - did not matter to me.

»What was right - what was wrong?« I asked myself as I looked up into the sky. It seemed as if the stars scorned me. As if they were laughing at me while I waited expectantly for a sign. Because I never saw a shooting star again. I loosened my arms, which I had closed around my middle, and clenched my hands into fists before hitting the ground with full force. Over and over and over again. 

Suddenly someone grabbed my arms and forced me to hold still. Had my throat not been so sore, I would certainly have screamed again. But I shook as if I had gone wild and tried to get rid of the stranger with it. »Shhh.«, I heard close to my ear. I raised my head and through the veil of tears I recognized the faint contours of a figure in front of me. It was just too dark and my eyes burned too much to see Sehun bending over me. 

I recognized him only by the sound of his voice and his smell, which fogged me and made me forget for a split second. »Go away.« I croaked and tried to free myself from his grip again. »Just go away.« Sehun did not give in though. »What do you want from me anyway? Did you like my mother's show, huh? Don't you want to tell everyone right now? Go ahead. Just get out of here.«, I coughed and swallowed after I finished because my throat seemed dry. 

_Why do I never think before I speak when the idiot is around? Die I really just give him permission to make fun of me? Encouraged him to tell everyone about the incident with my mother?_ God, what was it about him that made me abandon my usual friendly behaviour and break out of my protective cloak to snap at him every time? Again the salty liquid gathered in my eyes when Sehun, after long hesitation, finally let go of me and took a few steps back. 

I heard this from the rustling of the grass that gave way under his feet. »No.«, he suddenly growled as I was already coming to terms with the fact that he was actually considering my proposal. »No, what?«, I hissed. I was no longer capable of more now. Sehun was silent. My nose began to run, so I blew my nose in my sleeve once and then stroked my wet eyes with the other. 

»How did you...« - I sniffed - »...even found me?« Again the grass rushed by my side before I noticed the idiot sat down next to me. »Your screams could hardly be overheard.«, he said and I could literally imagine his apathetic shrug of shoulders. Had I not been so agitated inside, a light smile would certainly have crept onto my lips. For a while, Sehun's words lay between us. 

I shifted my weight from my knees and let myself fall on my bottom while I wrapped both arms around my bent legs. Immediately I felt the wetness of the meadow below me through the fabric of my jeans. But I did not care and I looked again high into the sky. Coming from the east, the waning moon peeped through the crowns of a larch tree. Soon he would wander on and reveal his radiant face to us. My fingertips were already bathed in silvery light. 

»Will you tell someone?«, I asked into the silence after I felt that the silence between us threatened to overwhelm me. »No.«, he replied again and sounded honest. Relieved and stunned at the same time, I detached my gaze from the night sky and looked up at him. The milky glow of the weak moonlight was reflected in his dark eyes. His presence calmed me unconsciously and yet it stirred me up.

»Why not?«, I wanted to ask him. After the thing with the coffee and my nasty plan with the coke I couldn't have blamed him at all, could I? Then why was he being so... nice? But before I could put my question into words, Sehun continued. »You know, I actually intended to take revenge on you for the Coke.«, he confessed, whereupon I nodded understandably. In retrospect this explanation even made sense to me.

»But...« - This time I could actually see his shoulder shrug - »Somehow I don't care. And what happened before, too. That's why I won't tell.« His words stung me. However, Sehun turned his gaze away from me so quickly that, following a sudden thought, I took the opportunity to reply. »You feel pity.«, I said. And Sehun's silence was answer enough. »l can't believe it. Mr. don't-get-on-my-nerves-because-i-don't-give-a-fuck-about-anything feels pity for me!«

I would never have thought it possible that this idiot was capable of such feelings at all. Especially not with me. I hate to admit it, but Sehun couldn't be a complete ass for once. »Hm.«, was for at least half an hour the last I heard, apart from the whisper of the wind in the forest. And somehow I was grateful to him for not bombarding me with curious and sensationalist questions - like Sooyoung would have done.

Gradually I began to relax. The thing with my mum was still heavy in my stomach and I wondered what had got into her, but my tears dried up and the trembling of my body stopped. Sehun seemed to hold on to his thoughts and look everywhere but at me. I did the same as him. In the meantime the moon had pushed itself quite a distance over the treetops, so that its light now made the dew on the grasses glisten. 

With the exception of the two of us, the clearing seemed peaceful and sleepy, waiting for the dawn of a new day. Like an idyllic paradise. Immediately I felt reminded of my home, just like a few days ago when I entered the sickroom. This time something was different. I couldn't name it at first, but I noticed that this feeling of immediately fleeing was absent. I did not want to leave here - not now and not later.

But why was this? Why did this feeling no longer overwhelm me? Because now I had nothing more to lose? Because I had nowhere else to go? I did not want to go home for the next few days anyway. Not while my mother was around. Or was it because a part of me had already begun to distance itself from my previous life? Out of the corners of my eyes I suddenly noticed a golden shimmer, so that I turned my head again towards the night sky. 

I still saw how a shooting star went out when a new one appeared in the sky. And another one. And suddenly the warmth of hope spread from my heart. It seemed to have buried the monster in the shallows of my consciousness and to be pointing upwards to the stars like a glorious victor. Was this an answer? I admitted to myself that a part of my hope was due to Sehun. Not that he wasn't a Jerk anymore - not that - but he hadn't tried to take advantage of my weakness or hurt me more than I already was. 

He had not made fun of me or given me scornful looks. He was just there - of his own free will. I realized that Sehun was the only person around me who accepted me for who I was. After all, he didn't know the lying world of my facade at all. How could he anyway? All he has seen of me so far has been my quick-tempered, perhaps even devious nature. He made me feel as detested as I detested him, and yet he was here. Gave me comfort.

»You were wrong about the compulsion.«, I suddenly said as I remembered his words. »My whole life consists of it.«, I didn't know why, but I felt the need to make this clear. And now that he had witnessed my mother live, I didn't have to resort to excuses, did I? »I know, I suppose one shouldn't always draw conclusions about others from oneself.« »What do you mean?« »Just like I said.«, I didn't respond to it because he made me feel he had already confided in me more than he cared to. I left it at that and again a silence settled between us like a blanket. 

But I secretly wondered what he meant by that. What else had he said to me? 'As long as you had money you could always buy your way out of compulsions, right?' Did this mean that he had no idea what coercion even was? That until now he had only been allowed to experience freedom? Did this mean that he admitted he was wrong? Again a shooting star flew along the sky until it disappeared behind a dark cloud. It was the brightest and most beautiful of all. 

I realized that this could not have been a coincidence. Rather, it was a clear answer for me. It could hardly be more obvious. Completely inspired I now addressed the word to Sehun again. Will I regret it? Well, that remains to be seen, I thought. »Sehun?«, I asked cautiously, and continued, as I was sure of his attention. »Can you show me what freedom means?«, He turned his face towards me and I could swear that the pity in his gaze had given way to an icy cold.

»I mean, I hate you though.«, I tried to add. »It's just…«, I bit my lower lip. How could I make him understand? »And what do I get out of it?«, he interrupted me in my thoughts. His voice had returned to its usual annoyed sound. »Hmm, I know compulsions and you know freedom. So what do you get out of it? A guaranteed A with Mr. Lee.«, I tried to persuade him, while not letting myself be put off by his change of mood.

For me personally, however, my grade and school were of secondary importance at the moment. I just wanted to experience once in my life what true freedom and making my own decisions really meant. Even if I had to follow Sehun. This plan was genius, wasn't it? With this Jerk I could be as I really was without changing the rest of my life overnight. 

And who knows? Maybe in the end it turned out that I didn't like freedom at all. Because then I could still go back. So why wouldn't I dare? »Okay.« Sehun finally said. »Okay, let's start then.«, I said gushyly and stood up. I was aware that I could not return home now. So I didn't want to waste any time to enjoy my newfound freedom. And to leave my normal life behind me, at least for this weekend.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As you guys probably know about the Black Lives Matter movement. if you're able to donate to help the BLM movement here are some tweets that provide links to where you can donate:
> 
> https://t.co/ka2UrGpYBR
> 
> https://t.co/Ai04nSUbrN
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> https://t.co/8oUDU9mKm9
> 
> https://t.co/0WkIiidbOR
> 
> Here are another ways to help:
> 
> https://blacklivesmatters.carrd.co/
> 
> https://t.co/VwvycVsUJv
> 
> https://t.co/AfGkEp2acS
> 
> if you can't donate, then you can also watch this Video: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bCgLa25fDHM


	12. The nightmare of my reality

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger Warning: thoughts about suicide and killing someone, smoking weed

»You can forget that! I won't do that!« I complained to Sehun, who was still sitting comfortably in the grass. As if he didn't care about my protest, he leaned back relaxed and supported himself on his forearms. »I thought you wanted to know what it was like to be free.«, he asked me defiantly while raising an eyebrow. The moon was mysteriously reflected in his dark eyes. Nervously I shifted my weight from one leg to the other.

»Yes.«, I admitted sheepishly. »but I certainly wasn't thinking about... _that_!«, I deliberately stressed the last word in a reproachful voice and almost shook my head in horror. The Jerk, however, continued to sit there unmoved while he took a strong tug from his joint. In the darkness I could clearly see the glowing end. For several minutes he had been trying to persuade me to do the same and had often offered me the forbidden Joint.

But the disgustingly sweet smell that emanated from it and my knowledge that drugs could make you addicted faster than you sometimes wanted to, kept me from doing so. I mean... he lost his mind, right? When I talked about freedom, I thought of everything, _but certainly not that!_ »You think too much, that's the problem.«, he commented calmly and took another tug. »Your stupid idea is the problem!«, I replied and ran my hand through my hair.

Standing for minutes including the discussion with the Jerk tired me slowly but surely, so I carefully let myself fall back into the wet grass. Sehun used this opportunity immediately to hold his almost completely smoked joint in front of my face. Wildly I waved my hands to drive away the unpleasant smoke that immediately rose into my nose and coughed theatrically. »Don't be a coward.«, he kept trying to convert me. 

His voice had taken on a seductively hoarse sound and vibrated deep in the silence of the night. This sound even made me think for a fleeting moment. _Should I really_? I alternately watched his hair shining in the moonlight and the embers of the joint. Determined, however, I turned my face in another direction. »No!«, I held fast to my decision. Out of the question! What was this brief hesitation on my part really? How stupid was I to even consider Sehun's proposal for just a split second?

I wanted to be free, of course, but not suddenly act like one of those crashing junkies and possibly end up in a withdrawal clinic after a few weeks - or worse in jail. Sehun next to me suddenly began to laugh out of the blue. It was the most melodic and beautiful sound I have ever heard in my eighteen years of life. For a short moment I was unable to react, could only listen to the sound of his laughter and was completely overwhelmed that Sehun, of all people, was able to do it, until I wondered what was so funny. 

Was I the reason? did that asshole laugh over me? »What's wrong?«, I asked in a slight rage. »Nothing.«, he didn't seem to calm down. »I just thought...« »What?«, I asked, as he made no effort to explain why he was laughing. Sehun held his stomach and took a few deep breaths. »I just thought...«, he started again, after he'd gotten a grip on himself. »I just thought how cute you are when you're so uptight!«

Once again he began to laugh out loud. I, in turn, did not find his statement at all funny. Nevertheless, I could not prevent my heart from starting to beat in a faster beat. »First of all, I'm not uptight.«, I snarled snappishly and was secretly more than grateful to the darkness, as it covered my red glow that lay on my cheek. »And secondly, what's so funny about that, huh?« »Of course you're uptight!«, he continued to tease me.

I imagined I recognized his smug grin on his face, which I would have loved to beat out of his face. Anger shot up inside me like glowing sparks shooting out of flames. I didn't want to let this insinuation rest on me without further ado, so I suddenly snatched his stupid joint from him in a rage - and completely imprudently - and took a strong tug of it myself. I had never smoked in my whole life before - never even thought about trying it!

No wonder the burning smoke in my lungs made me cough. Tears even gathered in my eyes, while for a few seconds I had the feeling of suffocating at any moment. This is what some people actually do voluntarily? it shoot through my head, voluntarily and gladly? And what had just come over me again? It took me a few breaths to get myself together. »Again.«, spurred me on by Sehun, who had silently observed my impetuous reaction. 

»Never!«, I should have fought back and thrown his damn joint in his face. However, completely different words came out of my mouth. »What happens then? Do I become dependent on it?«, I hesitated! »Bullshit. Certainly not from one.« Sehun explained. Uncertain, I looked at the embers of the rolled paper in my hands. »As with alcohol. A glass of wine doesn't make you an alcoholic, does it?« His words triggered something in me. I thought, for once, he was right. 

Should I really try it? After a short pause, I tightened my shoulders resolutely and dared another pull - but this time more cautiously. Nevertheless, I could not prevent the smoke from leaving my mouth again, accompanied by coughing noises. I myself was more than speechless because of my behaviour. If someone had told me on the first day of school, when I saw Sehun for the first time, that I was sitting in a meadow with him today and smoking weed, I think I would have laughed like Jisoo used to do. 

I would simply have thought it completely absurd and surreal. A bad joke. But now? Now I actually did it. I wonder if this was really a bad dream. Some delusion on my part? What if...? Even before I could finish my thought, my head suddenly felt strangely heavy, as if a heavy weight was pressing on it, while the rest of my body was in complete weightlessness - or so it seemed to me. I couldn't feel whether I was still holding the joint between my fingers or had already dropped it, nor did I know what I was thinking about. Or why Sehun had burst out into resounding laughter.

I just wanted to rest my head. I don't care where, as long as I was relieved of that burden. While I looked around, I suddenly felt warm. A foreign force gently guided my head in one direction and then bedded it on soft ground. Immediately my eyes closed with pleasure. It was wonderful to lie. It's wonderful to get free of that crushing weight. I breathed in noisily, perceiving Sehun's wonderfully pleasant scent, so that I buried my face further into the soft underground, which alternately rose and fell like a restless wave in the sea.

Mentally I went on a journey with this wave, let myself drift, while Sehun's smell was my faithful companion. I imagined that I was a kitten. A snow-white kitten with a black left front paw and bright green eyes, curled up on the lap of its master. I imagined how velvety sunrays received me and a soft breeze of wind played around my fur. I gave myself completely to the feather-light caresses of my master. 

I could clearly feel the fingertips, while on my real body a welcome goosebump spread over my arms. _Was it my imagination or was i really be caressed?_ I sighed comfortably and in the meantime I imagined the kitten purring. For a long time it was quiet between us. I only enjoyed the continuous touching, which sent a shiver down my spine every time. Everything seemed to be so peaceful and perfect all around and I wished nothing more than to be trapped in this moment forever. 

Suddenly, however, my wishful thinking changed like a backdrop in a theatre. The sun's rays stayed out and gave way to an icy, biting cold. The caressing, which I had enjoyed so much until just now, also stopped. I opened my eyes questioningly, needed a moment to realize when I realized where I was. But... _that was impossible_ , it shot through my head in panic, _absolutely impossible!_ Because I saw myself - like a mute observer from a distance. I saw myself standing in front of an open window and let my gaze wander longingly outside. 

I noticed the light blue curtains, carelessly pushed aside and dancing in the wind, my hand pushing a stray strand of my hair behind my ear heard my own sighing. This scene seemed familiar to me, so insanely familiar, as if it had only been yesterday - although I had so far vehemently refused to be reminded of any such scene. I was there again - in Los Angeles. And I found myself in my hotel room, which was on the fifth floor. 

I could only too well imagine what was going through my mind at that moment: Namely, jumping. Jumping and leaving my whole fucking life behind. But I also knew that I would be much too cowardly to actually put this terrible thought into action. It hurt me to see myself like that. It hurt so much, because immediately the same feelings as an unexpected avalanche overtook a skier. 

I wanted to go to him to tell him that better times were coming, for sure. That hope would return to guide him. That the desperation he felt at that moment did not last, not at all. However, my legs felt as if they were cast in concrete, so that I could not move a millimeter. I wanted to call out to draw attention to myself, but no sound found its way over my lips. My past self suddenly pushed himself off the windowsill and stepped towards the door, which he opened a crack wide and listened to the voices coming from the next room.

It was Mum and Dad, who - as so often - had a fierce fight with each other. My second self wanted to close the door again, when he suddenly stopped moving. Something made him sit up and take notice. »You don't know what it's like to lose your own child while you have to raise a strangers child.«, screams my mum's shrill voice. »You don't know what it's like to blame yourself every day!« The eyes of my other self widened as he slapped a hand on the mouth in horror to smother a cry. 

Even I, who had already witnessed this scene once, could hardly believe my mother's words. Far too crazy was the idea that it was true. Far too absurd was the thought that she was talking about me. »I understand you.«, I heard my father now. »But you are sick! Don't you understand that? He suffers every day because of you, Seohyun. Our son suffers.« »Don't call him _our_ son!« Mom snarled in between.

»Of course I do!« Dad now raised his voice as well to ward off any resistance. »He is our son!« »Daehyun was meant to be and will remain.« »Why can't you accept Baekhyun? Why can't you let bygones be bygones? After all these years, Seohyun.« Suddenly I heard something - a vase, presumably - burst into a thousand pieces. My doubles flinched. »Because that brat is not our child! He may be like a son to you Baekbeom, but we both know he's not!«

My mother's voice raged as my heart stopped beating, only to resume its beat twice as fast the next moment. Inside, my world collapsed like a house of cards in the wind, floor by floor. Was it true what my mother said? Was I not just imagining this? Was I not my parents son? »Seohyun.«, my father tried to soften the blow. I heard a sniffling sound until it got very quiet. The other me - and myself as well - stood frozen like a pillar of salt behind the open door. It seemed as if all life had disappeared from her eyes, her face. 

The skin of my double was chalky pale, his eyes glassy. With one hand he clasped the door handle tightly, while his thoughts seemed far, far away. I could only too well put myself in his emotional world, for I had already been through the whole thing once before. It was like a living hell on earth. As if all laws of physics, all scientific knowledge had become null and void. As if there was no God to protect you, but only hell, whose raging flames eagerly flickered around my body and threatened to burn me. 

As if the devil himself was gloatingly pointing his finger at me, while he threw a gloating grin at me. It was like a nightmare and at that moment I wished for nothing more than to finally wake up. »Because Daehyun is dead...«, my mother's husky voice suddenly broke the silence. »You've got to get over it.«, my dad pleaded in his voice. I could only too well imagine that he had grabbed Mum by the shoulders and was jiggling her hard. »I can't take this much longer. I can't take it anymore and Baekhyun certainly not any longer.« Dad's voice broke.

»What? What does that mean?« »Either.«, my father started after a moment of silence, sounding unusually matter-of-fact. »you either seek professional help or I will divorce you finally. Final!« »Are you crazy?!«, blurted it out of Mum. The sound of her scream vibrated in my toes, so loud and shrill. Baekboem was silent. »You can't do this! Divorce! Then what would we be? What would happen to our reputation?!« For a moment, excited footsteps could be heard. »I won't let you jeopardise that. I'd rather kill myself and _your_ son!«

My whole body felt at these words as if the ground under my feet was crumbling apart and an invisible hand was pulling me into a dark abyss. I fell and fell and fell, metre by metre, into a black, icy cold hole, while my mother's words echoed in my head over and over again, gradually pulling me into a whirlpool. »I'd rather kill myself and _your_ son! Myself and _your_ son! _Your_ son!« 

Panickedly, I tore open my eyes to see at least a vague outline, to see how far I was falling, to see if there was a way to cling on to me - no matter where, no matter how - when suddenly the unemotional look my mother gave me when I saw her standing with Sehun in the midst of the ruins of my home burned into my memory forever. Emotionless and cold, bloodshot brown eyes. I was scared to death - my heart stopped.

Bathed in sweat and trembling all over my body, I opened my eyes and blinked against the sun's rays until I got used to the glaring light of the sun. Gasping, I expelled my held breath while another wave of terror shook my body. It was a dream, I tried to calm myself and looked at my trembling palms. It was only a dream... But a frighteningly real one, I thought, for the shock was deep. The hateful words of my mother had left a bitter aftertaste on my tongue. Even now, when I was awake, I could see her frightening look in my mind's eye. 

I had known for weeks, since the day I overheard my parents' conversation more or less by chance, that my mother detested me. That she would never be able to accept me even a little bit. I had suspected this for years and yet it hurt. This certainty of having worked all these years in vain and trying to be someone I could never have replaced hurt more than a thousand knife wounds would have ever done. Her vile words made my heart convulsively close and split in half.

Trembling, I wiped the sweat from my brow. It wasn't the first time I dreamt of my holiday, but such an emotional and frighteningly real dream as this one had never haunted me before. Most of the time I could wake up afterwards and go about my usual everyday life without giving it any further thought, but now it was as if a hundred questions were rushing at me at once. If I was neither my mother's nor my father's son, whose child was I? Then why was I here and not somewhere else? Who was Daehyun and what happened? And what was I doing wrong that my mother could not accept me?

I didn't know and rolled over on my back while trying to find answers in the clear sky when I suddenly felt a resistance in my neck. I straightened up and discovered an arm underneath me. My gaze wandered on, uncomprehendingly squinting my eyebrows until I discovered a sleeping Sehun beside me. Peacefully he lay on his side, facing me, while he stretched out his right arm in my direction. His head lay on his upper arm, his hair dishevelled and his mouth slightly open.

Suddenly it was as if different pieces of the puzzle were put together in my memory. It clicked when I recalled the pieces of last night. For one thing, there was the jerk himself, who had been following me like an annoying appendage at every turn. Then there were the alleged burglars who turned out to be Mum. The shattered furniture and my escape. My eyes widened. Did that really happen? More and more details came to my mind. 

Sehun, who had followed me. Sehun, who had given me unconscious comfort and had not left me alone in my darkest moment. _Oh God, I had truly asked him if he showed me what true freedom meant?_ Stunned and utterly incredulous, I shook my head. _And then? What happened next?_ I looked around in all directions, hoping to remember one more detail. For a short moment I looked at the sleeping face of the idiot until I abruptly turned my head in the opposite direction. And there I discovered it.

The last remnants of the joint. _Damn it_ , I thought in horror and I wanted to scream out loud. But instead I stroked my face with both hands and tapped my temples a few times. How stupid was I to accept this Jerks suggestion? No wonder my dream was so lifelike when I was taking weed! Oh, God, that dream... Mum... Daehyun... I shuddered again. A sudden rustle coming from the forest only made me even more frightened. It was probably an animal, or just the wind, and yet I began to shake Sehun's shoulder.

I wanted to wake him up because I was suddenly terrified of being all alone. Alone with my memories. Alone with my past. I needed someone to take my mind off it all. Someone where time seemed to stand still. Someone to help me finally put an end to this horrible nightmare and everything that went with it. I needed Sehun in this moment as much as I had never needed anyone else before - even though I didn't like him. 

Tears came to my eyes when Sehun finally made a sound. He grumbled sleepily and tried to wipe my hand from his shoulder. I remained stubborn, however, until he finally gave up the fight and sluggishly opened first the left, then both eyes. But his confused look, veiled by sleep, from his deep, black eyes, was all I needed to calm me down and to reassure me that I could somehow manage to break out of this nightmare. As long as he was here, I could certainly succeed.

His look was the certainty I needed to understand that it was finally time to learn how to forget - and that I was no longer alone.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Now you know what happened in LA, I hope you liked the chapter.


	13. A touch of tenderness

»Come here...« Sehun purred half asleep and pulled me to him by the wrists. Completely taken by surprise with this situation I landed right in his embrace. I was so close to him that the tip of my nose touched his chest and his breathtaking scent completely enveloped my mind. His even, warm breath tickled my neck - and I felt hot and cold alternately. I involuntarily tense up, while Sehun strengthened his grip around me and it gradually began to chatter in my brain.

However, nothing else came to my mind but chopped off pieces of thoughts. _What...? What are you...? Why...? What...?_ I put my arms against him and tried to push myself away from him a bit.Sehun, however, reacted immediately and simply turned on his back with me in his arms so that I was pushed against him again. »Se-«, I started, but I had to clear my throat because my throat suddenly felt dry. »Sehunie?« »Hmm...«, his answer came with a buzzing sound.

I got the feeling that he had no idea what he was doing and just fell asleep again after I tried to wake him up in the moment of panic that was creeping over my nightmare. »Sehunie?«, I tried it again - and still completely stunned. If it hadn't been me, I'd have put my fist into his stomach. I mean, what was he even doing there? And why the hell did I let him get so close to me? That must have been the shock, no doubt the shock, I found and waited anxiously for Sehun's reaction, while I hardly dared to move.

But he did not answer anymore. »Hey, you idiot!«, I became louder as an unwelcome goosebump slowly but surely spread across my arms. God, why react my body like that? After all, it was not as if I liked the way Sehun touched me, was it? »Sehun.« »I hear you.«, he suddenly muttered, sounding quite annoyed. »Oh yeah? Then you can let go of me again.«, I complained and poked my fingers against his arm. »No.«, he refused like an offended child, though, and pressed me a little harder.

Surprised, I gasped for breath. Meanwhile Sehun buried his face in my neck. »You smell so good.«, he suddenly muttered seductively close to my ear, leaving a tingling sensation on my skin. Speechlessly my lips opened, but not a single sound escaped from them. At the same time, an icy cold shiver that was moving down my back made me shiver. What was suddenly wrong with me? And what on earth had gotten into that jerk? Was he still high? Whether he thought I was a pillow or something? 

I tried to lift my face to see if Sehun was awake or still asleep, when suddenly a constant, unpleasantly penetrating tickle on the back of my hand made me startle. Not a moment later a horrified scream escaped me as I discovered a thick and fat spider crawling comfortably over my hand. The idiot pushed me away so quickly and straightened up so that I fell off him and landed directly on the hard floor. »What...?«, he asked confusedly and drove himself sleepily over his face while he breathed in and out excitedly.

"Eww" and "Urgh" were the only syllables I was capable of. Almost hysterically I wiped the back of my hand and shook my arm in disgust. Spiders were so disgusting! »What are you doing there?«, the idiot came visibly amused after watching me for a while. »I?!«, I replied angrily, when I was sure that no spider was crawling on me anymore, while I gave him a poisonous look. »The question is rather: What are you doing?« Upset, I pointed my finger at him. »Why me?« He looked at me unsuspectingly.

Thereupon all facial features slipped my mind, because judging by the expression on Sehun's face, he probably didn't know what he had done in the past minutes, what he had done with me. »Forget it.«, I suddenly grumbled, because I thought it would be best to forget this - let's call it - terrible faux pas immediately and destroy all files and evidence. To underline my words, I shook my head and let my shoulders hang. The less he knew, the less I had to worry about that, right? And the sooner I forgot this accident, the sooner I could concentrate on other, far more important things.

Sehun raised an eyebrow inquiringly. »There was only a spider there.«, I finally evasively explained my hysterical attack from before and made a throwing away hand movement before I slowly straightened up. However, I couldn't prevent a tender blush from creeping up my cheeks when I had to think back on the terrible faux pas. I hoped so much that Sehun did not notice it. Why did it made me angry, why did I have to blush at all? And why did it suddenly bother me that he apparently no longer knew about this? It was not that it meant anything or that he embarrassed me!

_Pah_ , he disgusted me as much as spiders did, period. Wasn't he? After a quick glance at the idiot, which was supposed to prove my dislike of him, I finally turned away grumpy and started to rummage for my mobile phone in my trouser pocket, growling. Thereby I noticed that my clothes were quite badly damaged after this more than caroused through night, as my white shirt was now covered with green and brown stains thanks to the floor on which I had slept and in general I suddenly felt more than dirty.

I pushed the thoughts of the idiot now finally aside and ran through my hair, which didn't feel soft as usual but rather tousled and completely uncombed, and came to the conclusion that I urgently needed a shower and fresh clothes. And distance to Sehun! However - and this suddenly gave me a stomach ache - my Mother came back to my mind, who was probably still at home, so that it was out of question for me to walk there carefree and of course and just take a shower and change my clothes as if nothing had happened. No, in the near future I wanted to avoid this woman as much as possible!

It's bad enough when she follows me in my dreams. I shook my head to concentrate on the here and now and weighed up in my mind my possibilities of how I could get out of this misery as quickly as possible. Asking Sehun whether I could go with him to his place was also out of the question for me. That would have been too good, I thought cynically and dug my heels firmly into the earth below me. After all I needed distance and not even more closeness! No, I rather paid Jisoo a visit - although she probably didn't have any suitable clothes that would fit me, so I rejected this thought as well.

_But maybe Sooyoung could help me?_ She always had some of my clothes in her dresser. I didn't have the faintest idea what excuse I could give my friend so she wouldn't be suspicious - after all, no one but Sehun knew what had happened last night - but suddenly I couldn't stand it in my skin anymore, unshowered, with unbrushed teeth and my dirty clothes, so that I was forced to lie bone dry in my girlfriend's face if necessary, should a suitable white lie come to mind, which was not the fine way - and my conscience was already telling me - but what had to be, what had to be, right?

I gave myself an encouraging nod and finally brought my smartphone to the light of day. »Damn.«, I suddenly cursed to myself with a mumbling sound as I looked at the black screen. No matter how many times I pressed the on/off button - nothing happened! Why was it so clear that the battery died exactly when I needed it most? How should I call Sooyoung now? Sehun, who had completely awoken from his sleep by now, had picked himself up - just like me - and knocked the dried earth off his shirt.

»What's wrong?«, he asked me, while he paused for a moment and looked at me with an indefinable look out of his mysterious eyes. Confused, I returned this look and tried to ignore any creeping thoughts of the faux pas from before. »Hm?« with a short nod he pointed to my smartphone in my hands. »Oh.«, I understood now and let the mobile phone disappear again in my back trouser pocket. »The battery is empty. Can you tell me what time it is?« Sehun took a quick look at his watch while I restlessly shifted my weight from one leg to the other. »Shortly after four.«, he answered calmly.

»Four o'clock in the afternoon?!«, I suddenly screamed in horror. I mean, how long had we been asleep? »Of course in the afternoon.« the jerk mocked me with a one-sided grin on his face. »Or when do you think the sun will shine? At night?« In reply, I rolled my eyes. Very funny, you fucking smartass, I thought, and stomped my feet angrily. »What am I going to do now?«, I asked myself afterwards, however, more myself than him and sounded more than desperate. No wonder, because simply going to Sooyoung unannounced, I could now also forget.

A few days ago, she had told me during physical education lessons that she was no longer available from Saturday afternoon - that is, now - until Sunday evening inclusive, because she was travelling with her parents. To her grandparents, if I was not mistaken. Somehow everything and everyone seemed to let me down today - even more than it already had. Where should I go now? »What do you want to do?« Sehun took me out of my brooding and stood right in front of me. »I want to wear clothes first.«, I ignored the sudden closeness and drove desperately through my uncombed hair.

»Why? You have clothes on.«, I could hardly keep my eyes from rolling again. »Something clean!«, I pointed to my shirt. I even turned on my own axis once for demonstration purposes. Sehun followed every curve of my body with his eyes, and for far too long to be a coincidence, his gaze lingered on my chest, especially on my collarbone. I knew that he hadn't even noticed the spots and curled my lips angrily. Why did I have the feeling that he was really undressing me with his eyes? And why does he make me so nervous again? »Enough staring?«, I finally snapped at him to cover up my nervousness, whereupon the idiot immediately let his eyes wander back into my face and cleared his throat.

Sehun then raised his eyebrow sceptically and all the more confused, but said nothing more and followed me silently to my house. Probably he thought I was completely mad now, but what can I say? At that moment I did not care. Before Sehun, I didn't have to act the conscientious and decent doll like I did with all the others and besides, my plan put me into such a euphoria that I couldn't help but praise myself for my idea and really forget the faux pas with Sehun and the nightmare about my mother for now.

»You want to go up there?«, the idiot asked me critically and looked up to the first floor where the open one was the window of my room was open. Fortunately, no one seemed to have noticed that Sehun and I had carefully and as silently as possible walked through the security gate and then crept around the entire house. Although I often looked over my shoulder and couldn't shake off the feeling of being an intruder in my own house, I imagined I could hear my shower and my wardrobe full of clothes calling for me, so I skilfully ignored this fact and looked up to my window.

Moreover, the sense of security that Sehun's presence gave me was an equally important factor in reassuring myself. »Sure.«, I assured him therefore confidently and approached the light yellow painted wall of the house. Back when I was a little boy, I often climbed secretly out of my window - and back in again, of course - to reach the secret clearing and go on a shooting star hunt. That's how I knew roughly where to hold on tightly to lift myself up properly. This was supported by the rain gutter, which was installed directly next to the window.

After a short pause I finally nodded at Sehun, took a deep breath and grabbed the tinny, dark grey rain gutter with both arms. With a short but strong jump from my knees I pushed myself off the ground and lifted my entire weight with my arms. My feet found support at a notch in the wall. Suddenly, however, the gutter wobbled dangerously to and fro, so that I let go with my left hand and reached a little higher, while I slowly followed with my legs. Once again it wobbled and for a short moment I had the feeling that I would crash at any moment, as the thin sheet metal could no longer support my weight.

At that time I was probably much lighter, I admitted to myself with gritted teeth, while the muscles of my upper arms trembled. I lifted my head to check how much was still missing up to my window and sent a quick prayer to heaven. I hope that the rainwater gutter don't let me down now as well! Meanwhile Sehun hissed from below in a whisper. »If you fall, I won't catch you.« But I ignored this comment and concentrated fully on my climbing action. I pulled myself up another piece until I finally reached the ledge of the outer windowsill.

Like a circus artist, I finally balanced there and then hoisted myself up with my last ounce of strength and only very laboriously, so that I finally landed upside down and much too loud on the hard, cold room floor. »Ouch...«, I murmured, rubbed my head and turned on my back. I paused for a moment to give my muscles a short breather and listened to the sounds from below - not that my mother noticed me after all! Tense I held my breath.

But when I was sure that no one had heard me, I relaxed again, got up and looked out of the window at Sehun, who was standing there as if he was firmly rooted. »Are you waiting for better times? Or are you scared.«, I deliberately teased him and was secretly pleased by the sinister look with which he looked at me. I knew how mean it was, but I secretly hoped the gutter would be kind enough to give in to the weight of the fool and let him crash. Since he was much bigger and more muscular, I already assumed that he was and secretly laughed into my fist.

But Sehun suddenly took a run-up, jumped onto the wall and, faster than I could dodge, had reached my room safely. But he pushed me to the ground and landed on me with all his weight. All the air was pumped out of my lungs and for a moment I thought all the organs inside me had burst like a balloon. I gasped for breath. »That... hurt.« »You still have a lot to learn, Angel.«, growled the idiot with a spiteful grin on his lips after he had straightened up his upper body so that I could breathe more freely again.

He looked down on me in a roguish way. Completely taken aback by his closeness and his breath tickling my cheek, I stared at him and almost forgot to take a breath again, for I was immediately reminded of the terrible faux pas and could not prevent the heat from getting to my head. On the one hand, because it bothered me that I had to think about it now of all times and my body reacted against my mind, on the other hand, because I noticed how much I disliked hearing my hated nickname from his mouth - even more than I did with Jisoo.

»I’m not an angel!«, I breathed out, and not a moment later did I bite my lower lip. _Damn it, I wanted to sound angry - angry!_ Suddenly Sehun's facial features hardened again, while he didn't interrupt eye contact for a second or make any attempt to break away from me.

He just looked at me - looked straight at me.

And his look got under my skin, started a fire in me that I was hardly able to extinguish. I felt like I was drowning in his gaze. The black pupils of his incredibly dark eyes were dilated, as if he was in a frenzy, and in the irises, which were only a shade lighter.

His lashes cast fan-like shadows on the flawless white skin of his cheeks, on which a delicate red shimmer had crept. Baffled and horrified, I could no longer withstand his piercing gaze and turned my face away in shame. It annoyed me so much that his proximity made me weak. That I didn't have better control over my body's reactions. That he was so incredibly, incredibly handsome. »I know.« he whispered hoarsely and vibrated darkly. »An angel wouldn't drive me so crazy and take my last nerve.«

Astonished, I looked at him again and suddenly felt his hand gently pushing a strand of my hair back. My scalp was tingling under his touch, my lips opened in astonishment. I was no longer able to think clearly, I did not know what to say, whether I should say anything at all, for at that moment the air between us began to crackle threateningly. I should have pushed him off me, insulted him and thrown him out of the window, but his eyes and his words hypnotized me. I was paralysed and now I did not want him to let go of me.

That he now pulled out and let me alone. I wanted him to stay - here with me and so I clung to his shirt as if it were my lifeline on stormy seas. »You drive me crazy. Completely insane.«, he repeated as if in a trance and bowed his head in my direction. Only in passing I noticed that his warm breath brushed against my skin. That his gaze alternately fixed my eyes and my lips. I knew what was about to happen. Hoping that it would happen, while my mind was saying a complete goodbye and my eyes were slowly closing.

More and more intensely his beguiling scent rose into my nose, let me taste it and let my heartbeat shoot up until his lips touched mine with a gossamer-like delicacy. So delicate that I was not sure if this really happened or if I was just imagining it. It was like an electric shock. Like a storm raging in my stomach and making me tremble. My senses were suddenly limited to feeling. My heart could only race. Sehun gasped in surprise before his body pressed against mine more violently and his hand slipped from my temples to my cheek.

I knew now that he was about to kiss me properly, tenderly, perhaps intensely, and therefore eagerly lifted my face towards him. I wanted to taste the taste of his lips at all costs, I wanted to drown in his touch and more, so much more. But suddenly the door of my room was opened so quickly that Sehun fell from me with a jerk and I opened my eyes in shock. »Mon dieu!«, I heard our maid's stunned voice calling. I sat up straight as a candle and looked alarmed at the corpulent woman, who grabbed her breast in consternation. When she recognized me, she breathed a sigh of relief.

»What are you doing here?«, she asked me with a French accent and much too loud. »I-«, I started, but I stopped. My body was shaking like a leaf. Yes, what was I doing here anyway, I wondered in horror as my mind slowly began to work again. _What had just happened?!_ Stunned I looked at Sehun, who seemed no less shocked and almost screamed in horror. As I said, almost, because I immediately remembered my mother, so I shook myself only once and tried to sort out the bubbling thoughts in my head and to calm my excited heart.

»We... I...«, I swallowed and gasped for breath. »Is my mother here?", our housekeeper said yes. »Oui, she is downstairs in the drawing room. Shall I fetch her?« »No!«, I squeaked angrily, but remembered it better and continued calmly. »No, thank you, no need. Please don't tell her I'm here.«, I looked at her and begged. »As you wish.«, she assured me with a wink, as if she knew about my inner turmoil. »Would you like something to eat?«, a shake of my head was my answer. My stomach was fluttering too much to think about food now!

»We won't stay long.« Sehun now interfered himself. His hoarse voice made me shiver, because it sounded like a dangerous threat and a promising promise at the same time. The maid said goodbye with a polite curtsey, closed the door quietly behind her and left me alone with the fool again. Immediately the heat shot me in the face, as I suddenly became all too aware of his closeness again. Because his smell tried to befog me again. Because I did not want to believe what just happened, I could not understand.

I mean, why did he say I drive him crazy if he didn't try to kiss me a breath later? If I was so annoying, what was he even doing here anymore? And what about me? Suddenly I had to swallow a thick lump in my throat. I avoided looking at it and rose clumsily and with soft knees. »I'm hurrying.«, I said monotonously, after clearing my throat embarrassedly. »Don't touch anything here!« Afterwards I disappeared into the adjoining bathroom. I could still hear the idiot calling after me, but I couldn't understand what it was exactly.

Trembling, I leaned against the sink while staring at my reflection. My hair looked as if I had made the acquaintance of an electrical outlet, my cheeks were glowing and my mouth was wide open while my eyes were shining feverishly. I almost mechanically touched my lower lip, which was still tingling even now, and called Sehun's touch to my memory. How tender he was. Why did my body reacted so intensely at him? What was he doing to me?

Oh God, if this nothingness of a kiss was better than anything else... what would a real kiss have been like? Damn it, why did we have to get interrupted then, exactly? My pleasant sighing made me pause in my movement. _Shit,_ I suddenly thought. _Shit, shit, shit... What the hell was I thinking? I fucking have a Girlfriend!_ The very idea of kissing someone else was not appropriate - not at all! I should be ashamed of myself! _But somehow..._

Somehow I couldn't keep Sehun out of my head. Much too clearly I could still feel his lips on mine, felt his muscular body nestling against mine, his tender fingers lingering on my cheek, perceived his intoxicating smell that stuck to me and could no longer suppress my redness. Damn it, what had happened there? _And what should I do now?_

What the hell am I supposed to do now?!

I asked myself this question over and over again while I was in the shower and hot water was constantly splashing on my body. And again and again and again, I leaned my heated face against the cool tiles and spasmodically closed my eyes. I had three options to choose from. First: I throw Sehun out the window and ban him from my life for all eternity. Second: confront him or third: to pretend that nothing happened and continue to focus on the freedom thing.

First option was already out, I decided. Because without seeing, I could no longer experience freedom. Okay, maybe basically yes, but I didn't know if I was been able to do it alone and why should I be so small-minded? Besides, an unknown feeling in me was resisting it with a fist. But I did not want to go into this more closely.

The second option was an impossibility for me. I mean... what was I supposed to say? I could barely walk up to him and say: »Hey, were you gonna kiss me or what?« No, it was too embarrassing. After all, to be honest, I had a hand in it, too, because wasn't I the one who wanted to be kissed? Wasn't I the one who hadn't pushed him away? Could I even blame him for that?

The third option was finally the one I chose when I got out of the shower dripping. Pretending nothing happened was the best thing for everyone involved, I thought. After all, nothing had really happened, had it? You couldn't have said anything about a kiss, could you? And besides: the sooner I forgot this, the sooner I could concentrate on my own personal freedom. _Wasn't that what I wanted most?_


	14. Between mind and feeling

So I had decided: to sweep the almost kiss with Sehun under the carpet once and for all and concentrate on my freedom. A good plan in itself, I thought, wouldn't it have had a huge catch - and that was the idiot himself. Well, I knew that I would never have brought it up the thing with a single word again, but now I was faced with the next dilemma when I looked at myself in the bathroom mirror, freshly showered and dressed.

With which expression should I face him now? The 'serious' one? My gaze darkened as my mouth took on a straight, dogged line and my eyebrows narrowed. However, I found myself shaking my head not a moment later. It looks like I was pissed off about something. Admittedly, to some extent I was too, whereby my resentment was directed more at myself than at him, but Sehun would certainly have spoken to me about it. 

So much for 'what's going on now' or something like that, at least I would have received a questioning look from him and would have had to look for excuses not to steer the conversation in a direction I wanted to avoid at all costs. No, no, serious is bad! I let the corners of my mouth shoot up so that my teeth sparkled out. At the same time, my eyes became round as my eyebrows rose, revealing small wrinkles on my forehead.

Maybe 'the happy one' was a more suitable variant? For a silent moment I looked at my reflection in the mirror and realized that I was in no way inferior to Nicolas Cage's 'You don't say'-Meme, until I couldn't stand it any longer and burst out laughing like a psycho. All that was missing was white powder on my cheeks, bright red lipstick on and around my lips and two vertical black lines through my eyelids and I made dangerous competition for the most psychopathic psycho clown of all time! 

I already saw myself standing in front of a huge circus tent with self-made animal figure balloons. »Hear, hear, look! Just today and only for you, sweet and cute balloon puppies - muahaha! Come on over and get one!« - I was sure I would have shocked and traumatized every child and adult within a radius of ten kilometers. God, if Sehun ever saw this face, he would definitely declare me insane!

If he didn't already do that - I wouldn't be surprised. I mean, first the number with the Tabasco, then my mum and last but not least the thing with the window-climbing? I was lucky that he didn't have hospitalized me behind my back yet. After I had recovered from my delusion - and blamed it on Sehun'a stupid joint afterwards - I put on the most indifferent face I could think of, neither cheerful nor serious with a touch of boredom, and found this neutral expression the best. 

So in the end I more or less gave him the cold shoulder, which was my real goal without looking crazy or scary - or both at the same time - or raising unpleasant questions, right? I nodded contentedly at my reflection to encourage myself, if that was at all possible, tightened my shoulders and breathed noisily. Before I left the bathroom, I put a new toothbrush and a fresh towel on the shelf above the chest of drawers for the idiot, as I assumed that he also wanted to freshen up a little and hoped that this would keep us separated at least spatially for a little longer.

Outwardly, I had prepared myself for it in the best possible way, but the storm that raged inside me when I entered my room accompanied by a steaming cloud of mist made me sway dangerously. I did not know what I had expected, whether I was expecting anything at all, but the image I saw when I saw Sehun standing in front of my bed caused countless butterflies to flutter around unrestrained in my stomach. 

With his back turned to me, he stood casually in front of my bed, next to the small bedside table, radiating a calm and at the same time sensuality that made my speech disappear and my heart beat faster. He had buried one hand in his trouser pocket, while with the other he held up a picture frame showing a photo of Jisoo and me almost a year ago and silently inspected it. His black hair fell down to the back of his neck, on whose hollow between shoulder and neck a sickle-shaped tattoo was visible. 

How I would have loved to stroke my fingers over it. what was I even thinking? Annoyed by my thoughts and this treacherous fluttering in my stomach I cleared my throat and swallowed a thick lump in my throat. Freedom, concentrate on the freedom, I admonished myself as Sehun put the photo frame back in its original place and turned to me. Much too quickly my courage left me again and I let my head hang down to look extensively at my tiptoes, as I was suddenly insanely afraid to meet the gaze of the idiot. 

I didn't know how I would have reacted if he had looked at me with the same tender eyes as before, or ice-coldly, as usual - and I didn't know which of the two things would have been worse for me. What if my body had been on fire again? Or what if his indifferent look had hurt me? No, I did not want to feel either. In general I did not want to feel anything at all towards him, but unfortunately that was easier said than done.

»You...«, I began, when I found a uncomfortable silence between us and I was afraid that Sehun could hear my wild beating heart. »You can take a shower now, if you want.« His mumbled „Mhm“ in reply made me sit up and take notice, because it sounded almost as if he wasn't present at all. Carefully, I therefore risked a glance through my curved eyelashes to him and made a restless step backwards in the next moment. 

Sehun looked at me, lovingly and tenderly as before and yet he seemed to look straight through me. His sight confused me so much that for a fleeting moment I could not get a clear thought. »A... a toothbrush and a towel is lying on the dresser.«, I tried again - not at least to steer my thoughts in another direction - and noticed that his gaze suddenly cleared and focused on my face again. Instantly the heat shot into my face. Why couldn't I get his lips out of my fucking head?

»Thank you. But...« »But what?« Oh, God, did I really want to hear that but? No, I wanted him to come over to me and kiss me senselessly. Damn. Sehun, however, shook his head. »Nothing. There's the bathroom?« He nodded his head and pointed to the door. I just nodded. Sehun walked past me and fleetingly grazed my arm with his, on which a tingling goose skin was immediately noticeable. 

I almost stopped him from going on. But I suppressed this impulse and looked at him in confusion. Shortly before he closed the door behind him, I shouted something after him, because I suddenly couldn't get rid of the oppressive feeling that something was wrong. It was almost as if an invisible, heavy beam had come between us to tear apart our short connection. Or was I myself just so torn because I didn't want to want him - at least physically?

»You still help me with my freedom, right?«, I asked hopefully, whereupon he threw me a sweet smile. »Only if you don't tell your girlfriend.«, with a quiet click he finally let the door drop into the lock and left me completely confused. Shit, I thought stunned. For a while I looked at the wood of the door before I turned away and shuffled frustratedly to my bed, on which I immediately let myself fall powerless and completely exhausted. Everywhere in the room hung Sehun's wonderful scent, so that I closed my eyes in agony. 

I wonder if anything has changed between us. I just couldn't shake the feeling that Sehun had something planned for me that my girlfriend might not like at all - and I certainly didn't either. Why else would he have brought up Jisoo? Damn, I hope that whatever it was, it had nothing to do with Sehun's seductive lips. Because as much as I would have liked to continue to deny it, I suddenly became painfully aware that at least my body was attracted to this idiot in a way that my mind just wouldn't understand. 

Even though he had been a Jerk since the day I first saw him! I didn't understood myself anymore and sighed heavily. With outstretched arms I reached for the photo that Sehun had studied so intensively before. My fingertips gently traced the contours of my chaotic girlfriend, who grinned broadly and with outstretched fingers peered into the camera to make a victory sign, while I put an arm around her shoulder. 

Why couldn't I just react to Jisoo the same way I did to Sehun? After all, Jisoo was at least as cute on the surface. She also had a loving, crazy character that had made me laugh so often - and by that I mean an honest laugh. At least that's what it was like at first, when we were 'just' friends. Every time we met - whether at school or outside - it was usually a carefree time for me, far away from my otherwise overwhelming world of thoughts. For a long time it was like an anchor, my very personal pillar on which I could always rely when my desperation tried to catch up with me. 

I think Jisoo always sensed that there was a part of me that carried a heavy burden, but she had never questioned me with curious questions about it, but had simply freed me from my lethargy every time with her understanding and the carefree nature she had. Of course, there were certain situations now and then in which she could not have been more tactless, but I was sure that she had never intentionally and wantonly meant to be malicious. The time we spent together welded us together. Even though we never talked about deeper things, such as her or my past. 

At some point, I couldn't remember the exact date, I accidentally picked up a rumor that said that Jisoo and I would be the dream couple of the entire school. At first I was too shocked to react, but when I asked her a few days later, she just said that she had already heard the same thing. The embarrassment that she radiated and her scratching of her nose, which I had always found quite cute about her, made me throw a completely ill-considered suggestion into the room. I asked her if we shouldn't actually try it as a couple. 

Jisoo's reaction to that came as suddenly as my suggestion - because she suddenly grabbed my neck, pulled me towards her and pressed her lips stormily onto mine. I didn't kiss her back, I wouldn't have been able to, because after a few seconds she let go of me, breathing heavily, pressed her forehead against mine and looked at me with a tender look. »I have waited so long for this moment.«, she had whispered to me before she closed her arms around my waist and pulled me into a warm embrace.

Jisoo was my girlfriend from then on. I never regretted it, at least not until that fateful holiday that made me rethink my whole life. From then on, I admitted to myself that I didn't love Jisoo as she deserved. That I could never give her what she wanted or needed. But I was too selfish to tell her the truth. Selfish because I didn't want to be the one to do the breaking up part. And I was a coward, too. 

Because even though I didn't love her in that special way that you love your partner, I still loved her as a friend and wouldn't have had the heart to hurt her like that. I knew that after that nothing would remain, nothing would be the same as it had been between us before. With Jisoo I would have lost an important part of myself and I had never been ready for that. Maybe later, I tried to tell myself over and over again. Later on, when we all go our own ways, it would have been for sure. T

he only problem was that I had been putting off this 'later' for weeks and now, at the last, with the almost kiss and Sehun himself, I should have realized that there was simply no time left to talk myself out of this 'later' and to rely on it even longer. However, I now tried to make excuses, that Sehun was no reason to hurt Jisoo. After all, I doesn't love Sehun either! Good that there was a certain physical attraction between the two of us that I had never felt before with any other human being, I tried no longer to deny it, but I just didn't believe that it meant anything. 

Rather, I told myself that these were some temporary behavioural problems on my part, because somewhere I needed an outlet for so much pent-up hatred and frustration with my own life, didn't I? And maybe that outlet just happened to be called Oh Sehun? Even if that was the case, what did it mean for me? That I should pounce on him and do things with him that I didn't dare to imagine in my wildest dreams?

Certainly not!

According to this, I would have been nothing more than a nasty cheater. Someone who cheated on his girlfriend, right? No, I couldn't do that to Jisoo and also myself. I knew that I could never get my conscience straightened out again, there was nothing worse than cheating. It would eat me up, like the thing with my mother. Even if I had wanted to, and damn it, everything in my body longed for Sehun, I was simply too weak for that. Weak in the sense of being exhausted with my power. I couldn't stand more lies and false pretenses.

I suddenly heard the splashing of water coming out of the bath room, which caused me to put my thoughts aside for the time being and to stand up again. I grabbed my rucksack, which was leaning against the foot end of my bed, and tore open the zipper of my backpack, before I distributed the contents - my school supplies - across the floor. Afterwards I scurried from one corner of my room to the other, took out underwear, T-shirts and other stuff that I would certainly still need, and packed everything untidy into my backpack. 

I put the photo that showed Jisoo and me back on my bedside table with the picture tilted down and opened a drawer from which I took a hand cream and sunglasses. I put the cream in my backpack and the sunglasses found room on my head in my hair. Afterwards I took a last look at the hands of the clock, which told me that it was already a little after six o'clock in the evening, before Sehun unlocked the bathroom door and appeared with damp hair in the door sill.

I tried under all circumstances to suppress or at least ignore the tingling in my stomach, shouldered my rucksack and approached the open window. After all, there was no time, because my freedom was only a stone's throw away. Well, at least I hoped so. »Can we?«, I asked casually, without turning to him. Suddenly I couldn't wait to get away from my hated home, and to get Sehun and me away from each other again - as far as this was possible at least, after all we would spend the next few hours together. 

I simply ignored this fact and did not even wait for Sehun's answer, but climbed out the same way I came in. With quiet soles, I finally landed on the freshly mowed lawn and took a few steps to the side so that Sehun could do the same. But when we tried to sneak around the corner of my house, a nasty surprise was waiting for us at the other end, in front of the security gate, so that my heart almost sank in my knees. 

A horde of reporters with cameras, dictation machines and lots of cigarettes had gathered and seemed to be waiting for someone to leave or enter the house. Apparently they had gotten wind that Mum was back on land and were now eager to get a snapshot of her or her 'happy family'. I quickly pulled Sehun back by his sleeve as he ran one step in front of me and I didn't want us to be spotted. I can't imagine what would have happened if this had been the case!

»Shit.«, I whispered to him before I let go of his sleeve, like I was burned. »What are we gonna do?« Nervously, I chewed on my lower lip. Unfortunately, and this pissed me off, there was no other way out of here that led to the road. Jumping over the fence in the back did not help, as I knew the next estate was right next to it. It would have taken too long to dig a tunnel or to wait until the reporters left. But what other options were left for us? Feverishly I began to think.

»At three we'll run.« Sehun said, who understood immediately and grabbed my hand apparently unconcernedly. He shouted »THREE!« far too quickly and simply dragged me along with him, so that I didn't have the chance to throw insults and threats of any kind at him. While walking, I put my sunglasses on my nose to at least avoid the unpleasant flashes of the cameras that rolled over us as soon as we took the first step through the gate. 

Sehun increased the pressure of his hand with which he closed mine while we were running and running. The wind blew through my hair, touching my heated cheeks in a cooling way and carried my worries away - at least that's how it felt to me. It was as if I broke the bonds that had surrounded me my whole life as we rushed past the reporters and left the house behind us metre by metre, and as if the heavy part of me that had been weighing on my shoulders for so long had loosened a little bit. 

I had waited so long for this and only this one, small moment at Sehun's side was enough to make this wish come true. Damn, it was just too good to be true. I could not help but scream. Screaming with joy, screaming with happiness and gradually forgot my thoughts that I had earlier. Forgot everything that had to do with my mother. Left all fears behind me. Fuck it what was right and what was wrong. Fuck it, if I make mistakes! 

Because if that was the feeling of freedom, I wouldn't trade it for any more money in the world! If that was really the beginning of the fulfillment of my wishes, then I was already now wishlessly happy. At that moment I had the feeling that no matter what else might come, even if it had something to do with Sehun, as long as he was only with me, freedom was within reach. And I would do never ever let go of his damn hand again.


	15. Tempting sin

Breathing heavily, Sehun and I stopped our spontaneous marathon when we were sure we had finally successfully shaken off the pushy reporters who had been on our heels with flashing cameras for a while. On the way, my cry of joy had turned into a light-hearted, liberating laughter coming from the depths of my heart, where even minutes after we had disappeared panting and sweating in a deserted side alley and come to a halt, I had my problems with getting myself under control again and restraining and calming down.

Too many thoughts came to me at the same time and yet I could not have said that I found them annoying or even undesirable. For in view of the completely eccentric situation in which I now found myself, this would have been only the most logical consequence. But I felt neither the shame nor the fear that was otherwise all too familiar to me. 

I couldn't even detect the slightest hint of remorse or regret in me, even though I had given the journalists a show that under normal circumstances would have made my hair stand on end and given my stomach an whiplash. But this unbelievably intense wave of relief that this incredibly brief moment of happiness gave me, when we walked and I never gave a thought to a morning, intoxicated me to immeasurable levels and nipped all the negative feelings in me in the bud.

Even in my few beautiful memories of my messed up childhood, I was sure that I had never felt such a wonderful sensation as I did at that moment. In my side there was a penetrating pain because of the lack of air and my laughter at the same time, but even this did not manage to get me out of my exuberant euphoria. »Unbelievable...«, I gasped in surprise and looked at Sehun beside me with sincere thanks in my eyes.

I didn't know if he understood what I was thanking him for exactly, namely that he gave me the chance to experience this feeling of perfect happiness at least this one time in my life, or that he even interpreted my gaze as thanks, but he smiled in agreement with me and I could have sworn that I saw the mischief in his eyes flashing for a short moment.

However, it disappeared as quickly as it had come, before Sehun finally let go of my hand and interrupted the eye contact to me again. He looked around to get an overview. I, on the other hand, could hardly suppress this mild touch of disappointment that crept in and came over me when Sehun let go of me. I would have loved best to grab his damn hand again and weld it with my own for all eternity.

Fortunately, I was able to stop myself in time and let my arm, which I stretched out for him, sink again just before I reached him. After all, I did not want to give him any stupid ideas and neither did I want to give myself any. Sehun was only a means to an end, I tried to convince myself consistently and ignored this unwelcome desire for him within me. I grumbled sullenly.

After my breathing had become halfway normal again, I finally addressed the word to him again, in order to change my mind - and to suppress this embarrassing silence between us. »And now?«, I asked him waiting. Sehun then stared at me furtively from the side. »Are you cold?«, he asked me a counter-question that was completely taken out of context for me, whereupon I could only scrunch up my eyebrows without understanding.

»Huh? No, why?«, I wanted to know right away. I mean, what does that have to do with my question? He didn't answer me, however, but instead pushed himself off the wall, so that a piece of the already damaged facade crumbled off and crumbled to dust as he walked leisurely down the narrow alley. Confused and partly totally overstrained, I looked at his back, but did not move myself.

Halfway along the way Sehun stopped and looked over his shoulder with a spiteful sparkle in his eyes and said: »Are you coming or are you waiting for better times? Are you scared?« I almost choked. I mean, did he actually dare to annoy me with my own biting comment that I had told him earlier at my window? Insolence! _But well_ , I thought to myself after a sudden flash of inspiration. Now I set myself in motion as well. 

What he could do, I could do for a long time, right? »What are you thinking? Me, scared? Tze.«, I joked emphatically snappishly as I slowly caught up with him. »I think you still have a lot to learn, _princess_.«, I added with a mischievous wink and gave the jerk an additional slap on the arm as I finally walked past him. It was difficult for me to resist another laughing fit. Well, that was a one to zero for me, I thought gloatingly and could not prevent a mischievous grin from creeping up on my lips.

Sehun let out a annoyed sound which I then heard behind me, sounded like a victory song in my ears and gave me a triumphant feeling. I didn't know exactly why, but I just loved to annoy Sehun and maybe even drive him crazy. At the end of the alley, which was connected to a busy main street, I stopped again to wait for the aforementioned idiot. 

Alternating cars, motorbikes and bicycles shot past us or waited until the traffic lights changed colour again, while pedestrians crossed the streets in droves. In the meantime it had begun to dawn, so that the street lamps bathed the asphalt in a cold, pale light. On some roofs of the surrounding buildings, flashing illuminated billboards in bright color shades also flashed - almost as if they wanted to attract the attention of all the inhabitants and thus promote their products and services in the best possible way. 

This overstimulation, together with the noise of the engines and the people talking, suddenly seemed to me like an organized, terribly hectic chaos and now at the latest my already very limited sense of orientation had finally vanished into thin air. I felt like a lost puppy, while I rushed around looking around to all sides. Sehun, who stood next to me after he had caught up with me again and seemed strangely level-headed in the process now also looked at this orderly disorder before us. 

He didn't seem to mind at all, though, but unerringly took the path to our right. »Where are you going?«, I could no longer hide my curiosity as I obediently followed him. I mean, did I have any other choice? After all, I didn't know what he was planning, where he was taking me, let alone where the heck we were. »You'll see.«, he answered me briefly, so that it was all the more difficult for me to suppress an emerging restlessness and nervousness in me.

On the one hand, I could hardly contain myself in anticipation, for I knew that something would soon happen to me that would bring me back that elation of freedom that I had already experienced earlier. Well well, I didn't know for sure that this hoped-for feeling would come true, but I was pretty sure that Sehun would do something grandiose - or even totally stupid? - had planned with me and accordingly I couldn't get it fast enough until I was finally allowed to know. 

But on the other hand, this very uncertainty and Sehun's vague answer drove me crazy, which is why I would have loved to turn back. I mean, what if it was something completely insane, like the joint last night? I wouldn't put it past him. This restlessness caused me to bite my left thumbnail hastily. Over and over again I thought up theories - from absurd nonsense to banal trivialities - and would have been more than grateful for at least a tiny hint from Sehun.

After what felt like an eternity, in which we kept turning, going straight, turning and going straight again, we finally stopped - and finally! - in front of a driveway that led to a very well-kept, very pompous looking street, in which several nice, huge villas were lined up. My eyes became as big as a plate. Sure, I was already used to this luxury by my parents and the house we lived in was also far above average, but these villas, or rather these feudal buildings, topped everything I knew and put the proverbial icing on the cake, so that my own home suddenly seemed to me to be spartan and far minimalist. 

I could hardly get out of my amazement. »Don't tell me you're lost.«, after I had recovered from the initial shock, although I meant it rather rhetorically, because I for my part could not find any other plausible explanation for it. After all, neither he nor I fitted into this far more pompous environment - especially given the situation that brought us here, didn't we? Sehun next to me laughed. »No, don't worry, I didn't.«, he assured me. He was much too relaxed for my taste, before he continued his way unmoved and walked along the street with a motionless face.

»Wait a minute.«, I hissed in a whisper, because I didn't want us to be noticed and discovered. Strangely enough, I felt an unknown oppressive feeling in the pit of my stomach, as if my mind was stopping me from ever going anywhere near such a colossal and infinitely awe-inspiring environment. I was reluctant to admit it, but I was so intimidated by the enormous authority and grandeur that this street radiated.

»Wait now.« I whispered again, as the idiot had skillfully ignored my objection and continued his way without a care in the world. »What exactly are we doing here?«, I emphasized each word one by one to make him aware of this crazy idea on his part. After all, he had to know that we were both more than out of place here and that we had lost absolutely nothing - absolutely nothing -, hadn't we? 

»Since you're not cold - and I'm not either...«, he finally enlightened me when we arrived at the rearmost villa of the street, which was most hidden by the incoming darkness. »...I thought we could swim a little.«, I couldn't believe how matter-of-fact and dry he sounded. »And where are you going to swim here?«, I uncomprehendingly followed up, noticing that he was turning in all directions. Slowly but surely I began to doubt his mental well-being.

»How about right here?« with a movement of his head, he pointed to the swimming pool, which was clearly visible behind the fence of the giant mansion. Now I was pretty sure there was something wrong with his head. _How did he get such stupid ideas over and over again?_ »Are you crazy?«, I threw at him immediately and would have loved to grab his shoulders and shake him until he came to his senses. But the idiot raised an uncomprehending eyebrow.

»What's the big deal?«, he asked innocently and shrugged his shoulders, completely bored and unimpressed, and approached the gate of the fence, which strangely enough was not locked. I watched in amazement as he slowly opened this gate and took a leisurely step into the property. »What's the big deal?« I repeated angrily, while not moving from the spot and raising my voice a little. »Breaking in - that's the big deal!« »We're not breaking in.« Sehun flippantly refuted my argument. 

»We're just going swim.« Why did that idiot want to break into the property to swim in the fucking pool? »You see, you are scared after all.« he teased, while a confident smile lay on his lips. I, however, snorted contemptuously. »So what.«, I admitted angrily. »What has this got to do with freedom anyway, huh? Why is it always something illegal?« And why did I expect it.

»Otherwise it's no fun.«, he purred. »As if legal things can't be fun.« Sehun then looked at me with such an amused and at the same time skeptical look that I held my breath for a moment and for an incredibly short moment - or rather a minimal fragment of a moment - came to the conclusion that legal things can be fun, but that the thrill of the forbidden was completely missing. But I would certainly never ever agree with him! 

In fact I denied this point of view immediately. »I don't want to be chased by the police because of you. And I'm thinking to myself, this would have nothing to do with fun anymore.« »Then just stop thinking.« Sehun suddenly muttered close to my ear before he grabbed me by the waist and threw me over his shoulder with a tug. 

I hardly got the chance to struggle, kicking and squirming, because before I knew what was happening to me, he suddenly overcame the last meters and let me fall without warning into the cold, chlorinated water of the pool - together with my clothes, which I was wearing, as well as my backpack, which was packed with all kinds of useful stuff.

At the very first moment, I didn't notice anything.

In the second, however, the icy cold water suddenly felt like a thousand pinpricks on my skin at the same time, while all the air left my lungs and floated to the surface in the form of countless tiny bubbles. To make matters worse, the chemicals that were added to the water burned like corrosive acid in my eyes, which had widened in shock because of this totally unexpected attack, so that I now squeezed them together painfully. 

With uncoordinated arm and leg movements I finally tried to emerge again. I deeply inhaled the air in my lungs after I pushed through the water surface and was simultaneously shaken by a coughing attack because I had swallowed too much water in my panic. My soaking wet hair stuck to my forehead and neck, so I drove once across my face and finally opened my eyes again.

And that's when I saw him: the biggest, stupidest jerk in the whole universe, standing apparently amused and gloating at the edge of the swimming pool, looking at me with a mean and sneaky grin. I gritted my teeth violently to stifle an impending, cry of rage. I don’t want to imagine what would happen if anyone would heard me! Trembling, I finally swam to the edge of the pool, where I immediately held on to Sehun in front of me with a rigid, poisonous look. At that moment I wished for nothing more than that looks could kill.

»Are you out of your fucking mind?! Why did you do that, you bum?«, I lifted myself up a little bit with my anger so that the water sloshed over the edge of the pool and splashed softly. Sehun laughed in front of me. Damn it, he dared to laugh at me! ARGH! What a lousy, pompous... I paddled with my arms as if I had gone wild, splashing a torrent of water at him as I secretly threw every conceivable insult and curse at his head.

But the stupid man had nothing better to do than to give me nothing, nothing to avoid my attack. Damn, what kind of reflexes did he have? »You're an ass, did anyone ever tell you that?« I grumbled and tried again to splash him with the ice-cold water. »Hey, what can I do when you're so uptight?«, he laughed spitefully and skillfully stepped aside. I was seething dangerously inside. »Stop grinning like a fool and help me out of the pool again would be a start.«, I said loosely on the outside and stretched out both arms to him like a little child. And Sehun actually fell into my trap.

From then on, everything happened really fast. I knew I only had this one try to return the favor and so I pushed my legs as hard as I could against the pool while this idiot grabbed my hands. But before he could pull me out of the water, I myself gathered all my strength and pulled the idiot towards me with a jerk, so that he finally fell headfirst into the water an arm's length behind me. It was really too good to be true.

His face, when he appeared and shook the water drops a touch too elegantly from his hair, was pure satisfaction for me and this time I was the one who showed a sneaky grin while I held out my tongue to him full of malicious joy. »Well, Princess.« I couldn't help calling him. »How do you like that?« Sehun growled threateningly, which did not disturb my amusement in the least. My lips trembled. »Don't look at me like that now.«, I giggled after Sehun looked at me unchanged, but wrapped himself in an iron silence. 

»You know what?«, he suddenly asked me, after he seemed to have freed himself from his rigidity and swam gently in my direction. He grinned at me so menacingly and sinisterly that my own laughter got stuck in my throat and my eyes widened in surprise. I sensed that something bad was about to happen. But before I could ask him what I was supposed to know, the idiot suddenly grabbed me by my shoulders and pushed me under water with all his weight. 

Of course I tried to resist, to free myself from his weight and get back to the surface, but his hand just wouldn't shake off my shoulders, no matter how hard I tried. A kick against his shin immediately failed to have the desired effect, because under water my body was far less flexible and my movements looked very spongy. In my unimaginativeness, which mixed with a lot of anger, I finally wanted to bite his arm, but completely abruptly he pulled me into the air again, so that I had to gasp in shock. 

I ignored his sneering look and that damned, very special, malicious sound from his throat, but not a moment later I stormed at him like a fury and tried to submerge Sehun. I didn't want to let this behaviour sit on me and damn it, I didn't want to give him this triumph under any circumstances! For a short time I felt like Superman, while I banged the idiot's chest with an elegant jump and then pushed his head under water and Sehun himself helplessly rowed with his arms. 

I literally laughed my head off and never gave a thought to the fact that Sehun had made me a burglar and that the two of us were now completely unauthorized in a swimming pool on someone else's property. It was just too much fun to be here with him and to annoy him than to worry about it. It did far too good to forget everything but him for that moment. After a few seconds Sehun finally got hold of my arms, so that I inevitably loosened my grip around his skull so that he could emerge again and catch his breath. 

Amused, I gleamed at him. Even in his eyes I could see neither anger nor rage. It was as if, at least this one time, we both agreed that we both had the same carefree feelings. As if nothing counted but having fun, being free and enjoying life to the fullest. It was as if we had tacitly agreed that this one time we both emerged victorious from our teasing and strangely enough, I no longer minded leaving a little bit of the triumph to him. 

I was far too grateful to him, so much so that no word in the world was enough to make it comprehensible and far too stirred up by his presence and his eyes, which looked at me with an unbelievable intensity. Like scorched coals, dark, hot, eager. Our breath echoed through the evening air in an intermittent and almost synchronous manner as we silently watched each other. My laughter had faded away long ago, the water splashed in a steady rhythm, while fine drops were bubbling from the tips of his dark hair. 

I licked my lips as a lonely stray drop rolled down his temple, his cheek, all the way to his prominent chin. Oh God, I didn't know what was suddenly happening to me, but I just couldn't help but trace that line with my finger, gently touching his unexpectedly soft skin, perceiving his surprised moans. It was as if I just had to do it. As if no power on earth could have stopped me. And with a single movement Sehun suddenly pulled me towards him.

Every inch of my body was overly aware of its closeness, despite the cold water it was so warm, so tempting, so incredibly seductive. His fingertips drove agonizingly slowly down my side, leaving a tingling trail through my clothes that stuck to me until his hands finally enveloped my waist. Sharply I inhaled the air and could not believe what his touch triggered in me. Fluttering, I lifted my eyelids to search for clarity in his eyes. To understand what was happening here.

I don't understand why I let him get so close again, but in his gaze lay an unimagined longing, a crackling desire, which was all mine. With one blow, the countless butterflies in my stomach began to flutter untamed and I was sure that nothing more than the same longing and impatience was reflected in my eyes as in Sehun's. Like a painful urge, an absolute necessity.

I wanted him to touch me and only me and no one else. And I wanted him to kiss me like there was no tomorrow. 

Even though it was wrong in every way. The wrong person in the wrong place, and just plain wrong. But he was here, adoring me with his looks, if not with words and deeds. And when I touched him, I felt my power towards him, for I could make him tremble with my fingertips - just as he always did with me. I wanted nothing more than to be desired and loved and suddenly felt a terrible panic inside me. 

I did not want his trembling lips to say anything now that would destroy this moment. That his strong arms might push me away and that heat would give way to an unspeakable cold. Following an impulse, I therefore suddenly pulled him towards me, threw all intentions, all morals overboard and saw how his glowing eyes darkened to a deep onyx before he lowered his eyelids. Before his intoxicating scent mixed with the chlorine in the water enveloped me. 

He bowed his head down a little more until his forehead touched mine. Until we breathed the same air and his lips finally overcame the last distance between us. I closed my eyes. The world around me shrank, there was nothing left but the unbearable softness touching my mouth and the feeling of cold water between our heated bodies. I couldn't think of anything that had been before this moment, nor could I think of anything that lay ahead in the future. I just wanted to feel him. His taste. Its warmth. His mouth that captured mine in a tender kiss. His lips that brushed across mine, all soft, nibbling, teasing. 

I pressed my body against his strong chest, nestled myself closer to him and sought protection in his strength. But suddenly he moaned at my mouth and separated his lips. I kept my eyes closed - I did not have to see him. I felt him looking at me the same way. Feeling the heat of his gaze wandering over me, over my closed eyes, the reddened cheeks, the hollow at the base of my neck where my racing pulse was pounding just under my skin, squeezed my eyes tighter and opened my lips a crack wide - hoping he would kiss me again. No, I knew he would.

But this time, without gentleness, without tenderness. He pressed himself against me and pushed me against the edge of the pool until it pressed almost painfully against my back. His lips were demanding. His tongue led a dance with mine, taking my breath and mind away. He embraced my face with one hand and took hold of me even more - and I clung to him as if I was in danger of drowning in the shallow water of the pool. Sehun lifted his head a little, loosened his lips from mine to draw a fiery trail of kisses across my cheeks. 

He moaned my name close to my ear. »Baekhyun.« He sounded strange. I couldn't remember who he was. I didn't even know who I was anymore. But I didn't care - not in the slightest. For the world had reduced itself to the heat of the kiss and the cooling wet around us. There was no one else. No one who could make me break away from him. No one who meant more to me at that moment. But of course that was not true. There was someone else. Someone who was supposed to mean more to me than that breathtaking kiss.

Yes, there was someone else. There was... Jisoo.


	16. the color of the lie

Sehun covered my neck with feather-light kisses, which I could feel very clearly despite his unspeakably soft lips. Between every single kiss he breathlessly panted one syllable of my name into the silence of the evening. His voice sounded like the purest temptation, dangerous, arousing and my name ran like the most attractive sin over his sensual mouth. 

His hot, almost sweetish breath tickled my wet skin and gave me a surprisingly intense, unbelievably tingling sensation, causing goose bumps creeping and icy cold to spread over my neck, my shoulder and down to my collarbone, where Sehun's tender lips worked their way to and made me tremble.

_»You’re a cheater!«_

Sehun felt so good, much too much, that I could not and would not have wanted to pay attention to it or destroy this special moment between us with a single word, a single gesture. Because I had waited far too long for this. To a person who desired me despite my faults, who protected me without putting me in chains, who stood by my side in my darkest and coldest moment of weakness without ifs and buts. 

Yes, even though we were both two strangers who had met each other by chance, like two extremes colliding and not knowing very much about each other, I just knew it could only be him. That I wanted no one but him. All my life I had been waiting for him, Oh Sehun. Only he alone could be the one with whom even that shameful misstep felt right, perfectly right. Because such a magical crackling, so beautiful and yet innocent, just couldn't be wrong, could it?

_»Hypocrite... like your mother...«_

It was far too beautiful. I'm sure it was him but desperation suddenly came over me and made me take a sharp breath. Was it true? Was I like her - my mum? A moaning sound left my throat. I didn't know whether it was despair or the desire for Sehun - but I chose the latter. No, when I noticed that his hand was constantly stroking along my spine, it was not true! I was nothing like her!

_»Then what are you doing here?«_

I swallowed. What was I doing here? I tried to fucking forget! Just concentrate on this moment here at Sehun's side. Opening up my life in a new direction. Was I denied even that small gift? Why couldn't I be careless for even this brief, fleeting moment? Just for a few seconds at least...

_»You know why.«_

Barely noticeable I shook my head. _No, I just don't know! What was so wrong with it?_ I opened my eyes a crack wide. The deep, dark blue of the evening sky, which became paler and paler the farther I looked towards the horizon, was reflected in the brightly polished windows of the nearby villa. The outer outline of a lonely, fluffy cloud that passed us by seemed to glow orange, heralding the approaching night like a harbinger. Due to the sunset. _Orange_ , it came to my mind and an old memory suddenly pounced upon me.

**It had been more than half a year already and yet not a single detail of this event seemed to ever fade away in my mind. Fresh and detailed, almost as if it was only yesterday. Yet I could not say that it was a pleasant memory for me. Rather, I wished it would finally be forgotten. I wished that she would stop torturing me so I could finally put it behind me. But in the end, I had no choice but to repress. Temporarily, like so many other things. As I said, it was some time ago - well before my vacation, before I learned the truth about my "parents".**

**While I was still searching for explanations for Mum's rejection. In retrospect, however, it is frightening how clear the signals were already then - I just never wanted to believe them. There was a room in our house, nothing spectacular or extraordinary, but my mother always forbade me to ever enter this room. The door to this room was at the other end of the corridor, directly opposite mine, and every time I saw the dark wood or the silver door handle, thousands and thousands of little shivers flashed through my spine.**

**It had always been very tempting to simply take a look inside without Mum's knowledge, but every time I stood in front of it, it was as if suffering, agonizing voices from inside were calling for redemption. Well, this might sound a bit exaggerated and too scary and scary, but I honestly felt like this every time. That's why I named that room the torture chamber. Sometimes I caught Mum, if she was ever at home, closing the door of the torture chamber behind her and disappearing inside for a few hours.**

**I often imagined that she was dissecting corpses, torturing people, or doing other horrible things. Maybe it was a rack, an iron maiden or a horror movie-like 'laboratory' - my imagination has always been quite vivid. But that this was really true, that Mum actually did these things, it was just too quiet for that. There was never even the slightest noise that reached the outside of the hallway. Even if I stood just two steps away and tried to listen excitedly.**

**About half a year ago, I overheard my parents arguing. Half lying down, I leaned against the headboard of my bed with a book in my hand and tried to torment myself through the structure of the human brain, when the angry voices of my parents reached up to me. Dad was screaming so loudly that it was finally time to change the decor of this room that I understood what was being talked about. The torture chamber.**

**However, I did not understand why he was so upset about this. What was so bad about what was inside? The room wasn't used by anybody but Mum anyway, so he didn't give a damn about it, did he? My mum replied, as angry as dad, that it was out of the question. That it was none of his business and that she had her reasons. I was shocked, I admit it. Not because my parents were arguing with each other, as so often, but because I just didn't want to succeed in finding a plausible explanation for it.**

**Because for a brief moment I had the vague fear that it might have been a torture chamber after all. As if stung by a tarantula, I jumped out of my bed suddenly and peppered my book carelessly and partly panicky into the next best corner. For some inexplicable reason I suddenly needed, after all these years, the certainty whether my assumptions, these absurd fantasies on my part, were true or not. Silently as possible I slipped out of my room and approached the door of the torture chamber.**

**I perceived the walls around me only as if through a tunnel. It was as if I was on an express train whose speed blurred everything. Everything, except for the door that rose up in front of me and growled at me almost threateningly. I hesitated for an endlessly long moment while my heart was beating up to my neck, before I finally gently put my hand with trembling fingers on the latch and jerked it. With a soft squeak I finally opened the door.**

**But the image I got - the certainty I was looking for - did not match my ideas at all and left me absolutely stunned, speechlessly amazed. It wasn't a torture chamber, no, not even a little bit. It was a perfectly normal room. A children's room, to be precise, whose walls were painted in a bright** **Apricot-Orange** **. On the left side of the room was a window, in front of which pearly white curtains hung down to the height of the window sill, letting soft rays of the sun shine through.**

**On the windowsill stood an orchid whose delicate white flowers rose gracefully upwards. On the wall stood a cot with carefully folded blankets with animal motifs and a cuddly little plush bear in the middle. On the right side of the room there were child-sized seats, a cuddly corner with dozens of small cushions and even more plush animals. In addition, cute penguin and dog puppy posters hung everywhere on the wall, as well as a clock and a photo of Mum and Dad.**

**It was a perfect, caringly furnished room that made little children's hearts beat faster. And I just couldn't understand what that meant. Why Mum had decorated this room and made it a secret for years and why Dad was against it. I didn't know if I wouldn't have preferred a torture chamber, because then I would have known a reason for Mum and Dad's quarrel. But this...?**

**Swaying and completely perplexed, I leaned against the door frame when I suddenly heard excited footsteps from below. In my shock I had simply ignored my parents' argument and paid no attention to it, but now my mother's angry voice penetrated me like through a veil. »WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE.«, she shouted at me in such contempt and disgust as she fixed me with a sinister look so that my heart stopped for a fleeting beat.**

**I opened my lips, but no sound would escape. All the alarm bells inside of me were shrieking much too loud, making me shiver and a terrible fear creep up inside me. What could I say now? Mum touched me on the shoulder with ice-cold fingers, which made me shiver. »I asked you a question!« she continued to hiss. »I... I...« In horror I had opened my eyes wide. Because I knew I had made a mistake. That I had defied my mother's rules when I took a look inside this room and now had to expect consequences.**

**Fine beads of sweat were already forming on my forehead. »Seohyun, that's enough.« my dad, who now joined us as well, said with a firm voice in between. »Baekhyun can't do anything for it.«, he took my side and gave me a fine smile so that tender crow's feet formed around his eyes. An attempt to calm me down, as he had obviously not missed my panicky expression and my stiff posture, I knew that, but my uncontrolled trembling and my much too fast pulse could not contain it at all.**

**»He can't do anything for it?!« Mum kept repeating out of control, jiggling me like I was a wedged door. »It's all Baekhyun's fault!« With a jerk, as if I was pure poison, she suddenly pushed me away from her, so that I slammed painfully against the corner of the door frame. »Seohyun...?!« I heard the horror in Dad's voice. I no longer understood the world. What was my fault? Because I saw the room? Because my parents were fighting? Or because I was just there? Alive? My burden grew heavier.**

**»Stop your Seohyun...«, my mother imitated my father, before she suddenly raised her hand and took a blow. A blow that was meant for me, no doubt. As running, there was only darkness and a freezing cold in front of me, which brought more and more tears to my eyes.**

**But not even my tears were worth shed. I felt worthless, small, insignificant. I was to blame for everything. It was my parents' fault they fought. Blamed my mom for despising me. It was even my fault I was breathing.I wanted to stop doing that right then and there, but before any more self-doubt could enter my head, I heard my name from afar. »Baekhyun!« The voice sounded familiar. Pleasant, maybe a bit crazy, but I certainly did not need to be afraid of it.**

**It wasn't Mum or Dad or anyone else I had to run away from. So I slowed down my steps, but didn't stop yet. »Baek!« I heard again - closer this time, so I looked around while I nervously wiped my tears from my eyes. After all, no one needed to see this desperation. »Hey! Baekhyun!« »Ji-Jisoo?.« I asked confusedly when I found my girlfriend. She came running toward me, smiling and out of breath.**

**»Hey, what are you...« she started, but interrupted herself. »Are you all right?« her smile died on her lips and gave way to genuine concern as she looked at me. I avoided looking at him directly. Nothing was all right, I thought, and felt miserable. »Sure.«, I lied, however. »Sure?« Jisoo followed up. I don't know what to say. I had always been a lousy liar, and with my face all whimpered, the chances of me coming across at least halfway credibly were nil.**

**I nodded, hoping that Jisoo would be simple-minded enough not to dwell on this subject any longer, while I looked carefully at her. But the sight of her only threw me off track even more than I already was. It was gloating how her orange t-shirt she was wearing poked me in the eye.**

**Orange, like the room.**

**Orange, the colour I hated from now on until eternity, because it ate into my memories, my memory, like a parasite. »I think...« she began, but was interrupted by me. I didn't want him to get the idea of squeezing me out. That she was trying to see behind my back. Because how could I tell her what happened not ten minutes ago? One answer would only have raised more questions. Questions to which I was simply not prepared to give an honest answer, which would have only torn my heart even further apart.**

**No, that was impossible, completely unimaginable. torture. I followed an impulse out when I grabbed her by the sleeve and pulled her into the nearest corner. It was pure self-protection and yet, in retrospect and unconsciously, I hurt not only myself but also her. »Shut up and get undressed.«, I said seducing at her and was surprised that Jisoo followed suit without hesitation. I was so relieved that she dropped this miserable, horrible piece of orange cloth next to her that I just didn't think about what I was doing now.**

**I used Jisoo.**

**She was simply in the wrong place at the wrong time and dressed completely unsuitable, I told myself to justify my behaviour, but inwardly I always knew that this was only half the truth. I used Jisoo so that I could forget, at least for a short moment. No thoughts, no agony, no hopelessness I wanted to feel, but only a liberation from pure egoism. In retrospect, however, the bad conscience was worse than the brief feeling of unconditional oblivion. Because I knew that Jisoo got an even worse image of me. The image of a loving, desiring Boyfriend. Hypocritical...**

»...like your mother...«

Horrified, my eyes opened and with one blow I pushed Sehun, who kissed me again and again, away from me. »Don’t…«, the images of my memories suddenly merged with the present. It was frighteningly real, as if the nightmare was beginning all over again. Or as if it had never stopped. No, I didn't want to make that mistake a second time. Moreover, my guilty conscience would have become even more unbearable for me afterwards, because I would not only have betrayed myself a second time, but also Jisoo - my girlfriend. 

I would've cheat on her, lie to her again, and become just a little bit more like my mother's smug grimace. I was afraid to regret. »What...?«, I heard Sehun's hoarse, smoky voice, while I pressed my hands on my mouth in consternation and wiped them again and again. Yes, I was afraid of remorse, regret, my conscience. So I quickly splashed water on my face and neck to wash away Sehun's touches, the proof of my wrongdoing.

To scare the hot trail of goose pimples off me. Like in a trance, I just couldn't stop. »What's wrong?«, the jerk interrupted me in my movement, grabbed my hands and forced me to hold still. »What are you asking?«, I repeated squeakily. »Everything! That... that... I can't. I can’t…«, I was confused, upset. I was completely off track. I was shaking all over, and I wanted nothing more than to be mad at that jerk. 

For kissing me, for not pushing me away. But really, I was just angry at myself. I was the one who let it happen. Although I had earlier firmly resolved to keep Sehun at a distance. But what could I do? He always made me feel like I was on a roller coaster. Back and forth, up and down, over and under. I knew that I wasn't allowed to do that under any circumstances but I was too weak to resist. I wanted to be free, to be forgotten - for selfish reasons, like back then with Jisoo.

I shook my head. No, actually that was only the half-truth again, I admitted to myself, because it had a fine, but significant difference: I did not only want to forget, I also wanted him, Sehun. I wanted to love him and be loved by him as the one I really was. Jisoo only loved my façade, my mask, because she knew nothing else about me. Because I never let her see behind it. Maybe that's why I resisted her caresses so much, right? 

Because it's unbearable to be liked for the wrong reasons. Because in the long run, it becomes more and more difficult to keep a smile on your face. But with Sehun? Sehun didn't know any of this. With him it was casual, honest, real. Until now he only got to know me, without any front, though not much. But definitely sincere! That meant he kissed me, touched me and saw me, right? But... even though it was honest, it was still wrong. No matter what I told myself, I still had Jisoo. I owed her my loyalty because it was the only thing I could give her.

Restlessly I shook myself, trying to escape Sehun's grip. But I could not. He held me tight before he looked me in the eyes. My heart suddenly felt like a ton of weight in my chest, beating irregularly while my stomach rumbled. I felt so sick, so nauseous, because I suddenly realized that I did not regret having almost made the same mistake again, that the fear of regret was unfounded. None of that because it felt right until the very end.

No, I regretted being Jisoo's Boyfriend.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I want to thank everyone who reading this story, I'm sorry for the late update but I didn't want to upload when SC has their comeback :)


	17. The failed ostrich tactic

Regret. That is how simply this short word is therefore said, how insignificant its explanation on paper is. In dictionaries, you will always find the same terms for it: sympathy, compassion or even pitying someone. But what does this simple word mean once you have felt it yourself? As soon as the whole of the life one had led until then was irretrievably destroyed with a single blow, from one second to the next? Yes, I regretted. I regretted being Jisoo's Boyfriend. It hurt me so terribly in my soul to know that everything I had believed to be right was suddenly completely wrong and went the wrong way round. 

At first there was only a tiny glimmer of knowledge in me, which I of course immediately tried to banish from my head, to erase it from my consciousness. But the longer I looked into Sehun's dark eyes and could see this slight trace of tenderness and concern in them, the stronger the feelings in me became. The certainty that I could no longer fool Jisoo and that I didn't want it. He deserves more than to love a mask. That he deserved more than my mere loyalty, of which even now, after I had tasted Sehun's lips, nothing was left. No, I wished Jisoo only the best - and I myself was just not good enough for that. 

My life was a heap of rubble, the scars in my soul too deep. I realized that I first had to try to clear up this hopeless chaos within me, which had stirred up nothing but shards and dust for years, and that I had to finally come to terms with everything that tormented me and caused uncertainty. After all, this shitty life belonged to me alone and I was the sole architect of my own happiness, regardless of what my mother said. Insignificant to what others thought of it. I wanted to be free. Free and happy.

But what should I do - now that I became aware of it? How could I realize my dreams without trampling on other people's feelings, as my mum always did? Closing my eyes and going through it just wasn't in it. Not after I had already tried it, let Sehun seduce me and literally jumped into the cold water. Forced to try to forget would never solve the problems. Because when I did, it was usually never for long - no matter how firmly I closed my eyes to reality, the world kept on turning. And Jisoo and all my friends would continue to believe that I was who I seemed. Mum's rejection would also hurt me and my suffering would never end.

I sniffed quietly before I realized that countless tears had already collected in my eyes. This feeling of helplessness and the knowledge of not being able to find solutions, mixed with the realization of my regret, was too much for me. I just did not know what to do. How it would go on from now on and above all how I could escape this vicious circle. Because my plan - to be carefree at least for this one weekend - I could now confidently abandon it when I realized that I could not go back. 

That this short weekend was certainly not enough and that on Monday, when the seriousness of life would begin again, I could not turn back the clock. After all, it was already too late for that - the thing with Sehun and me had already become too deeply entangled and I wanted to break out of the life with my mother at all costs, even more than before. And I knew that something had to change - forever. I just didn't know how to do it. Sehun, who obviously felt my desperation, strengthened his grip around my arms.

»Why can't you? What aren't you allowed to do?«, he repeated questioningly my sentence, which had hovered between us for countless seconds. The water splashed very softly as the first tear came out of my eyes and dripped from my face. I wanted Sehun. I wanted him so much that it closed my throat, but I just could not. At least not yet. Not before I took all the courage to talk to Jisoo about this whole situation. Not until I had confessed to him that I had kissed someone else, and not until I had told him that I was on the verge of falling in love with this other. 

Because no matter how insane and completely surreal these feelings seemed, my body sent clear signals that I just couldn't ignore and my heart spoke a language that my head just didn't understand yet. I blinked away the veil of tears a few times and shook my head carefully. »You and I... There's something I need to clear up.« I said, startled at the fragile-rough sound of my own voice. »Are you talking about her.«, he asked, and by the way he emphasized this 'her', I knew immediately who he was talking about - my Girlfriend Jisoo. So I nodded immediately. »Yes, I think it would be best if I told her that...«

»When you say what to her?« Sehun suddenly hissed unusually harshly in between. I flinched because I never expected such a dark timbre and the abrupt change of his mood. What was wrong now all of a sudden? »When you beg her that it was a mistake?That you promise her the blue of heaven so that everything will remain as it was? Tze!«, he continued to get upset and left me even more stunned. »What? I... No!«, I objected and now tried once more to free myself from the grip of his hands. What was he thinking then? And why was he suddenly so cold and distant?

»Not? What then, huh?«, he said in rage and suddenly released my arms without warning, so that I hit the edge of the pool, causing a greater splash of water against my cheeks. »Now let me finish, damn you.«, I complained and drove through my face with trembling hands. Very great, I thought angrily, i wanted to confess my feelings to someone and then something like that happens! What the hell was his problem? As if I wasn't distraught enough already!

»What are you so upset about?«, I wanted to know when I realized what I was thinking. I mean, confessing my feelings? We and especially I had not been that far yet! I saw Sehun's lips open to an answer, but before he said a word, it closed again. When I entered he avoided my gaze. »Can't you speak now?« I asked him cynically, but I didn't really want to sound like it. It was like a malicious reflex and I was simply too agitated inside, I tried to tell myself, for I noticed that his posture suddenly became tense. Something was not right, not at all. Sehun, however, still did not make a sound.

»Hey, what's wrong?« I spoke in a more conciliatory tone and gently touched his arm. I tried to ignore the fact that countless electric shocks tickled my fingertips and that goose bumps were again spreading on my skin. »Nothing.«, he lied and looked at my hand, with which I touched him. The goose bumps increased immensely and drove a pleasantly warm feeling into my stomach. »You are cold.« he stated soberly, when he had not missed my goose bumps, which made all the hairs on my arms stand up on end. Suddenly I let go of him again and felt how the warmth spread all the way to my cheeks. Damn it.

»No.«, I lied this time and rubbed my skin to hide my goose bumps. Although it wasn't even a lie - I was actually not cold. After all, it was all because of him, but I would do the devil and put it on his nose in the first place. And besides, why did he suddenly change the subject? Sehun, without paying attention to my answer, started moving and more than elegantly lifted himself out of the pool. He shook the dripping water out of his soaking wet clothes which stuck to him like a second skin, thus emphasizing the drawing of fine muscles on his belly to great advantage before he stretched out both arms towards me.

»Don't you dare pull me back in.«, he admonished me, while I carefully put my hands in his. »You still owe me an answer.«, I replied after he had kindly helped me out of the water. Sehun nimbly stroked a wet strand of his hair backwards. »What do you want to know?«, he growled and I knew that he already knew that I wouldn't let up. _Preferably everything_ , it crossed my mind, but I didn't want him to feel cornered either. I knew that I was only allowed to touch myself slowly to get the answers I really wanted to hear. 

After all, there must be a reason why he suddenly acted so harshly. And above all: Why he first treated me like an unwanted and annoying insect and not a week later kissed me like there is no tomorrow! That's why I replied with a slight delay. »For a start, how about: Why are you making me break into someone else's property?« Immediately a one-sided grin crept up on Sehun's lips, which made me wonder again. Did this person suffer from mood swings or what was wrong with him?

»Who said anything about breaking in? I seem to remember never mentioning that word even once.«, he purred. »Well, take a look around.«, I said and made a sweeping gesture. »Or what else would you call it?« »Hm…«, he began to think and scratched his chin for an exaggeratedly long time. »Breaking in sounds so negative. I'd rather call it go home for a swim.«, I thought I heard wrong. I mean, unbelievable how casually he threw that information at me like it was nothing. Like it was a well-known fact. 

Because did he actually just say 'home'? And did he really mean his home? That huge mansion? But... No, I just couldn't believe it. »What?«, I asked, and could swear could swear my jaw already met the ground. »What 'what'?«, this idiot repeated to me and I felt that he had to suppress a gloating grin. »We've been through that before.«, I smirked sourly and crossed my arms in front of my chest. »Does that mean you live here?«, I started again, after I could bring my thoughts under control a bit. »I mean... here?« Sehun just nodded.

Granted, I was completely speechless. And somehow I suddenly felt like the biggest fool on earth around him. After all, he knew where we were and I, unsuspecting as I was, thought that I had now become a burglar. He had known all the time and had completely fooled me - and that with one hundred percent... nonsense... one thousand percent certainty on purpose and on top of it all he had enjoyed it! Damn it, he tricked me. »Don't look so glum.« Sehun - that Jerk - grinned at me. »it was just revenge for...« »Yeah yeah, I understand.«, I interrupted him quickly when I suddenly had to think back to the incident at El Dorado. 

Strangely enough, my little prank with the Tabasco was more than unpleasant, because it made me feel ashamed of it. Which devil had gotten into me? »We're good now, okay??«, the idiot suggested and, as a sign of truce, extended his right hand to me, which I shook in complete bewilderment. Sehun laughed and now approached the giant villa, which rose gracefully and majestically not five metres in front of us. I followed him like a lost puppy and was still secretly annoyed, but at the same time I became aware of this intimidating environment with these incredibly colossal buildings, which made me shiver. 

Why did Sehun live in such a magnificent street? And why was I suddenly bothered by how little I knew about him and that I just couldn't find any explanation for his mysterious behavior? »What had you mixed in there anyway.«, he asked gurgling, interrupting my train of thought as he searched for the key in his soaking wet trousers. »Believe me, you don't want to know.«, I replied and watched him excitedly as he finally opened the door with the key and a little pressure. »Yes, I do, otherwise I wouldn't have asked. Or was it something illegal.«, he asked and grinned another one of his mischievous smiles, which I liked a bit better every time.

»Right! That's why there were so many reporters at our door today, because they wanted to know where young people get their stuff these days.«, I confirmed sarcastically and could hardly hold back from laughing. Ha, at least one thing he didn't know about for a change and I swore to myself that I would take this little thing to my grave and let him stew with this uncertainty. Even though it was childish if he didn't want to give me any answers, I for one was not ready for that either. With a gesture of his hand the stupid man finally let me go first. 

»That's too bad. And I thought they were here because you have such a cute bottom.«, I heard him and not a second later I felt him pinch me in that part of my body. »Hey!«, I complained with a laugh, and I slapped his hand off my ass again. I was amazed at Sehun's sudden and unusually cheerful behavior and almost forgot everything and everyone around me, because somehow it felt to me as if I had known him for years - although I didn't really know anything about him. It was so strange and at the same time, amazingly enough, I didn't even mind that he touched me, because his touches were among the most beautiful sensations I had ever experienced.

But these feelings disappeared faster than expected. As soon as I took the first step over the threshold to Sehun's house, it was as if the emptiness that prevailed in it pressed itself with a concentrated charge on my heart. Not a sound could be heard, no sign could I catch that there was anyone else here but the two of us. Since it had already become quite dark outside, he unceremoniously pressed a light switch on the left wall and not a moment later a warm light illuminated the entire entrance area in front of us. 

To be honest, I would have expected a far more extravagant interior. Expensive marble tiles, for example, or modern designer furniture. But somehow the entrance area, which was at least twice the size of my home, seemed to be kept very simple and discreet. The floor consisted entirely of light brown parquet, the walls were white. Snow-white. To the left, next to the light switch, there was a coat rack from which not a single jacket hung and a mirror that reached from Sehun's head to his hip.

On the right two doors made of dark brown teak led into further rooms. Between these two doors there was exactly one chest of drawers. With the stairs, which I discovered diagonally opposite us, one reached the upper floor and right next to it - through an opening with a round door arch - the adjoining salon. Everywhere it smelled so wonderfully of him, so that I unconsciously enjoyed many breaths through my nose, but basically, the villa seemed to be completely uninhabited otherwise. So completely without life or any kind of joy. Just dead.

After a fleeting glance at Sehun, I turned my attention to the ground, timidly shifting my weight restlessly on the floor. I didn't know what to say because first of all I felt reminded of my own home and that was very repugnant to me! And secondly, I suddenly felt fear that Sehun might have more secrets than it seemed at first because I suddenly remembered what Mr. Lee had said to me a few days ago when this incident with the coffee and the sickroom happened. »The boy has been through a difficult time.« were his words, and suddenly a thick lump lay in my throat. 

What if Mr. Lee did know - or at least suspected - something concrete? Could there have been something wrong with Sehun's parents? Why did everything else seem so unloving here? But before I could find any explanations for myself, his throat clearing took me out of my thoughts again. »Feel like at home.«, he said politely and took a step forward. Because of the high walls and the sparse furnishings his voice echoed muffled and hollow. But suddenly he stopped and turned back to me. ’Shit, that was stupid of me.’ was written in his eyes, but before he could say it, I shook my head.

»It's all right.«, I said, trying to smile at him. Although I succeeded more badly than right, but still. I knew that he wouldn't forget this outburst of my mother, of which we both had been witnesses, any more than I hadn't, and that his testimony was just a hospitality phrase. Therefore I could not blame him - and besides, I was too surprised that he took my feelings about it into consideration at all. It was really indescribable how much I was irritated and attracted by his alternately nice - cold - nice behaviour, like a magnet.

Sehun returned this timid smile and - after we had got rid of our shoes - led me into the adjoining salon. There, a similar picture awaited me as the one from the entrance area: hardly any furniture, the walls painted in dull white and nowhere photos or even personal items. »If you want, you can sit down.«, he kindly offered me and pointed to a couch covered with black imitation leather, in front of which a projecting glass table with equally black table legs stood. »I'll bring you a towel right away.«, I nodded gratefully and not a moment later I carefully sat down on the seat. 

Sehun in the meantime disappeared again to fetch the towels and left me alone with my thoughts. As I sat down, I suddenly became aware again of the crushing weight of my wet backpack, so I hurriedly took it off my shoulders and placed it on my lap. With a wailing sound, however, I had to realize that the contents - more precisely, my change of clothes - had completely soaked up with water and I now had nothing dry to put on. 

Damn it, what did that Jerk have to throw me into that stupid pool without saying a word? Grumbling I curled my lips. But actually this didn't really matter much anymore anyway, I decided after a while. After all, nobody got to see me anyway - except the stupid man himself - and that's why I didn't have to cut a particularly good figure now, did I? I doubted that he cared much about me being wet. Otherwise he would have done it already anyway. Lost in thought, I let my gaze wander and came to the conclusion that I simply had no time for superficial vanity.

No, there were exactly two questions on my mind. The first one was how I should now manage to get my life back on track without hurting anyone, but still be happy myself. And the second one was which person was hiding behind Sehun's attractive appearance. What caused his change of mood from before and what this dreary home was all about. Whether he could really give me answers to this question and above all wanted to?

Suddenly I felt something soft being thrown in my face and landing on the couch next to me. I jumped up and immediately found the look of Sehun's dark eyes resting on me and discovered the towel he had silently thrown at me. »Thank you...«, I murmured softly, took my eyes off him and grabbed the towel before I started to rub my hair dry. Sehun barely nodded noticeably and sat down next to me at a distance. He had put on a dry, dark blue shirt and exchanged his wet trousers for a fresh one. Besides, he had put his own towel around his shoulders, which slipped easily when he leaned in my direction. 

I paused in my movement and looked at him again. His look betrayed his uneasiness to me, for he knew that now more than before one question after another was burning on my tongue. Without hesitation I took a deep breath and asked him the first question that came to my mind. The sooner he gave me clarity, the sooner I could finally devote myself to my second problem - namely my life itself, wasn't it? »Tell me, how come you live in a villa like this? And do you actually live alone?«, I wanted to know and noticed how Sehun's attitude became so strangely tense again. 

»Yes.«, he pressed out after a short hesitation and I heard in his voice how difficult this must have been for him. Out of an impulse - and because I suddenly didn't like to see him so shaken and sad, I grabbed his hand and gently enclosed it with mine, which was much smaller than his. »What's going on here?«, I finally asked, hoping that he could trust me enough to answer me openly and honestly.

And slightly hesitant, he actually started to explain it to me.


	18. The time we have left - 1-2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> the next 2 chapter will be from Sehun's perspective and his past, I hope you like it.   
> Trigger warning: death, mistreatment

Life and time.

These are two stretchable terms if you ask Oh Sehun, because each person had his or her own definition of them. But what did these words mean to him? What explanation had he found for himself? Well, he had never given it much thought - or had never had to do any. 

As the youngest of two sons, he grew up well protected in a family where the word 'worry' seemed to be a foreign word. Because no matter how much trouble he got into, with his father's influence and wealth he was always able to somehow get out of trouble. And crap was as good as commonplace for Sehun. Therefore, life had become a game for him and time was only an insignificant companion - a side effect, so to speak, which Sehun took note of but which had no weight for him.

'Those who sought the sense of responsibility and conscience with him, sought in vain', he always stressed. For he certainly did not have the faintest idea of this. But why was this so? Why did he live his life according to his own standards and ideas without thinking about the consequences of his actions? Without giving a thought to what his parents, his friends and even the law had to say about it? Clearly because he didn't care.

He just didn't give a damn, and he didn't care what you or I, or even the Pope, would have said against it, because he was - to put it simply - fed up. He was so tired of being constantly bossed around by everything and everyone and yet always having the feeling that he had failed, that at some point he had reached the point where he just didn't want to go on. It all started when he slowly but surely began to form his own judgment about certain situations in his life. 

At some point he had grown out of childhood to take at face value everything his parents preached to him and what they thought was right and wrong, and above all when he noticed an ever-widening gap between himself and his older brother, Minho. It should be noted that the two of them had been one heart and soul since he could remember, two brothers who, despite the three-year age difference, could not live without each other and who, over and over again, supported each other. 

Minho was there whenever his little brother was feeling bad but also when everything was fine. Whereby Sehun had to admit that the good things outweighed the bad ones by far - at least at that time. And this had always been like a necessity for him, something essential that gave his life meaning in the first place - the knowledge that Minho was his brother. A person whom he loved above all else and to whom he could entrust every detail of his thoughts, no matter how insignificant.

Because no matter what happened, the two brothers would always stick together. No matter what happened, the two would always look out for each other. How naive he was in retrospect to believe that this wishful thinking really was true and that nothing and no one could ever succeed in separating Minho and him. Because of course, there was one person who managed to do so and who pulled it off consistently and mercilessly, even without any consideration of losses.

It’s his father. What an irony of fate that he, of all people, was responsible for the fact that life within the family had changed from one day to the next with one blow to the negative - after all, it was he who had made Sehun and Minho the very people they had been since birth: brothers.

Sehun's father, Jiyong, had never been a man of great words or sentimentality, but he was always a man of great deeds. After only ten years, he had achieved what many a man could only dream of all his life: Worldwide fame, a multi-million-dollar corporation, and a beautiful, beautiful woman by his side. But of course, all the happiness in the world came at a high price, and Sehun gradually became only too aware of that. Unfortunately.

How? Well, for Sehun himself, the price was the painful experience that his father had made different plans for Minho than for his youngest son. Minho as the firstborn, had the duty to ensure the advancement and security of future generations. And that was the crux of the matter. Sehun, of course, did not immediately understand the meaning of his father's statement. Especially since he had hardly been older than ten years back then. 

Only when they took away the dearest and most expensive thing he owned by sending Minho to a private school far away from his home country to prepare himself for his upcoming life in the best possible way - yes, only then came the disillusionment. And the certainty of being different from his beloved brother. Someone who could never measure up to his big brother in any way. Someone who was a seemingly unimportant part of the whole, an unwanted appendage that you just couldn't get rid of.

Only when Minho was sent far, far away to a foreign country at the age of twelve did he realize that he himself was nothing more than the notorious black sheep of the family. However, it wasn't only the fact that his brother was sent away that gave him this feeling or rather this certainty. No, it was of course also the way his father looked down on him after Minho had left. How he had always had only words of praise for his big brother, while Sehun himself never received the slightest encouragement or the tiniest, nice gesture. Or felt anything like love or even security within his own four walls.

Yes, even though Minho had always been a great role model for him, shining and shining like the summer sun, he never managed to do justice to his big brother. No matter what he tried. The disillusionment that even a life as Minho's shadow was too much expect hit him as hard and as fiercely as only lightning on metal could normally do. As if a truck weighing several tons rolled over him in the middle of a delicately overgrown flower meadow.

And so it came about as it had to. Sehun didn't want to know about any of this anymore. No more duties, no more responsibilities. Not even about his brother. He knew that his father wouldn't stop with disapproving remarks like 'You and Minho are worlds apart' or 'You're going to be a big failure one day', no matter if he tried hard - which tired him so incredibly or if he let himself go. There would never be an end to it anyway, he told himself. So why complicate things when you could take the easier way?

Well, and that's why Sehun drew a line one day, a clean cut, under this chapter. It was the day when he realized that the boundless love he had once felt for his older brother had turned into unbelievable hate and envy. Dark and bleak feelings that just wouldn't let go of him. The carefree childhood they once had suddenly seemed like nothing more than a distant dream. An old memory that was gradually fading. 

Reality, however, was all the more merciless. On the one hand there was Minho, the glimmer of hope of the family Oh - hard-working, conscientious and responsible. And Sehun, the failure - lazy, incorrigible and unimportant.

At the tender age of thirteen, Sehun finally began to break every rule set by his father - and on purpose. Be it his performance at school, which sank rapidly into the basement, or his behaviour towards others. He simply didn't want to be just Minho's little brother anymore, but only himself - Sehun. Well, that didn't mean that he mutated from one day to the next to one of those typical 'bad boys', that's not the case at all. After all, he didn't have anyone on his conscience, nor did he deliberately trample on the feelings of others out of pure malice - although he would have had more than enough opportunities to do so. 

Rather, it was that he wanted to test his own limits. Be it several drinking marathons lasting up to thirty-six hours, the excessive use of cannabis and other ominous substances or his membership in a club that organized illegal motorcycle races - Sehun did not want to leave anything untried in his life. In spite of his tender age and of course he didn't want to miss any opportunity to show his father that he could do more than being just a little brother that nobody wanted to have.

However, this led to Sehun making acquaintance with the local judges and prosecutors much more often than his father would have liked. He was also expelled from his former school almost twice. But Sehun was completely indifferent to this, of course. After all, as he said, he had already finished with his 'usual' life anyway. His father, on the other hand, was furious - which is not unusual for a parent. Which father would want his own child, his own flesh and blood, to fall into a dark abyss and let himself go more and more?

Well, the sad thing about the whole thing, though, was that Jiyong actually didn't give a damn what Sehun did. Who he was meeting. Or what substances he ingested. However, the success of his business put the family - and thus the good name of the Ohs - under pressure from the public at large. And Jiyong knew that as a member of such importance, you had to live up to a certain ideal - otherwise you would perish and sink, just as the Titanic had once done on the high seas. 

Therefore, he - quite the diplomatic businessman - drew the only conclusions from Sehun's behavior which he thought were the right ones and did everything possible to ensure that his youngest son would never be talked about by the people. Never, really. This meant that Jiyong had to pay for his youngest son a lot of money to help him get his head out of the noose just in time for every crime he was caught doing. In this way he was able to compensate people for the evil things Sehun had done, as he always tried to emphasize. 

For him, however, this meant nothing else but that his father bribed the people to keep them quiet. Jiyong had never thought about what the reason for his behavior might have been. However, he had never thought that he was one of the main culprits when he had the glorious idea of separating his two sons and treating Sehun like a leper while praising Minho to the skies. And his hatred for the family then grew stronger and stronger. Like fire in a mine shaft that raged deep below the earth's surface and fought its way further and further out into the open.

It had been shortly after his seventeenth birthday when Sehun for the first time in years allowed himself to reflect on the course of his own actions so far. Maybe because he had grown older in the meantime - but maybe because he had excellent grades in his report card despite his poor exams. Or maybe it was simply because he had met this boy at that time. As he throws a secret party at his family's vacation estate. He saw him already from a distance, above the heads of the dancing crowd, like a sparkling diamond. though it was anything but a sparkling diamond. 

Sehun knew neither his name nor anything else about him, and yet he knew that something must have shaken him too deeply. He sat alone on his parents' spotted sofa, staring thoughtlessly into his almost full glass, which he clasped with his hands while everyone else around him was in the wettest party mood of the year. Moreover, he could have sworn that he heard the boy sigh, as impossible as it sounds. Finally the music was turned up to the max and mixed with the conversations of the guests around him, weaving an almost unbearably loud carpet of sound.

He was reluctant to admit it, but this boy seemed so incredibly lost and depressed to him that for a brief moment he felt reminded of himself. Back to when he realized he hated Minho. Hadn't he felt just as lost and depressed? Like a lost lamb between all the duties and expectations of his family and the realization that his efforts had been in vain? But was it right of him to do all this crap just to prove to himself that he didn't care about the opinions of others? What was the point of it all? Because of Minho? Because of father?

When the boy suddenly lifted his head and he met those brown, almost lifelessly shining eyes, which he would certainly never forget, he felt secure, as if someone had torn the ground from under his feet. As if time had stood still for a tiny little moment. But even before he could come to any further and sometimes frightening realization, Sehun noticed that the strange boy was not looking at him but at someone else. 

That he hadn't lifted his pale, yet tender face because he had felt his gaze on himself, but because at that moment an equally strange girl in a horrible orange shirt and black trousers had built up between the two of them, and that the girl had suddenly put on a seemingly happy smile from one second to the next. As if it had suddenly been a completely different person sitting there on the sofa in front of him. And with one blow Sehun realized that he had wanted to be someone for a long time, almost convulsively, who he was not really. 

Because he just couldn't accept that it wasn't Minho who lived this life here, but only himself and that with all the crap of the past years he hadn't harmed anyone else but himself. Because despite the good grades in his report card he had no idea about the stuff he had learned at school. How could he? He'd hardly been around at all. Yes, when he saw the boy's fake smile in front of him, a realization suddenly struck him like a bright lightning bolt - he certainly could do more than drink, smoke pot and be a failure. 

No matter what his father said. He wasn't Minho and therefore didn't have to constantly compare himself with him. And all this, all the feelings and every insight he received at that moment when he saw the boy, suddenly burst upon him relentlessly, relentlessly and with full force. A thousand thoughts suddenly rushed through his head. He experienced a thousand sensations at once. 

More than in his previous life, so that he had no other choice but to leave his parents' holiday estate swaying and almost mechanically, if he didn't want to risk suffering a crying fit between all the guests - or a breakdown. With difficulty he fought his way out into the open and was suddenly relieved that he had not had the opportunity to speak to the strange boy personally. Moreover, he didn't waste any thoughts on the scene his father would make for him as soon as he learned that he threw a party without permission and now, to make matters worse, left it completely to himself. 

He just wanted to leave. To sort his thoughts. Buy some time. Time that had once been so unimportant to him. In retrospect, however, he could no longer say what he had done in the following hours, let alone where he had been, for no matter how hard he tried to remember it, he could not. It was like a film tear and that although he had left the party completely sober. 

Whether he had drunk himself to unconsciousness afterwards, because he had not seen any other way out of all these feelings? Or had he gotten stoned with whatever it was he was on? He just didn't know. Anyway, it didn't matter anyway, because when he came to the next day, he found himself in his own bed - in his parents' house. On the chest of drawers to the right of it, a tablet in a glass of water filled to the brim was gushing comfortably, and right next to it on the floor was an empty bucket. 

Sehun couldn't make any sense of it, but he was sure that someone must have found him last night and brought him here. Just had to find out who. And above all why. Bathed in sweat and with narrowed eyes, because the sun's rays were blinding him unbelievably strong through the blinds, he picked himself up and left his room on very wobbly legs. His head was throbbing unbearably, but he tried to ignore this fact while he was searching for his parents. 

Inwardly he prepared himself for a powerful hate speech of his father. But instead, he met someone else entirely different. Someone he least expected at that moment. His brother Minho. He almost fell from the top of the stairs when he spotted him. Minho stood with his back turned to him and talked to someone he couldn't see, let alone hear from his position.

But - why now? Just now, when Sehun had finally been willing to rethink his life after all these years, Minho had to reappear. Sehun knew that he had certainly not been ready for an encounter. That it took time. What kind of world was this that kept putting obstacles in your way just to complicate things unnecessarily?

_Why now?_

Because Minho had returned home for a single reason. A reason that Sehun was to experience much, much later and that would tear the family apart again. Minho returned home because he had known for a long time that time was a flexible and yet incredibly limited concept. Limited because sooner or later it caught up with you. And because he knew that he had little time left to tell his brother all the things he had been putting off for years.

Minho was certainly not too stupid and simple-minded not to realize that something had changed within the family after he had been sent away. For the first time this lukewarm premonition had crept up on him when his little brother's almost daily phone calls and also his father's answers were getting scarcer and scarcer. How often had he therefore asked himself, far away from home, what this meant? Or whether he was just seeing ghosts? Too often to count, at any rate. 

The certainty that something was wrong was given to Minho almost a year and a half ago, when his father accused him on the phone of having put nothing but nonsense into his brother's head. Minho - who was, of course, completely bewildered and unaware - had to keep on drilling until Jiyong finally told him that the then fourteen-year-old Sehun had been caught in broad daylight, on the open road, on a motorcycle. Or more precisely: during a motorcycle race. 

According to his father, he supposedly drove through countless stop signs and red lights and was responsible for several near-accidents. The anger and rage of his father had risen to immeasurable levels. Minho, however, could hardly believe what he heard at first. Sehun had done this? Why? What had happened? His bewilderment mixed with the knowledge that he actually doesn't know anything anymore put Minho into such a helplessness that he realized for the first time that he and his brother suddenly had worlds apart. 

And not only that, time had done the rest. After all he had been the one who had left his little brother behind. And the years went by without him taking care of his little brother. He blamed himself alone for all this - for leaving Sehun. Because he hadn't been there for him from the moment he left. Yes, after all these years he returned for that reason and finally back. To tell him all the things he had neglected for so long. Now, before it was too late - because the clock was still ticking. Not only for him but for everyone.

Two weeks had now passed since his return. It was early January. The fine layer of snow, which covered the surroundings like powdered sugar, seemed to wrap all life in a peaceful cloak of bliss and let it stand still for the moment. But of course this was not the case. Sehun had slowly but surely begun to turn his previous, breakneck life upside down and to accept what he was - the second son - or to deal with it. 

The contact to his 'friends' he had largely stopped. He always thought he would not be able to drive in this slush anyway. But not least because of the boy he had never met since the party again. That boy who had unintentionally given him a glimpse of another life through those brown, wonderful and yet sad eyes. A life that could actually be one. He had also tried to give Minho a second chance - or rather to try to give his brother a second chance some day. 

Well, Sehun said to himself that two weeks was just too short a period of time to get rid of all the hatred that had built up over the years and to straighten out all the messes he had made. And he was certainly right about that - which person could manage that? However, there was still the ticking of the clock and the shadow that gradually and eerily lazily and darkly covered the family Oh. A dark hole, which at first was of little importance.

Two weeks after his return, Minho fell ill. But it was nothing serious, said the doctor in charge at the time, just a flu-like infection, a harmless cold. Nothing serious then. And the doctor was right, because after three days Minho was over the dam again - his fever had dropped. But Sehun hadn't been able to get up the courage once during these three days to seek a conversation with his brother for the first time. 

Why should I? Minho was sick and he wasn't ready, so why stress himself like that? Maybe later, he convinced himself After all, he had way too much on his plate at the moment to get his life back on track. But Minho's 'flu-like infection' was not followed by another one two weeks later. It was unusual - at least for Sehun. After all, wasn't there a certain period of time when someone was immune after a flu because the body had produced its own antibodies? 

Well, maybe - maybe not. The fact was that the doctor who was consulted again suspected that the last infection was just never fully cured and that Minho relapsed because of it. And also this time, because nobody suspected anything, he postponed a conversation with his brother until later. Not least because Minho recovered this time, too.

But what nobody had noticed was the time that had passed in the meantime. The time that the shadow - the dark hole - had had to feed more and more on the powers of a human. Hardly a month had passed since Minho fell ill again. Again. And he recovered this time too. But the game repeated itself month after month, week after week. And the distances between them became smaller and smaller. Sick - healthy. Sick - healthy. Sick.

January passed.

And so did February.

March.

April.

May.

Minho's health had hardly improved since the last flu in April. His body simply could not and would not take these strains anymore. He was in constant pain - even the clothes he wore felt like razor-sharp stitches with every movement he made. Sitting had become unimaginable, and lying down was also torture. The sight of food made him nauseous and if he managed to choke down more than two bites, his tongue burned like viscous lava. 

As if he had not spooned up a bowl of steaming soup, but had eaten a caustic acid. In addition, he sometimes had the feeling that all his teeth were boring into his gums. Not out, as if they were coming out, but really into them. And yet he never complained. After all, he had known for some time that he was facing something worse than death. The reason why he had returned. 

His diagnosis, which he had kept hidden from his family for far too long. Because it was hopeless. For him. For time. For life. But there was one thing he was determined to do before he left. He wanted to say a proper farewell to his little brother before he had to leave again. Because he hadn't done it then and he regretted it so deeply all these years. It had already become early July and summer was showing its full splendour, so Sehun could hardly bear the heat even in the shade in short shorts and a T-shirt. 

He even sweated in places he didn't even know he could sweat there. And yet he didn't care about that at that moment. Not after all this trouble. And he also sensed that he could not hesitate too long for a conversation. However, he still wasn't quite clear what he should say to Minho at all. How he should say something. But actually it didn't matter at all. For one day it was the ninth of July, to be exact, when Sehun tried to sneak into his room unnoticed, after listlessly looking for something to eat in the kitchen, he faintly heard his name calling. 

Or rather the rattling of his name. However, he knew immediately where the sound came from, because Itachi's door, which he inevitably passed, was open for the first time since his return. »Se-Sehun.« Minho managed with all his strength. Because by now, even speaking was painful for him. Sehun dropped his glass full of fright, which he had fetched instead of something edible. But his eyes stubbornly fixed on his brother's face and he was sure he had never seen anything so terrible.

Minho's uncombed Hair with greasy hairline and incredibly brittle and lackluster tips. A few sweaty strands hung on his forehead. Under his eyes were dark purple and blue shadows so deep that it looked like the eyes were popping out of the sockets. The cheekbones were also unnaturally clearly visible, they protruded so far, and a crust-like layer had formed around his lips. Minho truly looked like a living dead man. An undead, to be precise.

And instantly Sehun's throat laced up, his heart beating his ribs too hard. Was that really his brother before him? »What has...« Minho started, but broke off again. Sehun was paralyzed. Even if he would have preferred nothing more than to finally hug his brother again after all this time, he just couldn't do it. But now that he saw Minho in all his relentless misery, no matter how long he had hated him, it became clear to him that just that one moment was enough to redo all the love he believed to lost to feel.

Limitless. And incredibly compassionate. As if the past few years hadn't existed, just the faded memories of his childhood. Together with his brother. »Minho...«, he whispered. He was simply unable to do more. And suddenly something happened that absolutely did not seem to fit into this situation: Minho smiled. His face clearly showed a smile - wistful, maybe remorse, but definitely a smile that said more than any word in the world could have done.

Because at that moment the two knew even without much speech that they would be brothers forever, no matter how much hatred and misfortune ever stood between them. They have always been. Then and now. And the fire full of hatred and anger inside Sehun went out in one fell swoop, with a single smile, as a tiny tear stole from his eye.

It was exactly seven minutes past noon, on July 9th, when the two brothers finally found each other after years of waiting, after years of hatred, but also when Minho left his brother forever.

And even if it was difficult for Sehun because Minho had left him again, he still knew that his brother had finally survived. Because he had lost the fight against life, but he had won the fight against death. Won because after all this time, after all his torments, he was finally allowed to die - with a smile on his face and happy.


	19. The time we have left - 2-2

_Blob... Blob... Blob…_

Again and again the bright yellow tennis ball bounced back into Sehun's hand. Almost every second he threw it against the bare, dreary wall in front of him, only to catch the ball again the next moment. He threw and caught. Threw and caught. And his dark eyes stubbornly fixed the wall. Sehun played this game for several weeks now - mostly when the sun had already set outside. 

Hardly a night went by without him lying in his bed, with an arm behind his head and a tennis ball thrown repeatedly against the ceiling while he stared seemingly lost in thought. Thoughtlessly, however, it wasn't exactly true, because Sehun actually didn't think of anything at all at those moments. It was as if a deep abyss had opened up in his mind to plunge every emerging feeling and memory into this cold, meaningless darkness beyond the abyss so that he could be intoxicated by an unexpectedly calm silence himself. 

A numbness that wrapped him in a thick layer of fluffy soft cotton wool, shielding him from everything and everyone. And that was a good thing, if he had his way, because that way he was at least spared these painful, annoying sensations. He knew, of course, that they were there - somewhere. How could it have been otherwise? Minho was dead, after all. Ripped from life like a piece that had been arbitrarily removed from a puzzle and lost for all time. 

And Sehun knew that this certain part had been the most important of all, for without it the puzzle was not complete, it would never be again - just as Sehun could not be without his brother. He felt incomplete without Minho. Imperfect. He missed his brother - so much. And it was exactly this loss that could cause him the greatest and most intense pain of all. So he banished him. Displaced him behind the protective layer of cotton wool, because otherwise he could not have endured it. 

Everything else would have eaten him up sooner or later, he was sure of that. It happened only rarely and fleetingly like a fraction of a second that small fragments of thoughts crept through the cotton wool into his consciousness. Most of the time, however, they were always the same. The memories of his brother. The smile, for example, that Minho had given him as the very last, final goodbye. Or his eyes that had lost their brightness from one moment to the next as the last breath of light had faded - and with it, the existence of an individual.

It had been over so quickly - so quickly. And there had been so many unsaid words, but time had been merciless. The sand had long since run out, the last grain had already fallen. Yes, it had all been over far too quickly. And yet that last moment with his brother had happened in slow motion. Shortly after, silence had returned. A silence that carried the last breath away like a rough whisper in the wind. Sehun forced himself to close his eyes and throw the ball against the wall again.

Blob…

He was not allowed to remember - not now and not later, he kept telling himself that. This pain - it was just not worth feeling. And his grief was not worth bearing.

Blob...

Even if that meant feeling nothing at all. If he could not get rid of this pain in any other way, it did not matter to him that he could not even feel pleasant sensations in return. To be honest, he did not want them at all. For he could keep them where the pepper was growing - how could he ever be happy, exuberant or at least satisfied again if he was sure the next moment that his brother was no longer here? No, not even the desire for a nice feeling was worth it to break out of the thick layer of deafness voluntarily. He preferred to feel empty - like now and forever.

Blob...

»Sehun?« Suddenly his father's voice came through very faintly. He stopped in the middle of his movement, but didn't dare look up. Jiyong had awakened from his sleep late at night by the noise caused by the loud bouncing of the tennis ball, as he had done so often in the past few weeks, and was now dressed in a robe and standing barefoot on the threshold of his room. 

He had opened the door only a crack wide, just enough to get a glimpse inside, but apart from the cool glow of light from the hallway, it was pitch black inside. Had he not known where his son's bed was, he might not have discovered it in the first place. »Sehun, don't you want to get some sleep.«, he asked - and although his voice was a little bit sharp, he knew that his father spoke to him unusually gently. He'd been doing that for weeks, ever since the thing with Minho...

»No.« Sehun answered curtly and threw the ball against the wall again. He simply didn't feel like getting involved in an uncompromising discussion, after all he knew that he could only fall asleep when the feeling of fatigue grew stronger than this prevailing numbness. And who knew when this would happen? Besides, his father was probably one of the last people by whose voice he wanted to be dissuaded from his senseless activity. No, Sehun really did not want to listen to anything more from his father!

Blob...

Jiyong felt an icy cold creeping over his skin through his son's cool voice. Higher and higher along his narrow calves, until they reached the warming fabric of his satin red robe. The muffled sound of the tennis ball when it hit the wall also gave him unusually eerie goose bumps. »Sehun, it's three o'clock in the morning and I, for one, want to sleep..« Jiyong said again and shook himself once barely noticeably. He sounded almost desperate. »Then piss off.« Sehun growled gruffly.

Blob...

»Sehun!«, his father rebelled. »What?«, his father hissed and caught the ball with his right hand. »You say you want to sleep? Then don't let me stop you. Close the door behind you.« With that, he turned away again and turned his eyes once more to the wall in front of him, which was shrouded in a deep shadow by the darkness. »We talking later.«, his father now warned sourly and was about to leave. 

Jiyong knew that his son could be as stubborn as he was, and since he had no head for a quarrel at that moment, he decided to postpone the discussion to a later date. For him, postponed did not mean immediately cancelled. He paused briefly, however, and muttered a »It can't go on like this.«, shaking his head, before finally pulling the door shut behind him with a soft creaking sound and walking back to his bedroom on quiet soles.

Blob...

Sehun sighed ponderously and ran his fingers spread through his hair, which already reached up to his neck. Couldn't once, really just once, everyone around him stop getting on his nerves? Sehun here - Sehun there, no one could stand it! Once again, he pushed his breath noisily through his nose and weighed the tennis ball in his hand, turned it and let it bounce for a short time before his long fingers enclosed it strongly. If he had been the same person he was six months ago, he would have thrown the ball against the wall with more force and much louder than before - only to make his father in the next room furious. 

And he probably wouldn't even have been able to wipe off a spiteful, smug grin. But now? Now he lowered his arm and closed his eyes. The tennis ball rolled out of his relaxed grip and fell to the floor. No, he was not the same man, certainly not. Neither he nor all the other things were as they had been before. Everything, just everything had changed for him after his brother left him. But at the same time, everything seemed to stay exactly the same. The world kept on turning, incessantly, and the people around him tried to live their insignificant lives. 

They laughed and cried, hated and loved, learned and celebrated. And the sun alternated with the moon in a steady, constant rhythm. First dark, then light - dark and light. Over and over again. Every day and every night. Yes, basically nothing had changed after Minho left. The only thing that had really changed for Sehun was the beat of time in which normality passed him by. That time seemed to pass by arbitrarily and unpredictably. For him it was as if the sun and moon no longer alternated regularly, no, but only when it suited them - just like the people around him. 

Sometimes he thought that everything and everyone threw themselves from one situation into the next much faster than usual - and sometimes he thought that everything went much slower and often more leisurely than before. Every now and then, when a new day came and another sheet of paper could be removed from the calendar, Sehun wondered how the past hours had passed so quickly. Where had the time gone? On the other hand, he couldn't believe how a single minute could feel like a goddamn half eternity. 

Like now, for example - or generally in those dark and lonely moments of the night. It was gruelling, this thing with time. Just too tangled up to understand it and Sehun had felt like a motionless object for weeks because of it. Something that existed but wasn't alive while everyone else rushed past him at different speeds. Like a highway in time lapse - he was the motionless road and the others were the cars dancing across the asphalt in the form of red lights. 

Sehun laughed bitterly. Strange how quickly a once unimportant trivial matter could become the most central one of all, isn't it? After all, hadn't he always seen time as something unimportant? Something he thought hardly needed any attention anyway, because life itself was a game anyway? Tze, how foolish of him. After all, it wasn't the time that was insignificant. And it wasn't life itself that was a game. Rather it was the living that had no value. All of us who, from the moment of our birth, served merely as puppets for the perfidious game of time. 

And all of us who stupidly believed we knew the rules and were naive, as humans are, and thought we were safe as long as everything went according to structure and plan. However, only time was pulling the strings, nobody else. Neither money nor fame nor brains. For with the breath of a single moment, time could make incredible happiness possible, heal wounds, but it could just as easily bring about great misfortune. Most of the time, even when it was least expected. So it didn't matter how much or little wealth one was blessed with or how high the opinion of others was. 

Everything happened the way time wanted it to happen. Sooner or later it certainly did. Well, some may speak of coincidence, others of fate. However, Sehun was certain that it was neither one thing nor the other when his brother was torn from life much too early and for no reason. When from one second to the next all life had been drained from him. Sehun shook his head and rolled over to his side to banish the reappearing images of his dead brother from his thoughts and to get rid of that disgusting pulling pain in his chest. 

He tried to concentrate on his breathing. On the steady beating of his heart, until he was sure that the longed-for numbness in him would return and drive away this unpleasant, oppressive feeling. Did time really heal all wounds, as they used to say? Even if it had been time itself that had once inflicted them?

Sometime in the early morning hours Sehun finally fell into a dreamless sleep. A few hours later, however, he was rudely awakened again by his father Jiyong, who had strangely stormed into his son's room and rushed to the other end of the room with thumping steps to push aside the drawn curtains with a jerk. Mercilessly, the sun's glaring light flooded his room, so that he turned around humming and threw the blanket over his head to shield himself from it. 

Unfortunately, however, his father remained stubborn and tugged at the ceiling, shook him and shouted "Wake up!" over and over again until Sehun could no longer stand it and opened his eyes in resignation. »What's wrong?«, he growled sleepily and drove himself nervously through his face. »It's about time - we have to leave in two hours.«, his father, however, only gave cryptically and tried... he tried to grin? Sehun, who felt alarmed by this untypical behavior of his father, flinched slightly. Something was wrong. 

Damn it, something was very wrong. First of all, since when did his father come into his room to pull the curtains aside and wake him up? Sehun could not remember a single time. Second, when did his father become so.. so nice? Jiyong and nice? No, it just didn't go together. And three, what the hell was he talking about?! Leaving in two hours? »Going where?«, he hesitantly asked. His confusion was hard to ignore. »You'll see soon enough. Let's go.«, came another meaningless answer from his father. With a last slap on Sehun's arm, Jiyongs finally turned away and left his son partly sleepy and with an uncomprehending expression on his face.

Sehun wrinkled his forehead overstrained and was sure that a huge question mark hovered over his head. Had his father forgotten to take his pills or what had suddenly got into him? Well, it must have been the devil himself - Sehun could not explain it any other way. His father had had another one of his great ideas. Unfortunately, as he had to add, because these great ideas were far too often anything but that - Sehun knew that only too well. How could some people be so presumptuous and ruthless like his father?

But somehow he could have imagined that once again decisions would be made over his head and Sehun would become the victim of the whole thing. Jiyong had brought his son to Tokyo of all places. To Tokyo - to the family's vacation estate. Of course, many thoughts and memories rushed into Sehun's head at the same time, leaving the first deep crack in his thick layer of cotton wool. And when his father then announced with a beaming smile that Sehun would live there from now on and that he would move to a school in the surrounding area starting in the coming school year, an initial emotion finally rushed over his face. It had been anger.

He was so angry, mad and angry at his father that he experienced an outburst of emotion for the first time in weeks. He was furious that his father sent him away from home in a brazen manner, deported him, as he had done with Minho at that time. Moreover, he could have exploded with anger because his father had chosen the most impossible place of all for it. Tze, as if there wasn't enough room in this fucking world! He just couldn't believe it - of all places he was supposed to live in the holiday home. Where it all started weeks ago. 

Where he had organized this party, met this strange boy with the green eyes and one day later his brother. Damn. »You can forget that.« Sehun yelled at the top of his voice and wanted to slap Jiyong like an insect against the windshield of his BMW. His father, however, remained completely calm and answered his son in a relaxed tone of voice that it was finally time for him to get his life back in order. And that he thought that a new beginning would be just the right thing to do. »I know this is sudden, but I only want your best.«, he finally tried to give in after a while - but he achieved the exact opposite. Sehun's eyebrows twitched threateningly.

»Oh yes, and my best is to be deported, like Minho back then. You're so right, of course.« Sehun grinned cynically and clenched his hands into fists. He found it so ridiculous what explanations his father had come up with, after all, the matter was obvious to him: Sehun was slowly but surely becoming too tiresome and therefore had to be disposed of as soon as possible. Whereby "deported“ only referred to the place of residence. Nevertheless, he suddenly felt like a bio-waste collecting in front of him, which only increased his anger.

Jiyong flinched at his son's harsh reproaches and suddenly seemed strangely dejected. How dare his son accuse him of such things! »You think I really deported Minho?«, he asked hesitantly. »What else would you call it?« Challengingly Sehun's eyes sparkled at his father. »I don't know, what do you call it when you grant your son a wish? Certainly not deportation.«, he defended himself and didn't really know whether he should feel offended or angry about these reproaches. Somehow he did both in equal measure.

For a brief moment, Sehun's features began to slip away as his father's words slowly sank through to him. Until he finally remembered. when his father had explained to him the reasons for Minho's departure. »You said it was his duty, not his wish.« Sehun objected. Jiyong laughed. »One doesn't necessarily exclude the other.« »You are lying.« Sehun interjected. After all, it had to be this way - never in his life would Minho have left voluntarily or deliberately. Yes, as long as he believed that, everything his father said was nothing but a big lie. 

And he'd do the Devil any more than he'd ever give his father one tiny bit of faith. »Well, if you say so.« Jiyong sneered and immediately struck a colder tone, while building up threateningly in front of his son. »You stay here anyway, and I will not engage in any discussion with you. After all, it's up to you to fulfill this duty - as you say - and I expect you to go to school regularly and graduate.« »Or what?« Sehun tried to provoke him, but Jiyong didn't go for it. Much to Sehun's regret. 

»You will receive the rest of your things in the course of the week, I have already taken care of the registration at school and I will transfer money to you monthly.«, he merely enumerated before he turned away from his son and returned to his car. Sehun wanted to protest, just didn't want to put up with this impudence, but his father had long since got into the car and had let the engine roar. 

At that moment Sehun could understand to some extent how it must have felt for a dog that was tied to a lamppost somewhere in the middle of nowhere and never picked up again because it had become too strenuous for its owners. It had just happened to him. And this was truly anything but pleasant.

The next day, after Sehun had spent the first night completely alone in this much too big villa, the anger about his father was already smoky again. Instead, his protective numbness had begun to slowly fill the crack that had formed in the cotton wool. After all, it was neither in Sehun's power nor did he have the strength to resist the will of his father. So why not bow down right away? In the past, he might have done it; to fight it with his hands and feet - well, I'm pretty sure he would have done it, but now it seemed completely impossible for him to do anything, anything at all. 

The only thing he could do was try to accept and close the crack in his shield as soon as possible. Because where there were cracks, feelings could seep through far too easily. Feelings, memories, and pain that would be released. Unfortunately, there was one problem with this whole thing: Namely the holiday home. How could he not feel reminded of anything there, when he could literally hear the voices of the past? How could he prevent painful thoughts from creeping in, when he connected so many details of his past life to it?

Well, Sehun saw only one solution - everything that reminded him of anything, tormented and persecuted him, belonged removed without exception. It didn't matter if it was the family photo taken years ago when the family had actually been one, or if it was the old, blue-grey rug rug in one of the rooms where his brother and he used to squat to play. Or the spotted sofa in the salon where this one a strange boy had sat a good half year ago. Everything had to go. Everything belonged banished from this house.

Without hesitation Sehun set to work on it and it had taken two damn days until he finally got rid of everything. Two days in which his protective mantle had gotten more and more fine cracks. Because as soon as he had stowed an apparently useless or unimportant part into one of the boxes, he already had the next one in his hand. And with almost every part of it he associated some kind of memory.

Yes, it had been two days full of melancholy for Sehun - the now second feeling after the anger towards his father, which had fought its way a little way through to him and also found it. But at the same time Sehun felt strangely liberated after these two days. As if a huge ballast had fallen from him that had prevented him from breathing more freely for weeks. And even if the house now seemed desolate, uninhabited or just empty to outsiders - for him it was perfect as it was. 

The ghosts of the past would probably never disappear completely, but now that he had gotten rid of most of the junk, he could at least halfway come into harmony with himself and his current life. And start rebuilding the protective cotton wool around him, because as long as he had it, everything was okay. As long as he had it, he was satisfied. Too bad that this didn't last for so long.

For how cruelly could life and time play with you? Was this his punishment for the crap of the past years or why did it happen again and again, when he was really close to living halfway, that another setback hit him? Damn it, it just wasn't fair - first nothing happened for years and then within a very short time everything happened one after another. Where were the balanced portions left, huh? Well, Sehun's middle name must have been 'bad luck', how else could he explain that his first day at the new school had become a nightmare for him? Yes, that's right - a nightmare.

Admittedly, at first he had felt the tepid feeling of nervousness in his stomach when he had waited for his teacher outside the locked door of his new classroom. After all, he hadn't looked at any school from the inside for a long, long time, not to mention the fact that he hadn't read a book for half an eternity. And now a new school year began - with complete strangers, who probably all knew each other and he the fresh meat. But New-Sehun would not be New-Sehun if he was so easily upset about it. 

No, he even had good intentions for a change: He wanted to push through this coming year by all means - without playing hooky or even returning to his old life. After all, that life belonged to the past, just like the unwanted memories of his brother. If only everything hadn't been easier said than done - of all the billions of people on this damned planet - this one, certain boy had to meet him again. And then he was also in his class! Sehun was sure that somewhere in this universe time fell from his chair laughing when he saw Sehun's face, because of course he had been anything but happy about this unexpected reunion. 

Cursed, if he had been able to, he would have left again as soon as possible. But he was no longer that person, he tried to convince himself. He was now someone who prevented things from happening before they happened, so that he would not have to suffer any consequences afterwards. Prevention instead of intervention was the motto - that's why he put all his eggs in one basket and tried to make a bad impression on himself right from the start, hopefully to keep everything and everyone and especially him away from himself.

Because, basically, it just had to be done, didn't it? If he could banish all things from his house so that his memories would not come back, then surely he could also deliberately remove people from his environment, couldn't he? Then he certainly didn't need to take special care to keep his protective cloak on and could concentrate on school instead, couldn't he? Yes, that idea sounded promising.

When his new class teacher asked him to introduce himself to the class, Sehun had already made a decision. He had to keep the others away from him at all costs. That's why he took a deep breath before he began to speak. »My name is Oh Sehun, I'm eighteen and you better don't get on my nerves.« The outraged gasp of air from his future classmates confirmed that his plan was already bearing fruit. And this certainty reassured him immensely.

Well, but just as Sehun knew life and especially time by now, these two already had a trump card up their sleeves and most likely rubbed their hands like sneaky flies, because this trump card was hard to beat in cunning and bad taste. "his" boy, turned out to be a certain Byun Baekhyun. How did he know that? Well, he had heard his friend, who was sitting next to him, gossiping with another girl before. And just this friend told the other girl that she had to organize the two back seats at the window for herself and Baekhyun. 

At first, he didn't think anything of it, he simply stamped it for pointless girl talk, especially since he didn't have a clue who this Baekhyun was at all. But now, when he discovered them, he counted one and one together. Well, basically, it shouldn't have mattered to him what the boy's name was - after all, he had planned to avoid him in the future. However, life thwarted his plans.

The class teacher, Sehun had unfortunately forgotten his name, asked each student to pull a piece of paper from a box with a number written on it - and based on these numbers, the students were divided into groups for community projects, which they had to work out for the rest of the school year. 

Sehun, of course, had pulled the thirteen - just like Baekhyun. Soberly seen, this situation could not have been better than comedy, and if Sehun would have been able, he would have burst into laughter and patted the time appreciatively on the shoulder. To his amazement, however, it was his boy who did this. Baekhyun laughed as if he had just heard the best joke ever after her teacher had read the names of the groups. He almost looked like a lunatic, but at the same time Sehun was too fascinated by his laughter, because it didn't look artificial or even fake compared to the laughter in his house at that time, but real. Pure and liberating, as if he had not laughed from the bottom of his heart for years.

Sehun suddenly shook his head, though, when he caught himself staring at Baekhyun. Damn it, he just couldn't let anything in there please him! Or that he soon had to spend more time with this boy than he had ever wanted to. No, instead he had to try to get his head out of the noose as quickly and as timely as possible. After the boy's laughter had faded away, Sehun finally and therefore spoke up and hoped that his harsh words would be successful once more.

»I prefer to work alone.«, he said. »He would only stand in my way.« and pointed to Baekhyun, who was just about to wipe a tear of laughter from the corner of his eye. Happy with himself because he was already feeling safe again, Sehun leaned a little deeper into his chair. The boy, however, suddenly jumped up as if stung by a tarantula and snorted. An angry sparkle flashed in his brown eyes while he fixed Sehun with his chin raised.

»I think that if anyone is standing in the way of anyone here, it's you.«, he poisoned back - or at least tried to do so, for his soft, bell-like voice echoed in his ears like the call of a charming angel. Admittedly, the way he rebelliously opposed him impressed him immensely - for he had never before experienced anyone opposing him. The challenge in his gaze and in his words had been anything but that - and strangely enough, he seemed to like it as well. »Oh, yeah?«, he asked icily and now also jumped out of his chair. »I'm sorry, but I so don't care what you think.«

With these words and gestures, which were intended to make his obvious aversion all too clear, the first impression was finally sealed: Baekhyun and the rest of the class must now consider him the world's biggest asshole. And that was a damn good thing - after all, he hadn't intended anything else. Baekhyun loathed him, showed it all the more clearly with his looks and in the following hours and days he also tried to stay true to his dismissive behavior. Always with the intention "prevention instead of intervention" in mind.

For a while, this plan seemed to work out well, because apart from a few more or less embarrassing incidents with Baekhyun, the two stayed as far away from each other as possible and thus the memories of that time almost completely disappeared. Until the Friday of the first school week. Since the two were unfortunately chosen as project partners, they were forced to work together sooner or later. 

Sehun remarked to his boy that he clearly couldn't claim to go to the ceiling in delight about these future hours together - quite the contrary.Sehun couldn't remember for the life of him what devil he had been riding when he finally agreed to sit down with Baekhyun after an angry exchange of blows with him on Friday after school to study. 

It was just that, as strange as it may sound, he enjoyed getting Baekhyun upset. He liked it too much to see whenever the first vein of anger began to pulsate on his forehead and how his brown eyes always darkened with rage after he had upset him with a single word. Or when that cute wrinkle formed between his eyes while he squeezed his eyebrows together far too violently. Yes, Sehun had truly found something like his pleasure in annoying Baekhyun.

Unfortunately, and that was the only thing that put a damper on Sehun's mood, Baekhyun discovered that he could also make him gnash his teeth in anger and that he didn't react as resolutely and unresponsive to biting comments on his part as he always tried to make it seem by his indifferent appearance. Well, to be fair, he had to admit that this anger had been completely different from the one he had always felt with his father. 

Rather, it was something like a gratifying anger, if there really was such a thing, because insanely, the aftertaste of that anger always elicited an amused grin from him. He really had to admit to himself that these quarrels with Baekhyun were more important to him than anything else in his current life. He was fascinated by his manner, this fake smile he had put on all day long, but even more by his anger he saw bubbling under his pretty surface every time. Or the glowing crackle in his eyes that he could draw out of his seemingly perfect masquerade whenever he looked at him. 

Not only once Sehun caught himself late at night while he was lying in his bed and threw a tennis ball against the wall as usual - this habit had somehow manifested itself into a daily ritual that his otherwise empty and lost thoughts kept turning around Baekhyun. Why did he try so hard to fool everyone else? Or why did only he seem to succeed in gaining a glimpse behind this facade? Damn, why did he have to think about him all the time?

It was strange, just odd. How did this boy manage to make his thoughts circulate in such a way when he had sworn to himself that nothing and no one would succeed in breaking through his self-imposed and at the same time protective layer of deaf cotton wool? How on earth did he manage it? And why did he not resist?

It was the day Sehun accompanied him home after the party in El Dorado and when he more or less involuntarily 'met' Baekhyun's mother afterwards, when Sehun's protective cotton wool suddenly split into two halves for good. When feelings never felt penetrated him, overtook him, while he saw Baekhyun's hurt, almost desperate expression on his face. And it was also the day when he suddenly realized that not only he had worn a mask for protection for the longest time because something bad had happened to him, but also Baekhyun. 

Something must have happened that tormented him to this day, there was no doubt about that anymore when he heard the horrified voice of Baekhyun, while she had called the neglected woman with a crazy look, who had demolished the whole furniture in her home, »Mum«. Sehun didn't know the exact circumstances for this behavior, he was afraid to ask for it, too, while he would have liked to pull the boy protectively into his arms, but he realized that Baekhyun must have fallen victim to the time as much as he once did himself. 

And that was something very decisive, this realization, because through it he noticed that the two of them had long since shared a strong bond with each other. That their lives and their pain were irretrievably intertwined. Sehun and Baekhyun - both broken, branded and disfigured by the scars of the past. And no, not even time would ever be able to close these wounds again.

But fortunately there was something that was much stronger than time could ever be. A power more intoxicating, more invigorating and more dangerous than all the feelings and pain in the world put together. Supernatural, like creatures from the faraway world of a fantasy novel, and yet the most human feeling of all. It was the comforting warmth that could dispel any bitterness, the intimate touch of trust that could make the fallen stand up again and the comforting security of being close to another person, which without exception could make any wound heal.

An affection that suddenly stood above all other things and could save Sehun's heart from all the pain of his past. He would never forget his brother, he never intended to, but at least he wanted to take the first step back into life again sometime. He didn't want to be just a shell anymore, a shadow that walked on this world. No, he wanted to live. Indeed, and with all the feelings that this life had to offer him.

He had almost forgotten something very important in all the painful time after Minho's death - he realized this when he had been standing in the midst of the ruins of Baekhyun's home. His brother had even been happy until the bitter end. Despite his pain. Minho had simply accepted it because the reunion and this last moment with him had made him infinitely happy. His beaming smile, which had been Minho's last goodbye, was proof enough for him. And what did one live for if not for that?

Exactly for the sake of happiness and because Baekhyun had helped him to this realization, had unconsciously relieved his pain, that's why he wanted to do the same for him now. He wanted to prevent at all costs that he himself might perish from his pain. That he would continue to make the same mistake he had made by closing his own feelings forever. After all, Baekhyun was broken, just like him. An abandoned man, who had nothing left, except a thick layer of deafness cotton wool, which got more and more cracks.

The happy, liberating and lively laughter of his boy suddenly meant so much more to Sehun than his own pain, so that he could no longer stand idly by and watch Baekhyun and himself being unhappy.

And damn - who knew how much time they would have left to be happy?


	20. The first step to happiness

I stared silently onto my hands after Sehun's words and with them the small glimpse into his life, which he had granted me through it, had faded away. And somehow this sudden silence between us felt strangely trodden upon. This openness and his trust, which he had shown me apparently out of the blue, surprised and amazed me immensely, but at the same time the tragedy about the death of his brother shook me immensely. 

Now how should I have reacted appropriately? What should I have said to him? It was as if all my vocabulary was suddenly missing, for I could not think of words of compassion, nor could I think of words of comfort - and so I had no choice but to stare silently at my hands, folded in my lap, and allow this moment to expand into endless minutes of silence. I didn't even dare to give Sehun a single glance - for fear of seeing something in his facial expressions that would only have shocked me even more.

Again and again he had had to interrupt his own flow of speech in order to take a deep breath before he could continue - and every time I risked a glimpse of him, I could read the full extent of his blatant pain and grief from his face. He hadn't tried to hide it behind his usual, seemingly calm facade, but had deliberately allowed it to exist and displayed it openly. And this pain, which he made understandable to me through his words and the sad smile on his lips, hurt even me terribly. But at the same time I admired that very openness. 

What did I do to deserve this? What had I done to earn such great trust? Well, the answer was obvious - because Sehun had told me more and more and gradually it dawned on me who this one, strange boy from his past was. The boy with the brown eyes, who had been grieving and had stared like a pile of misery into a glass that was still almost full, and thus made Sehun's view of the world falter for a short moment. The boy, who a few months later had unexpectedly become one of his classmates.

Me.

Unfortunately, I couldn't remember our very first meeting. If I understood correctly, it had been right here. In the holiday estate that was also his home now - and damn it, I wasn't even aware until recently that I had been here months ago, which was probably because a lot had changed since then. I mean, with the lack of furniture and all. After all, Sehun had thrown out everything that reminded him too much of his brother after his father had brought him here to Tokyo, and that also explained why everything here felt so empty and almost lifeless to me at first. 

Nevertheless, this realization struck me like an anvil weighing several tons in an old cartoon that falls out of the clouds completely unexpectedly. I was the boy... me. Damn, what was that all about? »I want to be happy again at last - I only realized that because of you.« Sehun's rough, soft voice suddenly broke the silence. »And I want you to be the same. That we just find a reason to live again, do you understand?«

Yes, I understood. I knew only too well what he was talking about, after all, the same subject had been occupying my mind for quite some time. The freedom to feel carefree, to simply be happy - I had been dreaming about this ever since I learned the truth about my 'parents' and thus had to deal with the question over and over again who I actually was. Or where I belonged. Heavens, I understood him better than anyone else could ever have done. So I nodded. »And I think - no - I know that I can be happy with you.«, he continued unhindered, after he had paused for a moment. »Baekhyun, I...«

Awkwardly he grabbed my suddenly sweaty hands, which made me finally dare to look up at him again and my heart immediately started fluttering around in my chest in a completely uncoordinated way. The cool urgency, this almost insurmountable determination in his eyes told me that he wanted to tell me something incredibly important. But the very determination of his gaze, which almost completely covered his pain, made my own insecurity suddenly shoot into my consciousness. I knew what he wanted to tell me. 

Knew what he wanted to confess to me - but damn it, it all just happened too fast, too hastily. »Please - don't say it.«, I begged with a tremor in my voice and turned my gaze away from him again in shame. Or rather, in an act of desperation, I squeezed my eyes together in panic, as tightly as if this could rewind the past moment like a video film. Oh God, where was that emergency stop button when you needed it the most? Sehun's grip around my hands, which had felt like a grazing touch before, became stronger. At the same time I could hear his soft sigh.

»Why don't you want to hear it?«, he asked me accusingly and increased the pressure of his grip again. »Damn, I want to confess here that I've fallen in love with you and you don't want to hear it?!«, my head suddenly became completely empty - and my insecurity vanished suddenly with the strong breeze of my frightened awakening. Jerkily I opened my eyes again and looked at him, noticing the soft red shimmer on his cheeks and the sincere confession in his eyes. It was like a lightning bolt to me.

All the tingling suddenly came together - to a shock that raced to the centre of my chest and squeezed all the air out of my lungs. And for a tiny moment I feared that I would forget how to breathe forever. What did he say? In love? Sehun was... in love... with me? The word echoed in my head and for an endless, moment my heart refused to beat, until it resumed its roar. Meanwhile, I opened my mouth to reply, but I could hardly think of a reasonable thought - so how could I have made even the slightest sound?

In panic and because I didn't know what else to do at that moment, I released my hands from Sehun's grip and pressed them against his chest to increase this sudden, crushing closeness between us. In love? Damn, I needed space to think! Sehun, however, did not move an inch away from me. Just as well I could have tried to move a boulder from the spot - with the difference that boulders were not warm. And they didn't smell so damn sensual like forest, fresh rain in summer and a shot of lime.

Also, boulders usually did not send showers through my whole body and did not cause a tingling sensation down to the tips of my toes. I swallowed and felt a lump form in my stomach. I froze for a moment, motionless and undecided as to what I should do now, until Sehun beat me to it and embraced my face with his hands. »Did you hear what I told you?«, I heard his voice as if through a thick wall. My heart was pounding too loud. I didn't answer, just kept looking at him in astonishment. 

Sehun smiled suddenly, fine and hardly noticeable, while he stroked my lips carefully with his thumb. »Or have you lost your voice.« he teased me, kept poking his thumb against my mouth and his voice suddenly sounded terribly sexy in my ears. I closed my eyes to count to ten mentally, to remember what I should do, but if I was honest with myself, I only did it to be able to feel his feather-light touch more intensely. Yes, I enjoyed it, tried to memorize this moment exactly and shivered.

In love... Damn, the ice on which I moved was thin, exceptionally thin, and Sehun approached me from moment to moment, making my skin glow with the glancing breeze of his breath until his sudden kiss hit me like a raindrop in the desert and the taste of his lips melted the thin ice. I forgot that I actually wanted to think, forgot all the thoughts that flooded my head like a grid of shadows and rays of light and could only concentrate on that kiss.

It tasted sweet and wild, like warm milk with honey and the fresh air after a rain shower. I was unable to resist, clawed my hands into his shirt and let me fall backwards onto the sofa while Sehun followed me. Tenderly his lips moved on mine, taking the lead. He didn't rush, took his time and I was sure that he enjoyed this kiss as much as I did. His moaning against my mouth as I moved my hands up his chest and felt the tender skin of his neck with my fingertips was proof enough.

»I want to be happy with you.«, he begged between our kisses. Insistent and hoarse with a hint of wickedness in his voice. Was he really trying to convince me by such simple means? »Baekhyun...« - Ah, damn, even my name was like a kiss. A sensual collection of sounds as he parted from my lips and kissed his way to my neck. I moaned and buried my hands in the soft ends of his hair. 

He muttered my name over and over again, kissed my neck slowly, drew the B over my collarbone with his tongue, opened his lips for the vowel, and with a hot hissing sound, expelled the rest of the name. Small fires seemed to light up on my skin, burning straight into my heart. And then, great God, and then the clarity hit me like a thud. He did not need to convince me, for he had already won.

The events of the past two days had been a single chain of small insights, to which new links were added hourly - and this kiss had finally given me the final push. Because here, in the semi-darkness, where there was only him and me and this much too small sofa, I actually admitted it to myself for the very first time. I wanted to be just as happy - with him and only him, because I had fallen in love with Sehun. I was in love with him as he was with me. His caresses on my skin and lips were like a dark secret, an attack that had crushed my will. 

And not even the thought of Jisoo could keep me away from Sehun now. I took a deep breath, enjoyed his lips for a last moment before I gently pressed him away from me and looked straight at him. His pupils were dilated and his hot breath was heavy. In the spirit I repeated my thoughts again, then spoke them out softly. Just a whisper that went through the air like a breeze. »I'm in love with Sehun.« It was so easy - too easy. I almost laughed out loud, I felt so silly, so relieved. 

I felt as if I had spent years of my life desperately clinging to a rope that hung in the air and swung back and forth with every fickle breeze - only to finally let go and land a few meters below on solid ground unharmed. I finally knew what I wanted, finally knew what I felt. And yet I was no longer afraid of it. I was ready to accept any obstacle to change my life - just to finally be happy. With him, because I was in love with Sehun. He looked at me in astonishment.

»Say that again.«, he asked, stunned. I smiled and straightened myself into an upright position. Sehun did the same, while he did not take his eyes off me for a single second. »Not yet.«, I said, driving nervously through my still damp hair. There was something I had to do before I could tell Sehun my feelings without shyness or a guilty conscience, because as soon as I actually told him face to face, something final would follow. 

Something I couldn't take back, and that's exactly why I had to settle things between me and Jisoo first, had to take on the burden of breaking up and just couldn't hide from being honest anymore, because the longer I hesitated, the worse it would get in the end. »I will go to Jisoo now.«, I enlightened him about that when I felt his questioning look on me. »And I will explain everything to him, because you know what? You were right, all your assumptions were right. I' ve been hiding my wishes and feelings behind a fake smile for far too long. It's finally time to do something about it.«

Although I was of course scared to face Jisoo and tell her straight to her face that I had fallen in love with someone else. And even though it almost tore my heart apart just thinking about how unhappy it would make her, I still didn't want to let Jisoos' feelings be taken lightly. After all, she was still a friend to me and I hadn't forgotten that fact. If I could not give her my sincere feelings or my faithfulness, which I had long since broken, then I owed her at least my honesty as the very last act of friendship. 

Not only for my conscience, but also for her future - because Jisoo just couldn't be happy with me in the long run. She needed to know so she could get away from me. So that she could find the boy she really deserved and who could make her really happy. And then, after I had confessed everything to Jisoo - yes, only then could I confess to Sehun what I really felt for him. Only then could I take the next step to bring me closer to the fulfillment of my wishes.

»You mean by 'now' not surely... _now_ , don't you?« Sehun asked me almost without understanding, causing me to unconsciously raise my eyebrows. »What's wrong with that?«, I asked. My decision had finally been made long ago: it had to be today - I couldn't go on using this 'later', which had prevented me from taking this step for weeks, as a lapidary excuse. And in principle I didn't want it any more. »Then do me a favor and put on something dry.«, he said, pointing at me with a gesture of his hand, whereupon I caught a glimpse of my clothes, which still stuck to me like a second skin thanks to the swimming pool I had unintentionally bathed in. 

»Well thank you very much..« I murmured before clearing my throat. »I don't have anything dry, since you had the smart idea to throw me and my backpack into that damn pool!« Sehun then smiled in his very special, mischievous way and most likely he imagined my stupidly surprised face again while I gave him a poisonous look in this moment. But actually I had forgiven him again. What did this jerk have to be so damn irresistible? Sehun meant to wait for a moment before he sprinted out of the room and not a minute later returned to me with a shirt and jogging pants. 

Murmuring, I thanked him after he had wordlessly pressed the clothes into my hand and left the room again so that I could change in peace. Well, except for the fact that his shirt was up to my knees and I had to roll up these sweatpants so that I didn't accidentally trip over them, this outfit fitted me like a glove. And instantly I felt much better - not least because Sehun's unique smell, which was attached to my clothes, immediately got into my nose. I stood in front of the mirror in the entrance area and tried to correct my blurred make-up with my fingers.

Fortunately, the extent of the horror was limited and I didn't make the terribly impression that I had feared in advance. However, when I unconsciously tried to reach for my mobile phone in my trouser pocket to look at my watch, I suddenly froze in the middle of my movement. Of course I did not find it in Sehun's fresh tracksuit trousers, I feared something bad when I panicked and rushed to my backpack to look for it. 

What if it was damaged? I was sure that it - just like everything else - got completely soaked and accordingly my hope for a miracle was limited. 

But somehow I could not find it. I rummaged and rummaged through the stuff in my backpack, but no trace of my smartphone. Damn, had it possibly fallen out on the way? Feverishly I began to think about it, even biting my lower lip painfully, until I remembered that I had not even taken my mobile phone with me. Because if I was quite relaxed, it must have been in my dirty pants, which I had worn at the party last night and changed in my bathroom this afternoon after I had secretly climbed through the window. And it should still be there now with a dead battery. I exhaled with relief. 

At the same time Sehun entered the room again to look at me with an amused face. »Laugh all you want.«, I hissed, as I immediately felt like a sack of potatoes in Sehun's far too wide clothes. »But I swear - one day you'll get it all back!« »Why?«, he raised his hands defensively, sounding like innocence itself. »I didn't say anything.« Grumbling I turned away and stuffed my stuff back into my backpack. At some point, I swore to myself again in my mind before I pulled the zipper with a jerk. Suddenly I felt two strong arms closing around my middle from behind and Sehun's chin resting on my shoulder.

»Do you have any idea how much I like to see you in my clothes?«, he whispered close to my ear before a hot and cold shiver went down my entire back and made me tremble. »Nonsense.« I whimpered nervously and tried to peel myself out of his embrace. Damn, why did I feel like an intimidated little schoolgirl every time I was near him? Sehun inhaled noisily, breathed a feathery kiss on the naked skin of my neck before he finally released me again. I immediately missed the warmth of his closeness and my whole being seemed to protest about it.

»Not yet?«, he reminded me, thus releasing me from my rigidity and trying to put this desire for him aside for the time being. »Yes, not yet.«, I agreed with him - not least to concentrate on my plans for Jisoo again. I tensed my shoulders and nodded to myself with courage. I can do that, I told myself over and over again as I put on my shoes and timidly opened the front door. Shortly before I left Sehun's house, however, I turned to him.

»Can I come back later.«, I asked hesitantly - and from the look in his eyes I knew immediately that this question was completely superfluous. Because of course I was allowed to. I even had to. Grinning, I finally turned away and closed the door behind me. _I can do that!_ , I tried to calm my heart pounding with fear, which hammered stronger and stronger the closer I came to Jisoo's home. And just because I had this certainty that Sehun and I were only separated by this very last step on my part, I knew that I really had to go through with it.

There was simply no turning back - because I fell in love with Sehun


	21. Every beginning is hard, but without it there would be no end

From a distance I could already see the contours of Jisoo's home and immediately my excited, almost hectic pace slowed down by itself.

At first, after I had left Sehun's house, I couldn't find my way around the strange environment he lived in, had lost all sense of orientation again and was almost about to bite my own ass because of my haste and just turn around. But even before I could get further annoyed with myself, maybe even lost my way, I had fortunately found my way back to the main road, which was still very busy, so that it was now easier for me to orientate myself at least halfway.

From then on, Jisoo's house was only a cat's jump away, as I noticed surprisingly. But exactly from that point on, the last, final meters that had to be overcome and which now separated me from my new life, began for me at the same time. And somehow it made me feel as if I was in a medieval gauntlet. With every step I took, my heart weighed several tons heavier in my chest, and with every meter my fear increased dangerously.

I knew why I was doing it, I also knew why I had to do it, but there was still that little bit of cowardice in me that wanted to stop my plans at all costs and that tried to push me against the direction I had decided on.It was as if I was now walking down the road of my life as I moved closer and closer to the home of Jisoo. But just before I reached it, the road suddenly split into two forks. The first led into a bright, light-filled corridor where I had nothing to fear and which represented my entire life so far.

So if I chose this path, I could turn back at the very last minute and continue my life as I knew it without any problems. The other fork, however, was dark, cold and incredibly scary - at least that's how it felt to me. It was also the turnoff that led directly to my friend's house and if I should actually decide to go this way, I did not know where it would lead me in the end. What would become of my life - how much of it would change? My future, in any case, lay beyond the dark path, I knew that.

I could feel it from the depths of my soul and yet there was that cowardice in me. And the fear that tried to persuade me for the obviously easier of the two ways. That fear that wanted me to pull the emergency brake again and cowardly and thus flee from all changes. And for the tender moment of a moment I was even briefly willing to let this cowardice guide me. But then... then I remembered Sehun. That impudent and yet wonderful jerk for whom I felt so much and through whom I regained all my long-forgotten hope.

Through him I had learned that sometimes it was worth taking the plunge into cold water, because even if I decided to take the seemingly easier, brighter and less dangerous way, at the end of it all that awaited me was a big room full of emptiness. And if I had reached this at the end of my life, I would look back in me full of pangs of conscience, loathe myself for my cowardice and die without ever really having lived - I was sure of that. Because what was it called again? Appearances are deceptive, aren't they? And so did this seemingly uncomplicated way.

That's why I had to choose the dark path, no matter what, I had already done it. Even if I did not know where it would take me, let alone how much it would change my life, I was quite sure that at the end of this path there would be no dangerous monsters, no daring traps, no room full of emptiness waiting for me. No, at the end of the dark path there was only Sehun and his tender, warming embrace, for which it was always worth taking this step into the unknown.

With all my courage and all my hope, I finally overcame this last hurdle and plunged with fervent determination into the darkness of the veiled fork in the road. Shortly afterwards I pressed the button of the bell when I arrived at the locked door of Jisoo's home. My breath suddenly became hard and shaky, while muffled sounds, as someone echoed through the room with echoing steps, penetrated through the door from the inside. My cowardice sent a queasy feeling into my stomach and screamed at me again and again in desperation to turn back on the spot.

But it was too late - a soft beam of light crept out of the house when Jisoo finally opened the door a crack wide. Now there was no turning back. The time of change had finally, finally arrived. »B-Baek?«, I heard the confusion in her voice. I looked up and immediately met the questioning look of her brown eyes, which carefully glanced out through the gap in the door. But I couldn't resist them for a long time and so I lowered my eyes nervously to the ground. _What could I say now?_ , it shot through my head in panic, overflowing with sudden thoughts.

Damn it, I should have at least come up with some approximate wording in advance. I used to do that whenever I was faced with difficult situations: I would go through different possible scenarios in my mind again and again and think about which reactions would have been the most appropriate at the given time. But now my mind seemed to have let me down, while every muscle in my body was cramping and an uncontrolled tremor was running down my arms. I took a sharp breath, tried to calm myself down and direct all my thoughts towards Sehun and my intention.

_Sehun_ , I thought desperately and in the next moment I could see his shadowy figure in my mind's eye. He stretched out his arm towards me, smiled encouragingly and immediately an undreamed-of wave of warmth and confidence flooded through me. It was as if a heavy chunk fell from me, which took away some of the tension. I nodded gratefully before I finally turned my full attention back to Jisoo. »Hey.«, I greeted him in a fragile voice and nodded embarrassedly on the wide sleeve of my shirt. »Sorry I'm late.. can I come in?« A second of hesitation passed, then two, with Jisoo checking me out top to bottom.

Uncomfortably, I shifted the weight in my legs. »This is very bad right now.«, she said evasively, and suddenly avoided looking me straight in the eye. »Or did something happen?« »Yes.. ahm.« I stuttered confusedly. »I really need to talk to you, Jisoo.« »What's so important that it can't wait until tomorrow?«, she kept printing. Was it my imagination or was she trying to get rid of me? She used to be happy every time I came to see her, but now? Now her voice sounded sharper, almost dismissive. What was going on there? Did she know why I was here? Or did my senses just play a dirty trick on me?

»I want to explain that to you, but I can't do that between the knots - so please let me in.«, I asked her urgently and slightly anxious, as I had to confess. »I can’t.« Jisoo evaded me again. »I… I have a visitor right now.«, I paused and looked up at the sky. I did not know exactly what time it was, but the fact that the sun had set quite a while ago must have made it 'very late' by now. The night sky was overcast, but the clouds were so thin that the moonlight penetrated them as a faint silver glow.

So who was visiting Jisoo at this time of day? Could it be the same person who made him leave school yesterday in such a conspicuously unremarkable way? And most importantly, why wasn't I allowed to go in? »What…« I started and turned my eyes back to Jisoo, who seemed to be hiding behind the dark brown front door in front of me. »What kind of visit is this?« »Well.«, she replied stretched out and immediately I knew that she was deliberately hiding something from me. »That's so... Well…«, she cleared her throat. »Jisoo? Where did you put the T-shirt?«, suddenly another male voice came from inside her house, vaguely familiar to me.

Jisoo then lost all her facial features, while she gave me a caught look. I, on the other hand, froze into a pillar of salt. A boy was with her? »I'll be right there.«, she called back before she pushed herself faster than a torrent through the open crack of the door and closed it again behind her. Breathing quietly, she finally leaned her back against it. I did not only get to see her eyes, but her whole appearance and had to realize with great astonishment that Jisoo was only dressed with loose-fitting jeans and a belly-free top that could also be considered a bra

In addition, her hairstyle seemed more untidy than usual, while everything about her seemed jumpy and completely confused. It really didn't take a genius to put one and one together. »Are you hiding something from me?«, I said to her with a delay and almost laughed out loud. Ironic, isn't it, this whole situation right now? Jisoo gasped in shock. »Does it look like what it looks like?«, she asked in horror when she hadn't missed my look at her. »Because that's not how it is at all!« »Is it? I growled and crossed my arms in front of his chest. »I can't wait to hear the explanation.«

It was strange what feelings surrounded me at that moment. On the one hand I felt a sharp sting of jealousy surge up inside me, which - even if I was not a bit better myself - crawled up inside me. I mean, a strange boy, at this time of day, and a half-naked Jisoo? That could only mean one thing, right? Why else would she want to get rid of me again? But on the other hand, I felt something like relief inside of me - and that's what I hated myself most at that moment. It's bad enough that I wasn't actually allowed to blame her at all, should it really have been the way it seemed to me - but that I now felt relieved?

Relieved because it looked like Jisoo was cheating on me with another boy? How broken and sick was I actually? Damn, this whole moment completely threw me off my game. »If I explain this to you.« Jisoo started to run excitedly through his flaxen blonde hair. »then you must be mad at me.« So if I was right, I was left in no doubt. Jisoo and that boy… »So it's true then?«, I asked and wondered myself about this much to accuse tone in my voice. »NO!«, she immediately fought back loudly, but sighed afterwards and calmly continued, »This is all a big misunderstanding.« »Aha.« That's all I could think of for the life of me.

Damn it - I was here to break up with her, after all, because I was the one of us who had fallen in love with someone else, and yet here I was, with a reproachful expression on my face, insinuating that Jisoo knows what the hell. I mean, what was this? Some badly written book? A bad movie? Good God, if that was a joke, it really backfired. "What are you wearing?" Jisoo suddenly tried to change the subject and pointed at me with a slight nod. And what should I say?

She had complete success with it, because immediately the past hours came back to my mind - everything that had to do with Sehun and all my insights, but above all also my decision, because of which I was here in the first place. Nervously and partly also completely overstrained I began to chew on my lower lip. »Well.« I said sheepishly. »Well, that's just...« Waiting, Jisoo looked at me and my nervousness, which I wanted to suppress at all costs, suddenly came to the fore with full force.

So now I had to confess it to her, to break up with her. Here between door and angel, while in her house a strange boy was looking for his T-shirt. Damn it, what kind of situation was I in? That's not how I had imagined it at all, but hesitating was simply no longer an option - I knew that. Jisoo finally had to know the truth. I finally swallowed a big lump in my throat before I continued. »These- these are Sehun's things, because he threw me into the pool.«, I stuttered with a mad fear in my stomach. »The thing is that... I... he... and we both…«, I didn't know where to go with this tremor, which was now not only travelling over my arms, but now over my whole body.

However, I was interrupted again by a cutting hand movement from Naruto. »Wait a minute.«, he said. »You mean that asshole? Huh? Why did he throw you in the pool? Whose pool? I took one or two deep breaths in and out. »Well, into his pool.«, I finally confessed. »How did you get…?«, he started, but fell silent when he saw the look of remorse in my half-cocked eyes. »I see.« Really? I wondered in amazement as his words floated between us for an infinite moment, pressing my lips together in a straight line. Did he really know?

»I didn't hide anything from you, you hid it from me, right?«, she finally broke the silence again and delayed nodding. »And what exactly?«, she asked. A fleeting impulse within me wondered why Jisoo could seem to stay so calm, but it vanished relatively quickly when I noticed the silent disappointment in her eyes. I think Jisoo really knew. My lips then began to tremble as I desperately searched for the right words. »What exactly?«, she repeated insistently. I could hardly breathe, laid my hands flat on my stomach and tried desperately to hold back the sobs that were rising up my throat.

My heart hurt terribly, because I knew that I was now irrevocably cutting the bond that Jisoo and I shared. I was sure that even a friendship was not possible after that, but I simply had no other choice. I had to let him go. once and for all. »I'm so sorry.«, I reaffirmed again and again, while slowly but surely the first tears began to gather in my eyes. »I'm so incredibly sorry, Jisoo, but you have to know. I owe it to you. Sehun and I... we have...« »Found! I found it! Here's your...«, I suddenly heard that male voice again, which immediately directed my attention to the figure of the boy that appeared in the door frame.

Jisoo rowed wildly with her arms, because the opening of the door she had leaned against threw her completely out of balance. »...T-shirt.« he finished his sentence and breathed in noisily as he saw me - just as I did. I couldn't believe it - were my eyes deceiving me? Did my nervousness make me see illusions or was it really the school president Kim Junmyeon? What the hell...? »Oh.«, it came softly from his throat, while his cheeks turned dark red under my stare, »Good evening. Excuse me.« With one smooth movement, he bowed to me. My heart made a leap.

»Now you've ruined the surprise.« I suddenly heard Jisoo joking, which seemed extremely inappropriate given the situation. Embarrassed, I risked a look at her and noticed that she scratched her nose in an exaggerated way while she was obviously trying to keep her composure. Damn it, this heavy feeling in my stomach only intensified even more. »I'm sorry.« Junmyeon apologized immediately and I could swear he was a shade redder. »No don’t worry.«, she waved it off. »I'll just show him right now. I don't think I will be able to do it another time anyway.«

Before I could realize what was happening, let alone what the hell was being talked about, Jisoo had grabbed my arm and pulled me past Junmyeon into the interior of his house. She didn't even give me time to take off my shoes, but stubbornly directed me down the hall until we reached the opposite, locked sliding door and came to a halt again. Meanwhile my heart was beating wildly and my fear pulsed like poison in my veins. I was hardly able to grasp a clear thought. What had just happened there? What did she have to show whom and what did that have to do with me?

»Listen.«, I suddenly heard Jisoo's whisper as she turned her back to me. »I know what you want to tell me. To be honest, I've suspected it for some time.« The horror raced through me like lightning. »But.«, she went on. »Please don't think I'm going to cry about it.« With one quick movement, she turned back and revealed her most radiant smile. Disbelieving and shocked, my lips opened. »What...« I began. »Baekhyun, you love him, right?« How did she know?

»I know you.«, she kept saying, as if she had guessed my thoughts. »You probably don't think I do, but I don't. I know you, and I've clearly seen how different you are when... when he's near you.« My horror raced through me, flashing sparks and causing my stomach to ache. »Actually I wanted to show it to you tomorrow.«, she finally changed the subject and with a fleeting movement pushed aside the sliding door leading into the living room. »But I think we can make an exception once. Junmyeon helped me.«

With a wink she pushed me into the room. I almost tripped over my own feet, but I managed to catch myself in time. And when I looked up and realized what all this meant, this flash of horror reached its absolute climax. It struck right into my heart - with such force that it instantly burst into a thousand pieces. I saw Jisoo's living room. But this time it was different from anything I'd ever seen before. The light was dimmed to the extreme, just enough to make a faint, dark yellow glow dance from the ceiling.

All around the room, however, there were countless fibre optic lamps on all kinds of chests of drawers and shelves, whose fibres alternately threw blue, red, and even gold and silver shimmering splashes of colour onto the wall. In addition, glittering stars hung from the ceiling attached to transparent threads, which reflected this colorful light with breathtaking beauty. As I let my gaze wander and turned sideways to the left, I suddenly saw an equally colorful garland writing, framed by countless small LED lights, hanging across the wall. H a p p y B i r t h d a y !, seemed to scream at the top of my lungs.

I was staggered, speechless and breathless. And this heavy weight in my stomach threatened to crush me. Goddamn it, I couldn't let that happen. No. No! »I know you hate birthdays, but...« Jisoo started after an incredibly long moment of silence, before he slowly stood in front of me and hesitantly pulled me into his arms. »Happy birthday.«, I was unable to resist the tears that suddenly and without any warning poured down my face. The sharp parts into which my heart now burst left deep wounds, stabbing me again and again and hurting me more than I could ever express in words.

Carefully, Jisoo strengthened the embrace, while I believed that I would lose the ground under my feet at any moment, sink into a black abyss and never see the sun shining again. Because although Jisoo was now very close to me, so close that it took my breath away, I still felt exactly how far apart we had become. It was not a hug to show a friend that you were not alone with your pain, but one to say goodbye to a person. And that forever. »I wish you all the best, Baek.« Jisoo repeated close to my ear. »I hope you'll be happy. As long as you are, so am I.«

Her words sounded like a merciful lie in my ears, her uncontrolled trembling had betrayed her. I knew that she was only saying this to spare my feelings and perhaps even her feelings - and at this performance I felt sick. I would have loved to throw up, to watch myself dissolve into thin air, for I immediately realized that I simply had no right to stay at her side any longer. My insinuations earlier had all been wrong - she had done nothing. Nothing she had to feel guilty of.

Because, unlike me, he had thought of me and only for me and my birthday he had decorated this room in this way. It was touching and yet the sheer disgust towards myself crept over me. »You deserve better.«, I finally murmured brittlely. »I hate myself for doing this to you. Believe me, I hate myself - and I won't blame you if you hate me afterwards, too.«, I sobbed, shed one tear after another, hesitated, while all the beautiful moments I had experienced with her passed by me like a film.

Her wide smile, with the sun enviously fading. Her tough sayings, which showed me again and again, what joie de vivre was in her. And also her affection, which for a long time had been like a supporting pillar for me. All that was over now. For good. And from now on my whole life would change. With my last strength I finally gathered all my courage to sever our bond forever. I had to tell her, even if she already knew. I just had to tell her in my own words.

Clearly, so that both of us, and especially he, could eventually come to terms with it. Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, but I hoped that one day it would be. And until then, she was free to hate me. just as I despised myself for it. »Jisoo.« I said. »It's true what you said. It is all true. I... i've fallen in love with Sehun.« Everything in her tightened while the thousand pieces of my heart broke into smaller ones. »I know.«, she whispered and stroked briefly over my back. »And I am here to part with you.« Like shards of razor-sharp glass, the pieces of my heart pierced my flesh, leaving a gaping wound.

»I know.«, she repeated. Her voice was nothing more than a harsh croak as she shook her head again and again. »I'm so sorry, Jisoo.«, Her whole body vibrated as she was shaken by sobs. It hurt me so much to see her like that. So terribly painful to know that I was the reason. But what could I do? There was nothing I could do now to take away that pain. It was over. For the very last time she pressed me tightly to herself before she finally separated from me again and pushed me away at arm's length. With reddened eyes she looked at me.

He suddenly smiled. »I told you I wasn't gonna cry.«, I nodded lightly in agreement. Jisoo always found a relaxing saying even in the most shattering moments, even if you could see that she would have loved to break down screaming and crying - and I admired her for that. But her grin disappeared as quickly as it had come, before she finally let go of me completely and turned away from me. »Goodbye, Baekhyun.« it broke out of her in a choking sound as she wiped herself across her face. My eyes widened a little.

»You too.«, I breathed, before turning around and storming out of the house with wavering steps, leaving all our shared memories behind and just concentrating on doing one step at a time. It was actually over - and the bond we shared was destroyed. For good. As I walked past Junmyeon, who was still hovering uncertainly between the door, I gave him a haunting look and was relieved that Jisoo had someone with her right now who was there for her. Junmyeon obviously understood what I was trying to tell him and immediately started to move. I closed my eyes.

Who knows - maybe he was the one who could give Jisoo as much light in this dark moment like Sehun did for me? A comforting thought, isn't it?


	22. A bad surprise

The lights of the city, which tirelessly fought against the mighty darkness of the night, accompanied me as I wandered aimlessly through the streets. Meanwhile, my thoughts kept bouncing back and forth between Sehun, who was most likely waiting for me, and Jisoo, who surely found comfort in Junmyeon now. And no matter how hard I tried to reconcile my musings, I just couldn't. Although I didn't regret my decision, my actions and especially my feelings at all, how could I if it was clearly the right thing for me?

But that fact didn't really make me happy either. Every time I remembered that today was my nineteenth birthday, I thought of the gift Jisoo had given me - to let me go while she assured me with a grin on her face that she understood. That she just wanted to make me happy. However, the grin had never reached her eyes and I think I would even have preferred her to have only hate and anger left for me instead of such incredible understanding. 

On the other hand, my birthday also reminded me of something else. Namely, the second chance I had been given, more or less by chance. This second chance, which enabled me to take a completely new direction and to pave the way for a new beginning - and this only because Sehun had suddenly stumbled into my life.

So shouldn't I be happy now? Feel happy instead of mourning the loss? Well, as a matter of fact, I should. However, like so many things in life, this was unfortunately easier said than done, after all, I did not know how I could escape this predicament. How I should behave. I mean, how should things go on now? What did the future hold in store for me and above all what was appropriate? I asked myself and bit my lower lip desperately.

Actually, I wanted to return to Sehun and his giant villa immediately after talking to Jisoo in order to reveal my feelings towards him once and for all. However, suddenly there was the pain that made me realize that I had hurt a loved one terribly, like a huge wall that held me back. And somehow I didn't feel very comfortable with this thought either, because wouldn't I have been just like one of those unscrupulous whore who, after having broken the heart of one, jumped straight to the next best one?

I knew that sooner or later I would meet Sehun, but I had to give myself and my pain a little time before that. That alone demanded decency, for the last thing I wanted to see in myself was the face of such a shameless person. That is why I continued to wander aimlessly through the streets, wallowing in self-doubt, stalling for time until I noticed, as if through a veil, that morning had already arrived. Behind the high facades of the countless skyscrapers I saw the pale blue sky, which together with fine, light pink clouds slowly but steadily chased away the night and welcomed the new day.

And with this awakening, the traffic around me became denser and denser by the minute, the soundscape louder and louder and life in general more hectic. Except for me, I thought sadly, for I for one still did not know where to go.For hours I had been strolling through the streets and yet my thoughts had not advanced a single step. I simply could not prevent myself from feeling torn between the loss of a friend and the beginning of a love affair. _And that was exactly what I really couldn't stand!,_ I suddenly scolded before pinching my cheek almost painfully. I was tired of constantly feeling sorry for any discrepancies, because that didn't help in the long run either, did it?

Exactly, and that's why I took a deep breath and did the only right thing at that moment - namely to enter a small, rustic-looking restaurant, find a free seat in the back niche and order a double espresso first. Because no matter how shitty a day began, with a liter of coffee I would somehow manage - at least I tried to tell myself that. However, it was visibly difficult for me to change my mind, because most of the guests who visited the restaurant at this time of day were couples in love, who fed each other with cake after a seemingly caroused party night.

Somehow I found this circumstance annoying and was very happy when after a short wait the waitress finally put the much longed for broth in front of my nose so that I could finally focus my attention on it. At least that, I thanked the sky, because the bitter smell alone made me calm down a little inside. After I had blown against the steam once or twice, I finally sipped on it carefully, but not a moment later it almost scalded my tongue. Much too quickly I put the cup down again and sucked in the air sharply before coughing and expelling it again.

Damn it, I grumbled to myself and drummed my fingers against the dark brown, wooden tabletop. How long was I supposed to wait until it had cooled down? One minute? Two? And what should I do afterwards? Go to Sehun? Continue to grieve? I sighed. Once again, entangled in completely pointless thoughts, which in the end revolved around Sehun and Jisoo alike anyway, I wanted to rummage around for my cell phone to check the time or at least distract myself a bit until I remembered that I was a fool not to have it with me. _Argh, great, great, great!_ I moaned. I mean, what was it about today that made me so unlucky?

Mentally I took back my statement from before - a shitty morning just remained shit! Or it got even shittier, because just when I thought it couldn't get any worse, a group of young girls followed by a cloud of overly applied perfume floated into the restaurant. But that alone would have been halfway tolerable if they hadn't confiscated the free table just opposite and started giggling and cackling like hell. In a really annoying pitch.

Resignedly, I buried my face in my hands. It was all just not true! I tried to lie to myself, just a dream! Just a dream, and Sehun and Jisoo too. »Hey, have you read the Sunday Morning yet?« I suddenly heard one of the girls say, from her strangely conspiratorial undertone in her voice I looked up. She had a pretty face, I could tell. A bit too much make-up for my taste - especially the clumped eyelashes - but nice to look at, if you were into that type of woman.

»Oh yes!«, cackled her neighbour, who was interrupted by the tallest woman in the group. »Unbelievable what some people have to go through!« she complained. Well, and she was able to say THAT out loud, I agreed for once and saw myself and my whole personal misery before me for the hundredth time this morning. Jisoo and Sehun, my old and my new life and the bad luck that had been haunting me for the whole hours. »That even today men treat their wives like slaves...«, the tallest one continued and shook her head without understanding.

Well, well, well, who would have thought that at this time of day such girls could devote themselves to more serious topics than make-up and hairstyle, for example? Admittedly, I was a little bit impressed and also pleased and therefore pricked up my ears. Who knows, maybe a dramatic tale of woe with a happy ending gave me a little bit of distraction? »Especially when you think how ugly he is and how pretty she is.«, Lump Eyelash Barbie interjected. And there it disappeared, this enthusiasm and instead made way for huge disappointment.

So it would be confirmed again, I thought, shaking my head. In the end, one is reduced again and again only to the outer appearance. Discouraged, I sighed and tried to block out the chatterboxes and instead devote myself to my espresso again, which was still steaming but not too strong. I mean, as it looked, their conversation would be about the banal again in half a minute at the latest anyway, and I wanted to spare myself that at all costs - after all, I somehow had to hammer my absurd thoughts out of my own head first.

However, and my heart almost slipped into my pants, the voice of one of the girls made me sit up and take notice again. »Poor Byun Shi.«, I thought I heard it. But it must have been my imagination, because neither Lump Eyelash Barbie nor the other two girls looked in my direction. I snorted through my nose and raised my eyebrows. As if they, of all people, knew my name, let alone had any idea how desperate I felt! Damn, I was really on the verge of madness already, I feared and reached for my cup to take a strong sip.

However, everything contracted within me when I tasted something like soap-perfume-bitter as well as the bitter taste of coffee. Disgusting! Could odours settle as a taste or did I actually start to turn the wheel completely? »I just wonder how this woman has put up with it all these years. Her husband seems like a real asshole, but this adopted child? And then her career? I admire her, honestly.«, a girl's voice came through to me again. Something was stirring in me, but I could not name it exactly. »I've always been a fan of Byun Shi.« remarked the neighbour of Barbie and my eyes widened when suddenly a bad, really very bad premonition came over me.

Could it be?, I asked myself and noticed how my fingers, with which I was still holding the cup, cramped. Byun shi? Was there really talk about my mom? I mean, the name, the career, the adopted child? Considering how famous my mum was and that yesterday a bunch of sensationalist reporters had flocked around our house because that very celebrity was back and now three girls were talking about a gossip magazine, it all added up, didn't it?

OR?

»Your husband should be hung up on his...«, he cleared his throat briefly. »well, you know!« It was the only thing I could think of spontaneously.

»Over a deep gorge.« someone agreed, causing my mind to take another roller coaster ride.

After a short break, I drew a line under all this news for myself and tried to leave the conversation. Now I had to search for logical arguments! So assuming, I thought, as I scratched my chin. Assuming that these girls were actually talking about my mum as Byun shi, what did that have to do with her husband, my dad? Why did these girls want to hang him by the balls while he was dangling over a deep gorge? And was I meant by the adopted child? Jesus Christ, what the fuck was in that fucking gossip magazine?!

I was suddenly so sure that all this was somehow connected to my parents that I went into a delusion and suddenly became nauseous. All I wanted to do was get out of this place, where the air seemed to be getting thinner and thinner, and get a copy of that damn Sunday Morning as soon as possible. I was able to postpone the subject of Sehun and Jisoo for the time being, so I decided to jump out of my chair hastily after putting some change on the table as payment and stormed out like a madwoman.

My image was reflected in the protruding window front of the shops across the street - so I knew what a strange image I had of myself. Tousled hair, pale, almost translucent skin, dark circles under the eyes and oversized clothes. If this situation had allowed it, I would certainly have collapsed with laughter on the spot. But at that moment I didn't even have a tired grin for it. I was just too excited, too confused and too busy looking for a kiosk.

At the end of the street I finally found a shop and ripped the door open so violently, as if my whole life depended on it. A handful of customers, as well as the saleswoman behind the counter, stared at me in complete astonishment at first, until they finally turned away from me and did not pay any further attention to me. Meanwhile, my eyes flitted across the room and scanned all the rows of shelves until I discovered the one with the magazines. My whole body began to shake instantly like a leaf. _What would be waiting for me?,_ I asked myself as I nervously kneaded my hands.

Would it really be as feared and something was written about my mum, my dad and me? And if so - how much of it would be true? To be honest, I was very, very close to a breakdown at that moment. »Can I help you?«, the salesgirl suddenly spoke to me directly after I had just stood there for a long time. I could hardly explain it to myself, but somehow all kinds of scenarios suddenly came over me. »No..«, I started to answer, but noticed my voice breaking. Damn it. »I mean.« I started again after clearing my throat and running my tongue across my lips. »Do you have a copy of Sunday Morning?«

»Of course, dear.«, the saleswoman smiled warmly at me, revealing delicate wrinkles around her eyes. With a nod she then pointed to the display of current newspapers and magazines right next to the cash register. I didn't know how, but I finally managed - even if with difficulty - to set myself in motion again and head straight for it. With extremely shaky and sweaty hands, I reached for the topmost magazine, which denounced the Sunday Morning to me with gold-framed letters.

The cover also adorned the grinning face of my perfectly staged mother. So there was no point in pretending any longer, I realized at once. No matter what was waiting for me - it definitely had something to do with my family, or whatever you want to call this arbitrary union of people! Oh God... I swallowed hard before I could finally bring myself to look at the whole cover carefully.

**Sunday morning**

**20 tricks for firmer skin!**

**This is how you win HIM back!**

**Do it yourself: Sweet gift ideas.**

**The secret of the celebrity: natural, big eyes!**

**Exclusive interview: Top model Byun Seohyun reveals. Learn all about her addiction problem, her husband's double life and how she managed a world career despite all this!**

I truly swear it is true when I say that I felt like I was being slapped in the face at that moment. That I instantly fell out of the clouds. I mean, addiction problem, double life? I really couldn't find the words. What the fuck was that about?!


	23. Where there's smoke, there's fire..

**Sunday morning**

**"The dark side of the spotlight"**

**"Barely three weeks after the highly acclaimed London Fashion Week, a news story shakes the fashion world. Top model Byun Seohyun (42) and screenwriter and director Byun Baekbeom (44) are getting a divorce!""Three weeks earlier. Nobody would have thought that Byun Seohyun was in a marital crisis when she floated gracefully and beautifully over the catwalks of London Fashion Week. For a long time the two were considered THE dream couple of Korea - but now the dream is over. The couple announced their separation last night."**

When I read the first lines of the article, I was afraid that I would puke right in front of the friendly saleswoman in the kiosk any moment. I felt so incredibly sick because a stale, disgusting taste had settled on my tongue and I simply couldn't understand and didn't want to understand what I had just experienced. On top of that, this information was literally thrown in my face, at least that's how it felt to me. Because this gossip article was nothing else than an unemotional chattering away of seemingly trivial things, which were only meant to serve as a short term entertainment.

And a small, naive part of me clung doggedly to the hopeless straw of hope and wished that there was talk of strangers with purely coincidentally the same name. After all, these things usually only happen to other people, right? But - who was I trying to fool? Byun Seohyun and Baekbeom. The model and the filmmaker. The chance that this was not the one I knew was probably less than that of being struck by lightning while making a lottery ticket - zero. Unbelievable. Incredulous and completely stunned I shook my head.

I mean mom and dad actually... got divorced?! And on top of that, they dared to come out in public? What the...? The very word divorce echoed in my head. Okay, on the one hand it was bound to happen sooner or later. At least when I first heard Dad talk about divorce in Los Angeles, I should have known. But somehow I had never considered this possibility. I had been absolutely convinced that Mum would lull my father as usual and show him the ropes, just to make sure he didn't cause a scandal.

But now it was here in black and white, in this gossip magazine that I held between my trembling hands, and I simply did not know what to make of it. It couldn't possibly be true, could it? But if it was, why now? Why not even then? What had happened? I blinked several times in a row to dispel my dizziness, which had gone along with the nausea. But I did not succeed. No matter how hard I tried - the individual words and letters danced around like wildly before my eyes, played a nasty trick on me and seemed to downright mock me. The only thing I could see clearly was a photo printed at the top right of the double page.

In addition to my dizziness and nausea, there was now also dazedness. As if someone had hit me on the head with a glass bottle, it suddenly pounded so hard in my head. Because in the photo you could see me. And Sehun, who had taken me by the hand. We both ran, the sunglasses were not yet in place and Sehun gave me an amused side glance. I recognized immediately when this snapshot was taken. Namely from yesterday, when Sehun and I had rushed past the reporter horde.

Damn it, without a doubt this moment had been the first spark to ignite the rumour mill. And most likely my mother had got wind of it and thus found a good opportunity to distract from herself and to pass the buck to someone else - in this case Sehun and me. Or even my father, if you could trust the gossip of the girls in the café. No way: _The wicked, wicked adopted daughter smashes up half the apartment, then runs off with the wicked, wicked boy and leaves the poor, poor woman alone and frightened. And the wicked, wicked husband has nothing better to do than divorce the poor, poor woman. Sob, sob, everybody's sooo mean but her._

Yes, even if it sounded a bit exaggerated - but when I thought about it, it all made sense. Why else would such a photo of us be published? And why else would a smiling Mebuki adorn the cover of the magazine? Certainly not because there was anything bad about her in it, right? I was suddenly so caught up in my conspiracy theories that for a brief moment I even forgot my dizziness and light-headedness and was able to filter out fragments of words like "the husband's adopted child" and "fisticuffs" from the written word. And even if it was still only conjecture, those very words confirmed my faith immensely. I was right, my intuition told me so.

But the most shocking thing about this whole thing was that I did not know what the worst thing was. Was it that I was dragged in the mud - more or less - by my own mother? Or was it that I thought my mother was so malevolent in advance? Whichever way you look at it, this newspaper article was a disgrace to Sehun, Dad and me. And somehow I was glad that I had not (yet) read it. On the other hand, I suddenly felt such anger towards this woman whom I had called "mother" all my life, that I could feel a fiery mixture of anger, contempt and disappointment building up inside me.

Under my skin my blood was flowing like boiling hot lava, heated me up to the tips of my toes and made me think without thinking about it that I peppered this stupid gossip booklet back into the holder and thundered out of the shop with massive steps. And then I started walking. Determinedly in one direction.

Although I would never have described myself as 'athletic', the rage and adrenaline in my body drove me to absolute top performance. With every step I took, I could hear the soles of my shoes bouncing against the asphalt, and also my jerk-white breaths that made my lungs burn.

Side stings and leaden limbs demanded a break, but I was not allowed to think about that at all now. No, I admonished myself, after all I had to get home as soon as possible. And if I was lucky, Mum was still there. I didn't know what I would do if that should be the case, but one thing was clear: For fear of the truth I wouldn't keep my mouth shut any longer, I wouldn't hide any more and hope that everything would work out again. Because this time was now finally over.

I needed clarity about who I was. Or where I came from. And why I was still here and not somewhere else. Even after the case that this knowledge demanded everything from me, possibly destroyed me - there was no way around it. Mum finally had to put the facts on the table. That's why I kept on running, racing like a madwoman through the city and let my hateful, insecure feelings spur me on again and again. Of course, I could have taken the train and would have arrived home several minutes earlier and less out of breath.

But then I would have had to squeeze myself into a compartment with complete strangers and most probably also have been pawed, and on top of that I would not have been able to give my rage any room to vent it.

After what felt like half an eternity I reached the crossroads in front of my residential area, no less angry but all the more prepared for what was to come. Totally out of breath, sweating through and with a pounding heart, I tried to internalize the few arguments I had come up with while running and forced myself to reduce my anger a little bit.

But - dear God - if I only thought of meeting this calculating, false face of my mother, I would have loved to smash everything to bits and leave a trail of destruction behind. Especially her face. But well, I wasn't particularly keen on ending up in prison for attempted murder or at least grievous bodily harm either. That's why I forced myself to swallow a thick ball of anger and then turned into my residential area.

The first thing that caught my eye in the long driveway leading up to my house was this almost columnar accumulation of parked cars at the roadsides. Normally you would find two, at most three cars at the same time. When I took a closer look, I mean, what was going on there? I had a terrible premonition, because most of them were vans with huge satellite dishes on the roofs and logos glued on the fairings. _Oh god_ , I thought. Please don't let it be what it looks like!

As I slowed my pace and turned my attention further forward, my stomach finally convulsively contracted when I saw my premonition confirmed. Instinctively I jumped to the side and sought shelter from glances behind one of the vans. Yes, it was what it had looked like - fucking hell! Literally chaos was raging in front of our house - in the form of microphone vibrating reporters, onlookers and annoyed neighbours, all waiting for a sign of life from inside. _Fuck!_ , I cursed silently and pressed my back against the back of the car while trying to remember.

I should not attract attention under any circumstances, I advised myself and out of panic I even held my breath for a short time to remain as quiet as possible, although this was of course completely unnecessary. Because if you considered how excited, hectic and above all loud this mass of people was not fifty meters in front of me, no anxious gasping for air would have exposed me.

But well, it took a moment before I became aware of that. After I had wiped my hair, sweaty from running, from my forehead and also swallowed most of my initial panic, I finally dared to peer forward very carefully.

At first I didn't recognize anything, as the sun was reflected in the car's side mirrors and dazzled me, but little by little I saw the crowd again, which seemed to have suddenly increased. Damn it, the panic threatened to overwhelm me again. This could not be true anymore! How the hell could I sneak into the house unnoticed? I turned away from the chaos and looked around to get a better view. A plan was needed! However, I knew that I would never have a chance in the conventional way - in other words, to use the door like any normal person. While I was feverishly searching for an answer, I suddenly felt reminded of last night, when I had escaped hand in hand with Sehun and fled from the reporters.

When we were in a similar situation and had decided on the easiest way. It was hilarious when I thought about what a mistake it had been in hindsight. And most importantly, how many stones had been rolled since then. But how do you say it? You've got to face the consequences of your own actions, don't you? Too bad I was a coward as far as the press was concerned. So the option of "doing a damage control interview and then having a serious word with Mum" was ruled out. But what other options did I have? As soon as I dared to take even one more step towards the house and made myself known, this pack would be called out and would pounce on me like hungry wolves.

But there was one thing I wanted to do: to get out of this thing as unscathed as possible and get into the house unnoticed. A plan B was already on the tip of my tongue, but of course I could not say it. And just before I was about to do so, the sun suddenly blinded me again, although this time I hadn't looked into the van's exterior mirrors - which made this saving idea slip through my fingers like sand. Fu...! Before I could finish swearing, it blinded me again. Suspiciously, I slit my eyes and looked in the direction the supposed sunrays were coming from.

Shit, there! Behind the protection of a house wall I thought I could make out the shadows of several figures. Please don't!, I moaned in horror and saw myself interviewed by dozens of reporters already in front of the running cameras. If I was discovered, It would only make things worse! Because to run away a second time - no, I really couldn't afford that anymore. But, why didn't these figures come any closer then, but just waved like startled, crazed chickens, if I recognized that correctly? I remained undecided, tried to press myself closer to the rear of the van. Maybe those guys didn't mean me at all? In panic, I forced myself to break this in.

However, when I was again blinded and I realized that one of these figures was carrying something with him and was doing it on purpose, I realized that I was actually meant. That there was no possibility of error. So I bent forward slightly and focused my gaze even more intensely. And strangely enough I imagined to recognize this unmistakable, night-black hair of Sehun. _Oh my God!_ , I thought and an emerging wave of relief flowed through me, making me forget my panic and anger for a moment. Good heavens, how much had I missed that idiot in the past hours? Why had I been an idiot not returned to him immediately?

Because then I could have wrapped myself in this cuddly soft, unicorn-scented blanket of love and forgotten my worries. If only for a few moments. But no - instead I had to listen to my guilty conscience and go to that damn café, only to find out from a couple of girls plus a magazine that my mother had publicly humiliated me. And that was right after I lost my best friend. Not to mention my birthday! Could you even believe that?! Ugh. No, no, no. I took a deep breath. I couldn't let that anger happen again, I told myself. Because it was more important that Sehun was waiting for me behind the wall. And I could still be angry later on - as soon as I faced mum, couldn't I?

I nodded to myself with determination. With quick but deliberate steps I finally wound my way between the vans and hurried towards Sehun to make up for what I had been longing for hours. The first tears of relief gathered in my eyes, ready at all times to stream across my face. When I reached the wall of the house, I hesitated for a few seconds while I looked closely at the man striking face. My man, it came to my mind, which brought a fine smile to my lips. I just couldn't get enough of looking at him and soaked up every detail like a sponge. His tousled hair. His jaw muscles pressing through his skin.

And His eyes that caressed me like hands and sent a shiver down my spine. We were facing each other and suddenly there was just him and that look. »Sehun!«, I sniffed and finally let myself fall into his arms. At the same time, I could no longer hold back my tears and cried unrestrainedly. I let all the pent-up frustration, all the anger and disappointment, but also all my relief and joy out of me and what can I say? I never felt better than in Sehun's embrace. »Ssshht.«, he whispered into my ear and pressed me tighter against his chest. We stood so close together that no more leaf would have fit between us.

I buried my face in the bend of his neck, tasted his refreshingly tart scent and enjoyed the touch of his warm lips touching my hair. Oh yes, I thought this was where I belonged. This was the place I never wanted to leave again. And I think this was also one of the moments to tell him once and for all what he meant to me. What I felt for him and how grateful I was that he had found me. One last time I soaked up his scent, tried to memorize it exactly before I finally lifted my face to look at him. »Sehun, I...«, I began, but was interrupted by a shrill female voice.

»Byun Baekhyun!«, abruptly I squeezed a piece of Sehun's chest, and discovered two eyes looking at me with a mixture of reproach and concern. At the sight of them, something contracted within me. »Sooyoung?« »Do you have any idea how worried I was about you?«, she frivolously avoided my amazement. »I mean, I knew something was wrong ever since you came to L.A. And I, the village idiot, thought it was me!« »What? No!«

»And then this morning I get a text message from Jennie who received a text message from a shocked Junmyeon. Did you really break up with Jisoo without telling me? And why is your phone off again? What do you have one for anyway? By the way, since I couldn't get in touch with you because of that and got some information from the Sunday Morning, I thought I'd bring your man along - I hope you don't mind? We were looking for you, you know? Oh, no, you couldn't know, because your phone is off.« I can't believe how that woman could talk her head off. And she couldn't even breathe, let alone talk.

It took me a few seconds to process her accusations. Secretly, I was glad that Sooyoung obviously got wind of the whole thing with my mother. And also that she was here just like Sehun. But... »What do you mean 'your man‘?« I poisoned back, even if not seriously meant. »And yes, I also know that my cell phone is off. It's been lying around in my room since yesterday without any juice.«, I didn't even want to know where she had picked up Sehun - I could already imagine that she must have pulled out several stops to get his exact address. What an ingenious beast. She amazed me every time!

I was reluctant to admit it, but I think that at that moment I was for the first time since I knew her - truly! - I'm glad to say that Sooyoung was a master in the field of information retrieval. And with this thought I fell from the bottom of my heart grateful and relieved around her neck. »Thank you! Thank you, thank you, thank you!« »Never. Do. That. Again!« she admonished me before hesitantly returning the hug. I nodded. »And promise you'll tell me everything.« »Promise.«, I assured her, and I knew that this time I would certainly not break my promise with any cheap excuses.

All this hiding and hiding was finally over. I had left my old self, the frightened one, somewhere between Sehun's swimming pool and Jisoo's home. For that reason alone, Sooyoung deserved the truth. »I love you, Soo.« »I love you too, Baek.« Before I knew it, tears were streaming down my face again. So I broke away from my best friend and hurriedly wiped my face. »By the way, he's your man, isn't he?« she whispered to me with a conspiratorial undertone, and to emphasize her words, she glanced at Sehun from the side. I, on the other hand, turned bright red, or at least I felt the heat suddenly go to my head and make my cheeks and ears glow.

I couldn't give her any answers, though. I mean, was that him - my "man"? »Hey, Oh!« Sooyoung suddenly growled at it. »Are you his man?« With wagging eyebrows, she pointed at me. Fuck! »Soo, I said. But she just innocently shrugged and winked. The mischief was in her eyes. As if she said: Yes, your presence is always an inner flower picking for me - so what should I do about it? I can't help but give your love life a boost! Bitch! »Uhm…«, I heard Sehun's surprised cough. »Sehun? You don’t need to answer her!« I stepped in nervously because I was uncomfortable with the subject.

Not least because I suddenly remembered the incident with my mother. And in view of the situation, that was in any case the first priority. »I have to talk to Mum first.«, I tried to change the subject, »And I need your help for that.«


	24. ..and the fire fuels the hatred

With the help of the two of them I had actually made it into the house unharmed. Sooyoung had offered to act as a decoy to distract the reporters and everyone else until Sehun and I had climbed over the fence unnoticed. I knew that in retrospect - as soon as this nightmare was finally, finally over - I would have to work hard to pay back for all this. But I still had a long, rocky road ahead of me until that time. Because although the first hurdle was now overcome, the next one was already waiting for me - the conversation with Mum.

No matter how hard I tried to prepare myself, to prepare myself for what was to come, I knew that this last step, the truth I had been searching for all my life, would turn everything upside down. However, I didn't have the slightest idea whether I would be able to deal with it later. What if this hard, cold, naked truth threw me into a deep and dark hole? What if I couldn't recover from it for the rest of my life? Yes, I was terribly afraid of it when I took the first step into this hell that was calling my home home.

I almost felt as if I was running straight into my doom. And the strength in my legs almost left me, too, to keep going, if Sehun had not been by my side the whole time. His closeness gave me the incredible courage and security and strength I so desperately needed to walk through the entrance hall of my home, where there was nothing to suggest that my mum had left a trail of destruction on Friday night. The phone was neatly back in its rightful place on the wall, the drawers of the dresser were back where they belonged. And even the coat rack stood upright.

The only witnesses to the incident were us, Sehun and I, and also the bare space on the wall where the mirror once hung, before it had scattered into thousands of splinters on the floor. Apart from that it was as usual - quiet and peaceful. And quiet. As if nothing and nobody was in any of the rooms. As if nothing had ever happened. »M-m-mum?«, I croaked anxiously and although my voice was hardly louder than a whisper, it cut through this unbearable silence like a jackhammer. »Mum, where are you?«, I cried again, this time louder and looked around.

But nobody answered me. On shaky legs I finally went into the kitchen on my right, but found it empty. Next I searched the two guest rooms at the end of the corridor, but they too seemed deserted. There was no trace of Mum anywhere. After the search in her bedroom, the bathroom and even in the toilets was equally unsuccessful and sobering, there was only one room in the house where she could stay. Provided she had not left the country early. »I think she's upstairs«, I immediately said my suspicion out loud and received a questioning look from Sehun. »in the torture chamber.«, I continued.

»Torture chamber?«, he repeated without understanding. And even though I felt anything but like it at that moment, a weak smile crept up on my lips. After all, his reaction to that word, his shock and at the same time the curiosity in his voice, was the same as mine once was, when I had wondered for years what was hidden from me in this room. Back then, when I could not even imagine in my wildest dreams that the truth was quite different. »Yes.«, I answered him curtly, because I simply couldn't find the right words for an explanation, and meant for him to follow me to the upper floor.

With every step I took, however, I felt increasingly worse, simply more excited and queasy. Every creak reminded me of what it was like for me when Mum came upstairs to disappear into the torture chamber. And also of the fact that I was now on the direct way there, to finally and without backing down, learn the whole truth about it. But - what exactly was there to found out? »What does that mean, she is in the torture chamber.« Sehun resumed the thread of the conversation as we climbed the last step. »Over there.«, I explained and pointed to the locked door at the end of the corridor.

She seemed to me like a monster, ominous and terribly intimidating as ever. As if behind it was an omnivorous black hole that tore me into a vortex of despair and hate as soon as I dared to come within an inch of it. And who knows - maybe it did. But there was no way around it. I now had to open this door. I had to face the truth once and for all. No matter how painful it was. With sweaty, trembling hands I finally pushed the handle down. The creaking and howling of the old hinges gave me icy cold goose bumps that wandered all over my body.

The darkness that welcomed me and the stuffy air inside almost took my breath away. At first I saw nothing, because the blinds of the windows were completely closed. But I heard the soft, crackling hum of a music box dancing through the room. »Mum?«, I asked cautiously into the darkness and imagined hearing a barely audible sobbing in response. Through a sudden surge of courage and determination I finally stepped further into the room. »Mum.«, I repeated, blinking a few times against the darkness and thought I recognized a dark shadow.

I approached her with a pounding heart until I stood directly in front of her and looked down on the kneeling, huddled figure of my mother. I had never seen her so helpless and desperate before. And admittedly, I was too shocked at first to think of anything else but that I wanted to hold her in my arms. Because in that tiny second between shock and fear, this woman, who sat before me like a pile of misery, sobbing heartbreakingly, was suddenly just my mother. Or at least someone I had thought all my life.

Even if it sounds crazy - no matter how often and how hard her dislike had hit me in the past years, at that moment I actually felt pity. Honestly and truly. I was even about to put a hand on her shoulder to comfort her, but at the very last moment I couldn't do it. It was as if there was an insurmountable wall that had separated her and me for ages and kept me from doing it. And at the same time I remembered what I was here for. How much she had done to me, how much she had done to Dad. And also how much she owed me - the whole truth. No lies, no excuses.

For this reason I could not manage to show her even a little bit of my pity, my affection. She didn't deserve that. Then why do I feel like this? What the hell was wrong with me? »Why are you here?«, her tearful voice took me out of my thoughts. It was so unusual to hear her like that, without any sharpness, without hate. »You know why.«, I replied, wondering myself about the bitterness that spoke out of me. Again she sobbed, »Tell me.«, I demanded with all the hardness I could muster.

Because this one time I didn't want to be the weak boy who didn't know how to help himself against this woman. This time I had to stand firm, not allow this ridiculous feeling of pity to breed. The most important thing was that this one time I got what I wanted - answers. »You read it, the newspaper article.«, she said, not a bit surprised, but not a bit remorseful either, which gave me an inner sting that brought me back down to earth mercilessly. My Mum was crying, or rather she was crying, but not because she was sorry. And also not because she felt sorry for me. No, she just cried for her own sake.

This realization was hard to digest. I had to swallow hard, but basically it was to be expected, wasn't it? »Not everything, but it doesn't matter. I want to hear it from you. Everything.«, I countered full of hatred for her and also for me, because I had been so foolish to have felt something like pity in the first place. Tze, how stupid was I to believe that she had perhaps felt the same way? That deep inside she was sorry for me?

»What? What do you want to know?«, she spoke now more angrily, like the woman I know. »That it was you who took my child from me? That it was you who wanted to take his place? Ask your... your father, go on, ask him! He's as much to blame as you are!«, I swallowed again. »Look at yourself.«, she continued to provoke, slowly rising from her stare like a wild animal on the prowl. »How naive you are. Do you think I didn't know? Because of you I have lost not only my child, but now my husband as well. My whole life.« »Shut up.«, I said.

Disbelief, bewilderment but also anger spoke through me. What did this woman say? I - guilt? No, that was simply not true. After all, I had done nothing, nothing at all. »But congratulations - your plan worked out perfectly.«, she frivolously bypassed my objection. »Baekbeom has taken your side. Against me.« »Stop. Shut up!«, I growled more threateningly, emphasizing each word one by one. »Are you satisfied now?«, she grew louder, still ignoring me. »Be quiet!« »It's your fault.« she whimpered again. »You and your-«

»I said shut the fuck up!«, I yelled in between. I just couldn't bear to hear any more. Not these lies that could never, ever be true. Not these accusations for which I could do absolutely nothing. The next moment my palm landed on her cheek with a deafening clap. But I only noticed it when it had already happened and my hand suddenly felt red-hot. Only when a pulling pain spread, did I know what I had done. I had slapped my mother. Startled, we both gasped for breath. Even Sehun made a sound before he stepped out one step behind me and stood protectively between us.

I began to tremble uncontrollably, all over my body and could not prevent tears from gathering in my eyes. Whether it was out of anger or shame, I did not know. »Do you even know what you are saying?«, I heard Sehun say to my mother as calmly as possible. »Kid, it's none of your business. This is between me and my... Baekhyun.«, she improved at the last moment. My composure finally collapsed. I mean, now it had reached the point where even this simple word - son - was impossible for her to pronounce. Simply because she could never accept me and probably never wanted to. So I guess that meant that I didn't mean anything to her, absolutely nothing.

Damn, that was just too much. Too heavy. I just couldn't take it anymore. »Oh yeah?«, I sniffled and wiped my eyes in a nervous manner. Then I stood next to Sehun, put my hand in his and tightened my shoulders as best I could. »Shall I tell you something?«, it started gushing out of me afterwards. »Do you know why Dad took my side, like you said? Because you're unbearable. I don't know what trip you're on or whatever, but what you're saying is bullshit. You can't deal with your life and you always want to blame other people. But it's not working anymore.« »Who do you think you are?«, cried Mum angrily, and I saw her take a swing.

Instinctively I ducked down and put my arm over my head to protect myself, but when I could hear the blow but not feel it, I slowly opened my eyes again and saw that Sehun had come between us again and had taken the blow instead of me. I opened my mouth in horror to say something. But nothing, not a word in the world could describe how upset I was. My Mum had slapped Sehun, just like I had slapped her before. And he had protected me without hesitation. Again tears of despair shot into my eyes, running down my face like torrents, while my lips began to tremble.

Although my vision gradually faded, I suddenly and clearly saw one thing before me: my life in the form of a rock that detached itself from the mountain and plunged into the depths. And when the rock hit the hard ground, it shattered into hundreds of small stones until only a pile of rubble remained. What a disturbing thought. »Should I call the police?«, Sehun suddenly growled threateningly as he drove over his cheek where Mum had met him. »or would you rather do it yourself?« At his words I released myself from my stare in a flash, blinked away the remaining tears and inhaled much too violently. »What? No, no police.«, I pant.

My first thought was: Shit, if any of this gets out - I couldn't let that happen. »Baekhyun, that woman was about to slap you.« Sehun insisted. And although part of me knew he was right, I couldn't help shaking my head again and again. »Sehun, please.«, I begged. »I just want to know what is going on. After that I never want to see her again. Please.« I felt Sehun tense up, his muscles tightened and his jaw began to grind. He found this whole situation visibly difficult. For an unbelievably long second he just looked at me, pleading with me as much as I pleaded with him, but then he finally caved in and turned to mum again.

»You go get your things.«, he ordered me, while he never let my mother out of his sight for a second. »Take everything you need - clothes, mobile phone, everything. You're coming to my place.«, Mum snorted contemptuously. »Did you hear?« »Y-yes.«, I said sheepishly. »Okay. In one thing your... _Mother_.«, he spat the word right back at Mum. »…right. We really need to talk to your father. We're definitely done here.«

In silence I watched my hands, which I repeatedly clenched, loosened, clenched to fists and then loosened again. An indescribable restlessness had taken hold of me while I sat on Sehun's sofa and kept reviewing this scene at my... Seohyun. I could not and did not want to understand what had happened there.Why did she accuse me of such things? Did I really killed her child? A tortured sigh escaped me as I jumped up and started to run up and down aimlessly. Nonsense, I tried to calm myself down, the conversation had suddenly just escalated, nothing more.

However - why? All I could do was shake my head at this question. The only thing I could actually do was wait. And wait. And wait. Until my father's plane finally arrived at the airport. Because when I tried to reach him earlier to at least get answers to all my questions from him, all I got was his assistant on the phone, but he assured me with an English accent that Mr. Byun would arrive in Seoul at any moment. And of course Mr. Byun would contact me immediately afterwards.

That was now two hours ago. Three hours ago Sehun and I had left home with a little luggage in tow. The reporters in front of our house were frightened at the sight of us like startled chickens, but I hadn't had more than my middle finger for them. It was ridiculous when I thought about how easy it was in principle when you just didn't give a damn. If only I had realised this earlier, I would certainly have saved myself a lot of stress and grief in my life. Wouldn't it? Once again I sighed and let myself fall into the sofa again, powerless. Behind my temples it gradually began to throb violently.

»Here.«, I heard Sehun, who handed me a cup of tea. Nodding I accepted it and for a while I watched the steam rising in little clouds. »You know...«, Sehun finally said again. »What happened is not your fault.« »How do you know?«, I replied brusquely, but couldn't take my eyes off the cup and the steam. »What if it's true?« »You mustn't think of that!« He placed his cup on the table with full force, so that a little liquid spilled over. »This woman... she just wants to hurt you.« »What if it's true?«, I repeated myself and looked at him. »What if it's really true?«

»Stop beating yourself up.«, he relented more gently and sat down next to me. »Wait till your father calls, then you'll know. When does his plane land again?« »Dad...« I snorted. »What's he gonna tell me that I don't already know?« _If he ever calls me_ , I added in my mind. Because gradually doubts began to spread within me. Eye-twisting, I turned away again. »Baekhyun...«, Sehun sighed before he put his hands on my cheeks and forced me to look at him again, »Please.« I sobbed. »I don't want this anymore.« I confessed to him in a shaky voice. »I know.«, he whispers and moved even closer to me. »I can't handle all this.«

»Yes, you can.«, he tried to encourage me and touched mine with his forehead. »I’m here for you, we can do this together.«, If only it were that simple, I thought. »You are so kind to me...«, I said. »Well, I love you.«, he winked mischievously, which even brought a tiny smile to my face. »I... I love you too.« I admitted. »very much.« For a brief moment he froze. His eyes widened as he realised my words, but immediately afterwards he had already put his soft lips on mine. Like scorching lava they hit me, touching something deep inside me and telling me more than all the words of this world combined.

Yes, if he had not been with me earlier - I didn't know where I would be now. Would I have run away from home? Or would I have barricaded myself in my room. Closing my eyes and ears to reality and trying to convince me that all this was really a huge misunderstanding? That I was only dreaming and the next day the world would be safe again? It is quite possible that I would have done that if I had been honest with myself. But fortunately he was there - unconditionally. Even now, after seeing so much hatred. Even though he deserved better than me and this messed up life.

Sehun was just there and now he was kissing me, so that my worries and these shitty, self-doubting thoughts had a break from broadcasting. So that all that crap with Seohyun was no longer relevant, because suddenly the only thing that mattered was him. Him and his lips that were sweeter than fruit, hotter than fire. Gently and unbelievably tenderly, his hands moved across my neck and shoulders. His fingertips touched me so gently, leaving a mixture of tickling and tingling on my skin that I could do nothing but moan against his lips and bury my hands in his soft hair.

He grabbed me by the waist, pulled me closer and intensified our kiss, bit my lower lip, only to relieve the sweet pain not a moment later with his tongue. Great God, I needed him so much, wanted him so much. But suddenly the shrill ringing of my mobile phone tore our togetherness apart. Without looking at the display, I knew who it was that disturbed us. And Sehun's look he gave me showed me that he had the same thought. My Dad finally called to tell me the truth. He hadn't forgotten me after all.


	25. what was and what is

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: mention of a stillborn child

My mobile phone was constantly humming the title song of the enchanting Jeannie as the vibrations moved from one side of the table to the other. At the first moment I cursed Sooyoung a teeny bit for it, because it was she who had persuaded me to make that far too cheerful and totally inappropriate ringtone months ago, when my world was still half right. But given the situation I found myself in now, that fact was the least of my problems.

When the initial moment of surprise was over, my mood and my entire emotional world changed from a spring-like breeze to a thunderous summer storm.All my fears and worries came back to me as soon as I had peeled myself out of Sehun's wonderful embrace to reach for my smartphone.Justified as I thought, because I was right - it was Dad who called me.And in that tiny moment, while I was reading my dad's name on the display, but that far too cheerful ringtone was still breaking the silence, I was suddenly numb, torn between relief and fear.

I wondered what would happen if in the end I could not deal with the truth at all. If Mum's assertions were indeed true. Wouldn't it be better to remain ignorant? On the other hand, this very special feeling came back to me, which had crept up on me again and again in the last few days or rather in the last few weeks. This curiosity that wanted to have clarity about everything. Because although the truth could be more painful than a lie, it was always this uncertainty. And yet I was so terribly afraid of the truth that I just couldn't bring myself to take my dad's call.

Sehun, who became more and more restless and jolted me from second to second in which I hesitated and was frozen, at some point even took away my mobile phone to do it in my place. »Hello?«, he almost growled into the phone, while I gasped for breath in shock. »Yes, he's here with me.« he then said more gently, without letting me out of his sight. But his face was so tense that I couldn't even guess what my father was saying to him at the other end. »Don't worry, he's doing as well as can be expected... Yes, my address is... Okay. Yeah, all right. Thank you very much.«

After he hung up, he put my mobile back on the table and sighed. Only now did I dare to expel my pent-up breath. With a heartbeat delayed, I finally asked in a husky voice: »What did he say?«, and cleared my throat. Sehun put one hand on my cheek and gently stroked a strand from my face. »He'll be here in about two minutes.«, he tried to teach me as calming as possible. But I felt as if my heart slipped right into my knees when I heard those words. »Excuse me?«, It came out of me in surprise and partly in horror.

I mean, so quickly? Good God, how could I possibly prepare myself for that? I would have preferred to flee at once. But Sehun's nodding and his insistent look kept me from doing so. »Yes, your friend has left him some very worried messages.«, he continued. »That's how he knows my address. Pretty stubborn, that one.« »Yes.« I smiled faintly at the thought of Soo - who else could it have been? »She really is.« »But...«, he suddenly changed the subject. »Please remember - no matter what happens, you are no longer alone.« »Thank you.«, I said sincerely and leaned my head into his touch.

But if I was honest, I would have loved to cower anxiously under the sofa and hide from everything and everyone in this world. Especially from what was coming towards me now. Because my fear still seemed to gnaw at me, threatening to swallow me up and my heart suddenly pounded so hard against my chest that even the blows thundered into my ears. But there was something else roaring too, as I noticed after a while. When I listened more closely, I knew what it was - or rather, who it was.

Because someone was hammering loudly against the door from outside, and before Sehun, let alone I could even react to it, it was opened so quickly and so forcefully that the door handle made a notch in the nearby wall. »Baekhyun!«, the intruder immediately shouted in panic in his voice. »Where are you? Baekhyun?!« It was Dad who yelled. My dad, who swept through the door like a tornado and looked around stressed until he spotted our shadows and came towards us with a few quick steps. »Oh God.«, he muttered, visibly relieved, and the next moment he had pulled me to him and pressed me to himself.

It all happened so quickly that I didn't even realise what was happening to me at first. Only after a while did I realise that my father was finally here. That without hesitation he had taken the next plane to be with me and to take me in his arms. How could I have been so foolish as to think he had forgotten me? I trembled like a leaf when I finally buried my face in his chest. As I inhaled his unique scent, which rose to my nose like a mixture of cigars and aftershave. The smell of security that only my dad could give me. He was so different from my mum's - soothing, protective, just fatherly, so that I felt a sharp sting inside, which brought the first tears to my eyes.

»Dad.«, I sobbed with relief because he was here. Relieved because he had not forgotten me. And yet full of fear of what he had to tell me. So I squeezed my eyes shut tightly, trying to delay this moment, trying to stall for as long as possible, because one thing became really clear to me at that moment. A piece of the truth that I had experienced since our holiday. But once he said that bit and said it to my face - that he wasn't really my dad and I wasn't his son - it would have been something final, something irrevocable. Once said, it could not be taken back.

But everything inside me cried out for it and just wouldn't accept that my dad wasn't my dad. And that this person, who had this very special father scent and who held me so lovingly in his arms, would never be my dad either. This knowledge broke my heart for weeks. But even worse was the idea of being told face to face. Right here, right now, after everything that happened. »Dad...«, I sobbed again, because he hadn't said it yet. Nor was I allowed to give in to the illusion that he was my father. Although I actually knew better.

»Ssshh.«, he tried to calm me down while patting my back and hair again and again as I was shaken by more and more sobs.

I just couldn't stop it, could no longer hide the pain that I had thought was a weakness all my life. My tears flowed unrestrained, my body trembled mercilessly and I truly swear I have never cried so much in my life as I did at that moment. »Did she do something to you?«, he finally asked me after what seemed like an eternity. Even though he had not told me her name, I knew instantly who he was talking about. So I shook my head as if automatically. 

»Not her.«, I brought out in tears. »I… I slapped her.« »What?!«, In horror, he gasped and shoved me an arm's length away to face me. »And then... then she hit Sehun.«, I continued unhindered as I ran my hand frantically over my eyes.

When I looked at him again afterwards, I noticed how his mouth remained open in astonishment and how his gaze flitted briefly to Sehun, who remained in the background. »Dad I... please, you have to tell me if...«, I finally pressed out with all my remaining courage. »Am I to blame? Am I to blame for your son's death?« »Excuse me?!« the surprise cried out at him. »How can you think that?« I sobbed again, but this time with liberation. It was like a stone weighing tons that fell from my heart. Because his reaction and the stunned look in his eyes suddenly showed me that he had certainly never reproached me for anything like that.

That even in his dreams he never thought about it, although Mum did. And maybe he didn't even know that. I shook my head once before I could continue. »Mum, she said it.«, I explained to him, whereupon Dad ran his hair through his head with a dismayed expression. »I can't believe it.«, he murmured. »Baekhyun, don't believe a single word that woman said!« »But what else should I believe?« After all, all these insinuations, all the accusations from my mum already made me doubt myself. »One thing I do know...«, I breathed after several breaths, in which memories kept haunting me over and over again.

»Since L.A. I know that I'm not...« But it was impossible for me to finish this sentence. Dad's eyes widened in disbelief, but I immediately realised that he knew exactly what I was getting at. »Oh God.«, he lamented after a short silence. »I am so sorry. Baekhyun, please believe me. I didn't mean for you to find out this way.« And even though this apology sounded sincere and honest, it came much too late. »Please.«, I begged emphatically, trying to repress the memories of L.A. and stay strong. »Explain it to me. Tell me the truth. Tell me who I am.« Dad sighed in agony and for a moment gave Sehun a silent look, which also asked him to apologise.

After all, he had simply invaded his house like a criminal. But at the same time this look was like a silent question between men, which Sehun answered nodding. Only then did Dad gently put one arm over my shoulder and lead me to the sofa, which was not two metres away from us. »I think we'd better sit down...«, he finally began to speak again and explained everything about the past to me.

18 years before

_»I'll probably burst in a minute._ «, _his wife moaned as she clung to the banister, gasping for breath. It took her a lot of effort to climb one step at a time - he could clearly see that. But Seohyun had insisted on walking up and down at least three floors every day for over a week. Why she did this? Baekbeom had not the slightest idea. But if his wife, who was nine months pregnant, said she had to do it, then she did. Full stop. He didn't even dare to question that fact, no matter how ridiculous it seemed to him._

_Because if he was honest with himself, he was simply too scared that even the slightest remark on his part would set off the ticking time bomb that his wife had been since she was pregnant. After all, he had had to witness it a few times before. Just one false blink was enough and the moaning and ranting began all over again. »I can't believe he's not due until next week. I'd love to have him now._ «, _she gasped after reaching the top. »I feel the same way," confirmed Baekbeom._ « _On the one hand, he could hardly wait to hear his little boy scream for the very first time and hold him in his arms._

_On the other hand, he was delighted if his wife's moods finally returned to normal. »I think I'll take a nice, hot bath right away._ «, _she said as Baekbeom unlocked the door to her third floor flat. It was quite a modest home they had. Two rooms, a kitchen and a bathroom. They didn't need more than that either, if he had his way. Seohyun had at one time or another almost conspicuously inconspicuously lost a remark about the fact that at some point she wished for her own house with a garden and a swing, but for the time being these wishes remained unfulfilled. Because their financial situation was... let's say tight._

_Due to Seohyun's pregnancy, the offers for photo shoots, which she usually got from various fashion catalogues or smaller cosmetics companies, were almost completely absent. Here and there she had been photographed for maternity fashion, but in the end it wasn't the big hit. That's why she was more or less unemployed and without income. Baekbeom, on the other hand, had a job, but unfortunately not a very successful one. He was working in the film business. However, the few short films he was able to shoot here and there hardly brought any money into his own pocket._

_Mainly because his films remained unseen. And, well, sometimes it was so bad that he got real nightmares and delusions about when the date for the next rent payment was getting closer and closer and now that the two of them soon had to provide for another family member, it was high time to think of a solution. But first he had to give his wife a bath._ » _Ahhh._ « _, Seohyun sighed comfortably when her husband finally helped her to get into the tub, where the warm water immediately welcomed her._

» _Thank you, my darling._ «, _she continued, breathing an airy kiss to him, which he caught playfully with his hand before pressing it to his own lips and leaving the bathroom and his wife with a wink. He was pleased to find out that she had a good day for once today and he didn't want to spoil this fact. So while his wife took a relaxing bath, Baekbeom used this unusual, peaceful silence to have a beer and think about the future. But all he really did was ask himself the same questions over and over again: what would his little boy look like? And what would it be like to hold him and hear his laughter? Could there be any greater happiness at all?_

_In any case, he could not imagine anything comparable and therefore smiled inside himself like an idiot on drugs, while he leaned back relaxed and closed his eyes. It felt so good to be able to stop worrying for a change and give in to his dreams. Only when Seohyun came to his room with rumbling footsteps did he open his eyes again and realise that he was fallen asleep. Yawning, he drove over his eyes._ » _How was your bath?_ «, _he asked casually. Seohyun moaned._ » _I don't know..._ « _, she then stammered, which was very unusual for her._

_Suddenly wide awake he looked at his wife. She was still standing in the door frame, just wrapped in a bathrobe and trembling all over. Her face had lost all colour._ » _Oh, God, what happened?_ « _Alarmed, he stood up. His voice rolled over with worry._ » _I... I don't know._ « _, she repeated and it was as if she was looking right through him. As if she was not even present and as if in a trance she put her hand on her round belly. Baekbeom's eyes followed the movement that heightened his worries to almost nothing._

» _Is something wrong with the baby?_ «, _he asked fearfully as his thoughts went on a rollercoaster. All kinds of scenarios came to his mind, but they all came out the same._ » _Honey? Please say something. Is something wrong with the baby?_ « _Seohyun shook his head._ » _Are you in pain?_ «, _he kept on drilling. Again she denied, but faltered and turned her gaze to her belly._ » _I don't know._ «, _she said again. Nervous and upset, he stroked his hair and tried to breathe in and out calmly a few times. He just couldn't lose his nerve now, he told himself over and over again. But somehow it seemed to make everything worse._

_»I'll drive you to the hospital.«, was the only viable idea he was capable of. Seohyun wanted to contradict him, but the next moment he had already put an arm around his wife's shoulders, thus nipping any protest in the bud. Carefully and cautiously he finally led her outside. Every minute that passed and in which he didn't know what was going on, seemed to last endlessly. The first thing he did was to descend the stairs from the third floor. Again and again he cursed the fact that there was no lift in her house. That's why they made only slow progress - especially because Seohyun was obviously struggling to take one step at a time._

_Second, his rickety VW refused to start. Not only once did he hit the steering wheel in frustration and curse, while his wife remained quietly and apathetically in the passenger seat. After it had felt a thousand times, the engine finally roared and without further ado he pressed the accelerator and snaked into the traffic. But as it is in a big city, the traffic lights were red almost all the time. No sooner had they passed one than they had to stop again at the next one. At the fourth junction it was even worse. For no less than ten minutes, nothing had happened at all, except at the turning lane, where things went on fast._

» _I don't believe it! Switch to green, asshole! I'm in a hurry._ «, _he grumbled as he watched the cars turning to the right in complete disbelief. Behind them the first ones were already honking. Seohyun suddenly writhed in pain and moaned._ » _What's going on up there?!_ « _, he continued to get upset while drumming restlessly on the steering wheel, and_ » _Baekbeom._ « _drew attention to his wife, who has since become even paler. She pressed herself backwards with her back, clinging her hands so tightly to the seat that her ankles came out white._

» _Baekbeom._ «, _she repeated in panic, panting like a dog in summer._ » _Oh, God, are you in labor?_ «, _She nodded frantically. »I think so._ « » _Damn it._ «, _he cursed, suddenly turning the wheel, putting it in gear and pressing the accelerator. Without hesitation or flashing, he finally got into the side lane and turned right, because the traffic light was still or already again green. They would have to make a diversion, but at least it was better than standing in a traffic jam even longer, he said to himself._ » _An accident._ « _, his wife noticed faintly and pointed forward with a nod._

_He followed her gaze and spotted three demolished cars at the next junction. He could not make out any police or rescue, but he could make out countless onlookers, who blatantly stared at this accident. »Looks really bad._ «, _he murmured before they left the crossroads. That at least explained why that damn traffic light had been on red all the time. Once again Seohyun groaned in pain, which suddenly reminded him that he had to hurry. »We'll be there soon._ «, _he tried to reassure her while he took a step back, hoping the police wouldn't catch him - which luckily didn't happen._

_However, his nerves had become so strained by this whole odyssey that they were in danger of being torn apart at any moment when they finally came to a halt at their destination with screeching tyres. With one swing he opened the door, got out and stormed to the other side to help his wife out of the car. »Come, darling._ « _, he whispered to her._

_Two hours later Baekbeom was sitting with his head hanging on one of the uncomfortable plastic chairs in the waiting area of the hospital. After registering there sporadically, his wife was already being taken to one of the treatment rooms by a stressed nurse. However, he himself was not allowed to be there and was therefore rather rudely excluded. And this waiting was anything but pleasant! It was maddening. With every additional minute of uncertainty, his fear, anxiety and trembling and hoping became greater and greater. And every time one of the doctors rushed past him, he feared the worst._

_It almost drove him crazy, the whole thing. Why did it take so long anyway? Why wasn't he allowed to see her? Damn it, something was wrong! Full of desperation he buried his face in his hands. »Byun Baekbeom?_ « _, he heard his name calling out after a while, during which he had remained motionless. He stood up as quick as lightning. »Yes?_ « _, he asked and looked straight into the eyes of his counterpart. It was his wife's doctor who came towards him with a poker face, which only made him more nervous. »How is my wife? What happened?_ « _, it gushed out of him immediately._

_»She's sleeping._ «, _she answered him calmly after she had arrived at his place. »But she will recover._ « _Thank God!, it flashed through his mind at first. Like a heavy chunk that suddenly detached itself from his heart. »But there were complications._ «, _the doctor continued, and Baekbeom could swear that for a split second he saw something like consternation flaring up in her eyes. »Please sit down..._ «

»Complications?«, I asked into the silence that had hung between us for what felt like an eternity like a thundercloud, after Dad had suddenly paused in his stories. Sehun, who was now sitting next to me on the sofa, grabbed my hand, which was freezing cold and still trembling slightly. But I only noticed this gesture in passing. Much too much I tried to concentrate on the facial expressions of my dad, tried to understand what he had just told me. On closer inspection, however, I noticed that his face had taken on an almost frightening paleness, while fine beads of sweat crept out of his pores.

The agony that lay in his eyes spoke volumes. »Dad?«, I followed up, because I didn't know what to do to break that crushing silence. Never before had I seen such a look on him. Never before had he looked so distraught. What were those memories that tormented him so much? »The doctor told me that Seohyun had a stillborn.«, he suddenly went on, fixing a point in front of him, somewhere far away. »She said that climbing the stairs had probably caused the contractions and that... the amniotic sac in the tub had ruptured... Seohyun... just didn't... noticed it.« A tremor seized his body, sobs came out of his throat.

»I did everything wrong. She shouldn’t have got up. Why did I let her get up?« Holy shit! »If she hadn't moved... If I had taken better care of her... He turned, our little one turned after Seohyun got up. But the umbilical cord too... She was still so small. So small.«, he whimpered. Over and over again as he shook his head. Sheer horror gripped me like ice water, making me forget to breathe for a moment. Did that mean your son was already born dead? Countless thoughts came over me as my father's words went further and further into my mind, but in the end I could think of nothing at all. 

There was simply nothing I could do to relieve the excessive pain that was written all over my father's face. There was nothing I could do to prevent him from suddenly looking like a lost, unspeakably sad boy. The worst thing that could happen to a parent had happened to him. How terrible must it have been for him to lose his own child? Damn it! »Dad, I...«, I stammered awkwardly while chewing my lip in a completely overwhelming way. »But that was a long time ago.«, he suddenly interrupted me and wiped his glassy eyes before turning to me.

»You were always my sunshine, always will be. You helped me to live with the pain.«, he continued, while he put his hands on my shoulders. »Even though I never showed it to you the last years.« »Why?«, I heard myself ask. How could he say such a thing? Was I not rather a proof that this unspeakable pain really existed? Day after day? Was my presence not proof that his son was no longer alive? How difficult it must have been to look me, a strange child, in the eyes every day? How unbearable?

»The accident at the crossroads.« my father continued. This time his voice sounded firmer, more composed. »You were less than two weeks old when it happened.«, I frowned without understanding while my brain was running at full speed. But I could understand nothing. »At the red traffic light.«, he helped me up and instantly it clicked in my head. »You mean...?« »Yes.«, he nodded. »You had that accident. With your... parents.«, I involuntarily flinched. So there it was, this truth I had longed for so much. Even though I was so terribly afraid of it.

Now it was out, just like that. But the worst thing was that I didn't know what to think of it now. How I had to feel. Relieved? Horrified? Somehow I was both equally. But there was too much going on in my head at that moment to think about it any further, so I immediately asked the next question. »Are they dead?«, I wanted to know and held my breath. It may sound crazy, but there was a spark of hope in me, but it was extinguished when my dad nodded when I entered. »Oh...« Was I disappointed to hear something like that? Sad? On one side I was indeed.

Yet I did not feel as if the world was about to collapse beneath me at any moment. Rather, I was still mourning with my dad at that moment. Because of his child, whom he was never allowed to meet. The idea of what he had been through just wouldn't let go of me. Besides, sudden doubts gnawed deep inside me. I wondered what would have happened if my parents - my own - and I had never had this accident. If the traffic light had never been on red for so long. Would Mum and Dad have got to the hospital in time? Would their son still be alive?

I opened my eyes in horror. Yes, I thought, completely convinced of this thought, while a bilious taste settled on my tongue. Probably none of this would have happened if this damned accident had never happened. So maybe Mum wasn't so wrong after all when she said I was to blame for all this. Blame for the death of so many people. Innocent people. »Stop thinking about such things.« Sehun suddenly hissed next to me while he shook me as if the devil himself had entered me. As if through cotton wool I perceived everything, every sound, every touch.

And like in slow motion I turned my head in his direction. Suddenly I felt so unspeakably sick. »You are not to blame.«, he kept telling me, but of course I did not believe him. My conviction held me captive. »He's right.« Dad interfered. »But... « I croaked. But before I could speak any further, my Dad cut me off with a sharp gesture. »Otherwise we would not have adopted you right?« Sure, I'm sure that was true. And yet I couldn't shake my thoughts from myself. Like pure poison they shot through my body, paralysed me and corroded my heart like sulphuric acid.

»Baekhyun, please.« Dad begged as he gently took me in his arms and stroked my back, as he had done earlier. Only with the difference that this time I didn't burst into tears when I felt his warmth and absorbed his smell. Probably because I just didn't have any left. »You are my sunshine, my little miracle.«, he whispered close to my ear. »And nothing will ever change that.«


	26. At his side

»-hyunie? Hello, Baekhyun? Are you dreaming again.«, I heard my favorite voice ask, which made me blink and shake my head several times in a row. A pair of dark eyes looked at me.

The thing with the newspaper article and with my mother was a month ago now. Meanwhile it had become a bit quieter around my family and me, although there were still people talking about it. Especially at school. Mainly because the divorce of my parents was discussed and disseminated in public. To say that it was a War of the Roses in a class of its own would have been an understatement.

But at least I had people at my side who stood by me in this difficult time. My father, for example, who had moved with me into a small rented flat just outside the district. For nights on end we talked, more openly than ever before. He talked a lot about Yujin and what she was like then, before fate had changed her life forever.

And I discovered completely new sides to her, so different and unknown that sometimes I could not even believe that this loving, fun-loving and warm-hearted woman from his stories was actually once my mother. I regretted very much that I never got to know these sides of her, because secretly I had always wished for someone like that. A mother who loved me unconditionally. A mother who cared about me.

Just someone I could feel safe with. Even though I had my dad, who never saw in me anyone but his son. For whom I had always been a part of the family and although this fact made me happy, really so incredibly happy, the knowledge that I was just a stranger's child for my mother was still unbearable. Especially when I thought about it in weak, lonely moments.

However, that was something I had no influence on anyway and will never have one. After all, I could not force her to love me, nor did I want any feigned love from her, just as she had once led the world to believe. A true mother would probably be denied to me forever and no matter how long it took, one day I would accept this fact - I was sure of that. The hope that Yujin would one day change had long been lost.

As for my biological parents - well, I was not quite sure what to think of all this. My dad had told me their names and the place where they were buried. He told me what happened that day eighteen years ago, how the accident happened and also how the adoption took place. But nothing more. I didn't know what kind of people they were, what they looked like and had no idea if I would have grown up with them in a happy family or not - but in principle it didn't matter.

Because this 'what-if' had never given me answers. That doesn't mean I never gave it any thought. Quite the opposite. Of course, I imagined my biological parents. Here and there I even longed for them, because after all I would have liked to get to know them if I had had the chance. But it was not now that their death plunged me into a deep hole of sadness. Does it make me a bad person?

»Sometimes I'd love to know what nonsense you're thinking about.«, my favourite voice continued, so that I raised my gaze and inevitably had to smile when I caught the questioning gaze of a certain jerk. »Bullshit? Again?«, I wanted to know and raised my eyebrows. »Or who?«

»Not me for sure.«, he kept teasing me. His smile gave him away, though. »Yes, it's you.«, I insisted, but I had to try very hard not to burst out on the spot into resounding laughter.

It was late afternoon and the sun was already so low that only weak light found its way through the leafy canopy of the trees. Cuddled together, Sehun and I sat on a striped blanket in the middle of a clearing that had once been my very special place of loneliness and dreams. In the meantime it had become our special place.

A little bit of melancholy caught me by the thought of how bitterly I had chased after the shooting stars at that time. How big was the disappointment when I realized that my wishes never came true. But all of a sudden this wonderful idiot had burst into my life and turned everything upside down. Through him I had begun to question everything that I am and everything that I was. And in the end I had received answers.

»Can you still remember?«, I asked, my back nestled even closer to his chest. Immediately he strengthened his embrace while he slowly and incredibly gentle stroked up and down my side with his fingers. »You mean the first time we got stoned?«, he laughed softly while I nodded. »I didn't like you at all.«, I confessed to him. »Which fortunately has changed. I think that joint has worked wonders.« Again I heard his quiet laughter.

He seemed to me so incredibly light-hearted that I could not help but do the same. I felt safer than ever before and could literally feel happiness rushing through my veins. »Yes fortunately.«, I agreed, but secretly vowing never to go near a joint again in my life. »Otherwise, today I would miss the most important person in my life.«

»Soso.« he whispered. His voice suddenly sounded darker and rougher, almost scratchy. Kind of... sexy. »And who's this person?« I pretended to think about it. »I'd say: A jerk without end.«, a humming sound came out of his throat, making me grin even wider.

»But my favourite jerk.«, I improved laughingly, but stopped not a moment later when, without warning, he turned my face towards him and put his lips gently but demandingly on mine. Sighing, I returned his kiss and gave myself completely to his taste.

Nothing was important anymore, neither the stars nor the wishes, nor the past nor the future. No matter how hard we had it so far, no matter how stony the road might be - what counted was he. Because only at his side do I live. Only by his side do I love.

Wishless happy.

_And who knows - maybe it's true what they say:_

_They say that when you see a shooting star, you have a wish._ _And they say if you put this wish into words three times in your mind while the shooting star is burning up in the sky, it will come true._

What is your wish?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Finished!
> 
> I really hope you enjoyed it and thank you for every single person who read this story. 
> 
> I will take a little break from writing and come back with a new story: Baekhyun will be blind.

**Author's Note:**

> I hope you'll learn to love this story as much as I already do.


End file.
